Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about this game. My response was to drink a bottle of bourbon and mow a miniature version of Augusta National into my neighbors lawn. It’s crazy. If you stand over it, you feel like you are the Goodyear blimp (which is how most of Minnesota’s fans feel anyway).
I couldn’t stop thinking about this game because it is vital to Arrogant Nation’s plan of taking a dump on Larry Scott’s prime rib dinner. USC needs to win the Pac 11 South so we may “decline” playing in the first ever Pac 12 Championship so that Oregon knows it’s playing the second best team in the South. We want to arrogantly let the 2nd place team take our sloppy seconds. We’ll be in Hawaii by then finding new ways to combine coconuts and booze and wrestling sharks and taking their fins to sell on the black market (shark fin soup is a big deal in Asia, bro).
Arizona State is the last hurdle USC will have in this race. A win in this game puts USC solely in the driver’s seat en route to crashing our car into Larry Scott’s dinner party (Texas and OU are there and he’s giving them lap dances).
So let’s understand what stands in our way: a dirty defense, a pedophile logo and a ridiculously attractive student body with low GPAs. And cacti. Now, 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley told reporters this week he loves away games because the animosity the opposing student body throws at him gives him a bear-killing adrenaline rush. Believe me, I get it. Once, the Bear King made me fight my way out of a room of 100 baby black bears and all their bear parents cheering from the mezzanine totally pumped me up. I felt like Van Damme in Bloodsport or Danny LaRussa in Karate Kid II when they were using those fucking noisemakers to get him jacked up to do the crane kick. Shit was awesome.
But I need to caution Matt that it isn’t the hostility of the ASU crowd he needs to worry about. Hell, their student body is hilarious. They aren’t hostile. They just want to party and god knows they are used to losing to USC (haven’t beaten USC in the desert since 1997, when I was in 8th grade and only worth 3 million dollars). Hell, ASU fans won’t hate on you any more than we hate on them. They know we’ll hire them one day and frankly, they will be awesome to get after work drinks with. If anything distracts USC’s football team this week, it’s going to be this:
And probably this:
This is what goes on in Tempe, who invented wearing no clothes and blacking out at football games. Hell, I have tremendous respect for ASU’s entire game plan (minus their admission requirements). They are going to surround the hotel, the parking lot, the stadium and the sidelines with tan blonde girls wearing nothing and still shampoo effect drunk from last night’s 12 hour rage at a club with a one word name (a trend Scottsdale and surrounding desert cities have really adopted from LA of five years ago and Vegas of, well, they still do it).
Matt, you are going to need to do something I would never ever instruct you to do otherwise. Ignore the hot, drunk blonde girls. Look what Tempe did to Matt Leinart. It’s like the Sirens. This is your odyssey, buddy. This isn’t where Heisman’s go to die. This is where Heisman’s go to do drugs with attractive people in a city so hot that clothing makes no sense.
And if you aren’t paying attention, then they toss the dirtiest player in the NCAA at you and he is legit.
Vontaze Burfict is a maniac and he doesn’t care about the ASU girls unless they want to fight him. While I appreciate him getting pissed off, committing a late penalty and gift-wrapping our win last year, we can’t guarantee that will happen again.
Kiffin has arrogantly allowed our scout team to throw late hits in practice all week to deal with the dirty style of play ASU likes to get down with, but what would you expect from a team coached by the Emperor of the Sith from Star Wars:
I just hope he doesn’t do the thing where he shoots lighting from his fingers at Heisman Woods, because pretty much that’s the only thing (besides making out with a Tempe12 girl, that is going to stop him from building condos in the endzone). Speaking of playing dirty, check out this hand signal the Emperor is flashing:
You have to understand that when your school’s equivalent of the “victory V” is the shocker that you are dealing with a dirty place. Dirty on defense. Dirty in the bars. Dirty with the hand signals. Hell, need I remind you their logo was created by Walt Disney and clearly abandoned for children’s films because he is literally the person you teach your children not to take candy from:
Ew, you’re gross Sparky. I know you and Otto the Orange have been stockpiling rufies and are stoked to hit some bar called “Reign” or something in Scottsdale later, but maybe try not to be so obvious. I’m just worried that when our Trojan stabs the fifty yard line on Saturday that his sword might get an STD. Of course, we are the Trojans so we should probably know how to avoid that. Safety first. Especially in the desert.
Even with the significant injuries to ASU’s very good defense, we are a young ass team and we’ll have to see how our O-Line can handle the dirty onslaught that is coming. After losing to Illinois (I know, who loses to Big Ten teams?), ASU will probably pull that Pac 12 magic out and bring some serious A Game to us. So, basically, our guys better be up for it. This is a game we want to win on the field and in arrogance. It’s going to be tough on both accounts. Like I mentioned last year, ASU is working hard to be Arrogant State University and we need to impede their progress.
That said, this is our Pac 12 South Championship game and I’m ready for predictions.
This one is close because we’re on the road and that road is filled with half naked drunk girls and Saguaros. And the new disgusting uniforms ASU found in the dumpster behind Autzen Stadium are a distraction too. I am guessing it will take our team a few drives to figure out why Oregon’s uniforms are uglier than usual and they are scoring less. So there’s that.
2 Pt Conversions
NONE. This one’s for keeps.
NEW FEATURE – KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION
First Half: Visor, white polo.
Second Half: Visor, white windbreaker
(khakis are a given, Layla must love them)
See you in the desert.