I apologize this post is a little later in the day than I am used to. There’s a good reason. The first was I had to celebrate winning CBS Los Angeles’ 2011 Most Valuable Blogger in the Sports category. I won the People’s Choice Award, which means two things: the first is that I am very handsome and hell with a pen. the second is that Arrogant Nation plays for keeps. I proudly continue to serve your arrogant needs, abusing my keyboard and my liver for you ultimate benefit. Like DJ Khaled’s crew said as performed by our arrogant marching band, “all I do is win”.
The other thing that delayed this post was my octopus. Yes, I own an octopus. It’s a long story involved a poker game in Monaco over pink slips, but this one guy who owed me a lot of money convinced me (aided by a cocktail with absinthe, veuve and hawk blood) to let him bet with his octopus and its tank. It’s been a tenuous relationship because I relentlessly continue to train it as a bartender. I bought it a cool octopus tuxedo made out of wet suit material, it’s dope. He’s got a whole bartender set and his tank has the wholes in it with gloves attached like people use to touch nuclear material so he can mix the drinks outside the tank. The theory is that he can make eight drinks simultaneously and this will make my house parties even better (if that’s possible). He can do six right now and I had to give him a pep talk this morning. Octopi take shit really seriously. It’s incredible. Don’t worry. I took him to the backyard where the bear skeletons are kept and he got the point. Pep talk.
This week we play a very random opponent, the Syracuse Orange. They are from some part of New York I’d never go unless I was hiding from the law. This is such an easy target, I almost feel ashamed. Thank Kiffin they are 2-0 or I might even feel bad about what I am about to say. Let’s be honest about ‘Cuse from the beginning. Carmelo Anthony stuck it out in fucking Denver for over half a decade. Melo had to get out of Syracuse in less than a calendar year. And Denver sucks. They serve bull nuts at restaurants and call them Rocky Mountain Oysters. So, that puts Syracuse in perspective.
In 2004, the school changed their name from the Orangemen to the Orange, presumably having a lot to do with needing a vague color as a team name to justify Otto the Orange, their mascot who’s primary asset is a costume so bulky he can defecate in it without anyone knowing. If this scenario sounds familiar, it’s like Stanford who dropped the insensitive, but awesome name “Indians” (not that the Braves, Redskins or Cleveland Indians bitched out) and went with “Cardinal” and made us look at their half lobotomized pedophile tree running around. That’s kind of what happened at Syracuse. They are like “we already got the weird pedophile mascot, let’s just go with a color for our team name to throw the authorities off the scent”.
Like let’s take a closer look at Otto. Here’s his police rendering from that time he sexually accosted two bananas in the produce section of a local Syracuse marketplace:
Here he is attacking some possibly Big East mascot I can’t identify because I fully admit to avoiding watching Big East football. I just go to high school talent shows if I want to see something unintentionally hilarious.
What’s worse is the university openly allows Otto to speak to children, creating a wild society in Syracuse of children of poor morale fiber. It’s dangerous. I’d take the issue on, but it’s not my problem. Not while bear attacks are at an all time high (they know we’re close to total victory).
Think I am making the Stanford thing up? Check this out…
I mean, case closed guys. Case fucking closed.
Syracuse is totally stoked to be out west for this game, as they play in the Carrier Dome, which is the worst place in the world outside of Westwood. It’s a dome that doesn’t have air conditioning. People say that when the games are at capacity, it gets unbearably hot. That said, usually Syracuse sucks and this is not a problem. Dude, Melo left after a year and he didn’t even have to play in the Carrier Dome. Rocky Mountain Oysters guys. Damn, Syracuse.
It gets worse. Doug Marrone, their world-beating head coach needs some arrogance lessons. Look at his website. For real:
First of all, when you show up it plays “Empire State of Mind” which is hilarious because nothing screams “bright lights, big city” more than a 250 mile drive through upstate New York. Hell, Rutgers is closer by 230 miles and it isn’t even in the same state. Combine that with his douchey pictures wearing Saints and Jets gear (it just means you got fired a lot) and you have got an amazing website. Even the Carrier Dome got a cameo. You’re a five star recruit and you come here. You’re immediately sold right? Here’s our pitch:
Boom. That and here’s the 10 mile drive you’ll make when it’s time to go to the NFL as you head to Century City and let CAA write you a fat check for being famous. Still waiting on that call, CAA. I hate agents, but I love their arrogance.
You know you could drive from USC to CAA and back over 12 times and you still wouldn’t be in NYC if you were coming from Syracuse. Cue the Jay-Z, Coach M! Toolbox.
I’m not even looking at their team or their two and oh record. All I know is we’re going to kill this team in arrogance and probably in football too. My main word of caution is to carry a juicer at all time because if you run into Otto the Orange, he’s not going for your wallet. He’s going for your dignity.
Syracuse 16.5 (NCAA later takes half a point away from a late Orange field goal when Otto tries to sexually assault Traveller, but is beaten to death by the brass section of the marching band)
TWO PT CONVERSIONS
1 for 1 (we didn’t try one last week and Kiffin’s visor has been talking shit to him all week)