Saturday I could not go to the game. This is because I had to buy suits for a very important wedding coming up and I needed a suit that was a little bit shiny, and also equally comfortable when dressed with a tie or a bowtie. Super important, especially for my Pac 12 South victory party where I plan to wear both and arrive in a chariot pulled by dolphins. Don’t worry, I figured it all out. You know, the whole water on land thing. Chariot. Dolphins. Believe it.
So, amidst being handed goblets of champagne and Hibiki (look it up, get on it), I realized we were playing a team from the Tetris state. We set our DVR remotely and kept drinking until we returned to Benedict Canyon to eat charcuterie and watch some awkward beating of a Mountain West team.
I thought someone had given me an Altoid dipped in acid when I saw Kiffin come out onto the field wearing NO VISOR. No visor? That was beyond arrogant because the visor is his source of power and intrigue. I will say the first thing I noticed was that his hair looked shinier than it ever has. I believe that the visor has made his hair some time of solar receptor. I hope our enemies don’t realize this is where is power comes from.
Another interesting wardrobe choice was Kiffin’s new Nike shirt that had a cardinal bar across his chest. I figured out why he chose this. Revealing his face without the Visor was so exciting he needed a shirt to cover up his nipples. I’m serious. That’s what was going on. White shirts are revealing and that’s Layla territory folks.
So we go through a first half where we have the lead and despite in not being a blowout, I am feeling confident Utah is outgunned. So naturally, the LAST thing I expect is for Kiff to come out of the tunnel in the second half WEARING THE VISOR!!! EXPLOSIONS! LAZERS! I got so pumped up I grabbed my friend’s neighbor and dangled him over a balcony until he promised me he’d buy a visor and wear it to work for a month without showering. Then we brought him in to drink the rest of the Hibiki. His adrenaline was so high he almost seemed like a Trojan at that point.
So this fact alone meant the arrogant battle had been won. So I was already feeling 2-0, 15 in a row before the second half kicked off. That’s why I watched the second half in an inflatable pool filled with Petrus, Dom Reinart 1992 Rose and live, trained manatees. Exhilarating and also I gotta tell you, the ocean mammal community is not stoked about the release of Dolphin Tale.
USC turned the ball over too much in this game, including an interception meaning I could shave, but I still haven’t. I may have chosen to ignore 2011 Heisman Trophy Winner Matt Barkley’s lone pick of the season. What I really took from this is that if we held onto the ball, we’d have blown this game wide open. Our defense looked great, fuck the naysayers. We let them get theatrically close, but I don’t remember ever being as unconcerned with a potential game-tying field goal. USC had kicked a field goal in the game already, so I knew the quotient of field goals in the Coliseum in the presence of the Visor had been reached for the day. It wasn’t going in.
So Matt Kalil, who had an amazing arrogant quote after the game, blocked this field goal we all knew wasn’t going in anyway and it gets run back in for a touchdown which is counted, then discounted, then recounted. First off, Kalil’s quote was something about how he blocked it with his forearm which is an arrogant way of saying Utah’s kicker sucks, which was obvious from watching the kick itself.
Now there was some bogus excessive celebration penalty called that initially ruled the touchdown not a touchdown (the Pac 12, NCAA and so forth really football less a sport every day). I mean look. If you score a touchdown, it’s a touchdown. It’s like when you have wins vacated. Vacated from what NCAA? Our minds? Is this the matrix? Fuck, even records books just put at asterix up and say “win vacated”. IT STILL SHOWS THE WIN. Stop trying to have a fake tea party. Serve me real tea or do this with your 6 year old daughter, NCAA. I don’t play make believe. If you were at the game, you would have seen that someone ran into the endzone. It was a touchdown. You are an asshole, powers that be.
Get used to it Who-Tah. That’s what life in the Pac 12 South is going to be like, even with your coach from Avatar.
Here’s a picture of what you need to get used to. I’m surprised Larry Scott didn’t send it with your welcome to adult football info packet.
Song Girls looking hot. The Visor glowing in the stadium lights. Dudes celebrating. An army of khaki pants that work equally well on the field as they do on cocktail cruises on yachts in Newport. Look, that’s what you are up against. Also, Larry didn’t give you the memo that we already have a team called Oregon who has the honor of looking like a child whose mother let them dress themselves for school. Being that you already knew that, please explain to me your under armor sleeves…
What is that? It looks like a scarf my buddy’s grandma wore one night when she picked us up from the drunk tank in Pacific Beach. The rest of your jersey looked good, and that is a sincere compliment. You looked like the East Dillon Lions out there. I dug it. Until I noticed the grandma scarves you all were smuggling under your jerseys.
It’s the details that win a football game. Last year, if we kicked a few field goals, we’re probably 11-2. But we had to live with 8-5 (and 13-0 in arrogance) and we are proud to do so because Arrogant Nation was born. You guys maybe win that game if our defense wasn’t constantly feeling tough because you were wearing grandma scarves under your pads. A little friendly advice from the bearfighter. This time it’s gratis.
Next week, Syracuse. We are working our asses off to get the first shipment of gear off. Our vendor is being ridiculous, so if you get it a little late, please arrogantly accept my offer of “tough shit I was eating caviar”. That said, LA locals, we’re hoping you get them friday or saturday assuming our shipper handles it.
See you Thursday for Arrogant Game Preview time, but I got some more juice cooked for you this week. 2-0 and 2-0. FTFO.