We had mimosas. We had duck l’orange. We made smoothies. We drank screwdrivers and every incantation of Planter’s Punch we could come up with. I had a house full of supermodels, diplomats, cultural attaches and rugby players and I simply needed to get rid of the gallons upon gallons of orange juice that was taking up half my house. Where did I get that juice? The Syracuse Orange brought their JV tennis team out to play USC in football last weekend and by the time it was over, there was so much orange juice all over the stadium, we could have saved ten frigates of pirates from scurvy. Otto the Orange looked anorexic by the end of this.
USC won 38-17. First, recall my sage-like prediction:
Even using the score to tell a joke kept me within 1.5 points of the outcome. Don’t fault me, I had a point to make with the NCAA about our touchdown the week before and I picked 37 because I sort of thought we’d try a two point conversion and fail it on purpose by recreating the scene from Varsity Blues where Dawson throws the ball at the mascot. I feel like if Barkley hit Otto in the navel with a bullet, he’d explode like a Gatorade bath.
Syracuse, who must have been so excited someone was talking about them in football, came on the blog en masse to try to punk the bearfighter, but apparently they aren’t used to what I do here. So let’s just recap some of my feelings on your team and your comments now that you know exactly how accurate I was about exactly how much juice we were going to squeeze out of you just to get our attractive lady friends something to mix their Veuve Cliquot with.
Some of you tried to talk about Jim Brown and how he was the best, as if any of this mattered to us. I respect Jim Brown’s legacy, just not his Hollywood agent:
I mean, John Wayne played at USC and he looked cool all the time. Another fun thing Syracuse brought up a lot was OJ Simpson. Ok? We didn’t invent having alumni that killed people. I am sure plenty of your alumni killed people too, but in fairness, I don’t expect a Syracuse graduate to understand that, which brings me to my next point.
What’s with all this Syracuse is a better school than USC talk? First there is the fact you are in upstate New York and it is cold and it sucks and we are where you go on vacation. In fact. If I drive my car in any direction I end up somewhere you’d like to vacation before I end up somewhere that sucks as much as Syracuse, NY. But let’s assume location were equal. Schools aren’t. Check out US News and World Report’s rankings:
That’s where you’re at. Here’s us.
I guess you get what you pay for. And. Before you go into a diatribe about how the US News and World Report rankings don’t mean anything (which is like saying a girl who rejects you “wasn’t that hot anyway”), let’s not focus on the rankings, but on the amount of school separating us. There were about 7 schools in between us that I have never even heard of. Of course, I didn’t remember Cuse BBall played in the Carrier Dome either, so maybe that’s not fair (although college basketball is for me, as awful to watch as college baseball. Best players are in the pros almost from the get go).
OK, I’m bored talking about Syracuse. I’ll remember they exist sometime next summer when I realize we are going to the Carrier Dome to beat them again. Normally I encourage our fans to travel to games, but I would recommend you don’t for that game. It’s still in early September, it’s going to be gross as hell out there and despite being named for an air conditioning company, there is no air conditioning there. As many Syracuse fans pointed out, it’s cool they don’t need AC! I would point out you are a far worse school than USC and probably do not know what you want as you CHOOSE to go to Syracuse. No offense intended. By all means come out west that weekend and watch it from my pool on the cabana television.
So, Barkley went off for 5 touchdowns and I didn’t get to shave this week. Kiffin brought back the majestic white windbreaker that had stripes that changed color on each side of his chest. He looked like the white knight of Camelot out there. Feeling regal, he even attempted a couple field goals. I’ll be honest though, I watched some of the second half on television because I left early to see Mayweather get headbutted and then just know Ortiz’s head off in a controversial fight. I mean, even Ortiz standing there NOT punching was more of a fight than Syracuse USC.
Had fun yesterday speaking to all the incoming Greeks at Bovard. Welcome to the blog new Trojans, pull up a seat by the campfire and let the bearfighter show you the way. First, buy some of these…
See you for ASU on Thursday, the first one of these I’ll need to take seriously. Kind of.