After living in a cave of shame for a week, I emerge ready for Saturday. I wasn’t living in the cave of shame because of our four-turnover loss to ASU. After all, we won the arrogant victory to run our total to 17 in a row due to the Gatorade bath they gave Erickson for finally winning one against us, the fact MB7 got in trouble for comments to the media and the fact even four turnovers on the road didn’t have us out of the game until the 4th quarter. I mean, essentially we might have been fine after 2 or 3, but we were the guy at the bar who didn’t know when to close his tab. His turnover tab.
No, friends. The Cave of Shame is actually Silverlake’s hottest new night spot featuring an in-house butcher and meat curer who specializes in Spanish style charcuterie offerings, a sommelier kidnapped from Provence and a lazer light show stolen from a planetarium in Ohio during a Pink Floyd show. You should really check it out. There’s no address listed as it moves weekly so just look for a man in a red beret ironically reading the Wall Street journal and holding a sign asking for money. He will tell you, but only if you bring him a record on vinyl. Believe me. It’s worth it.
So, this Arizona Wildcat team we are facing is lead by a meatsicle who is related to that guy whose team we stomped in a BCS title game that apparently never happened. Regardless, this guy makes amazing faces during the game and is my second favorite visor-wearing coach in the Pac-12 (the ASU Sith Emperor who tries it from time to time is honestly just creepy).
The Wildcats are a disappointing 1-3 to start the year and many attribute this to a freakish amount of injuries devastating both sides of the ball, particularly the D-line and the playmakers on O. Now, these injuries are normal sounding. But that’s just PR. The bearhunter has the real scoop on why so many Wildcats are on the sidelines.
It’s a new, underground sport that has Tucson authorities scrambling to regain control. I want to tell you about the hottest illegal competition ever to hit the Sonoran desert.
I’m talking about Saguaro tipping.
Look, these things can live to be 150, they can be like 75 feet tall, they weigh a ton and they are everywhere in Tucson. Because my wife is from the Old Pueblo (that’s what the locals call it), I have had incredible access to saguaros and the people that love to bet huge sums of money on tipping them. Look, I was married on a fancy croquet lawn in the shadows of the Catalina Foothills which are SWARMING with these things. It was at this country club where I learned of the scandal.
Naturally, D-1 athletes are fast and powerful, making them ideal candidates for saguaro tipping fame. Now, there are two bets that get placed. The first is can the cactus be tipped, the second is can the tipper survive.
Every injured Wildcat was involved in the Grand Prix of Saguaro Tipping (or tippin’ as the locals call it). It’s no excuse, but perhaps we can blame the NCAA if this is the way players are trying to make a living.
That said, if you are ever in the desert, I recommend checking one of these events out. Tucson is dark, you will see the circle of headlights. Just make sure they know you aren’t a cop. Naturally, it’s frowned upon.
But look, we need to take Arizona seriously here. Not in the arrogance battle, we’re going to beat them there (even though their student body is top 3 in attractiveness in the Pac 12 along with us and ASU, which is probably a weather thing, but still)…
The Wildcats have lost to Oregon, Stanford and Oklahoma State and won against Northern Arizona. This makes it a little tough to gauge where they are at. It’s like we’re about to fight a guy who lost fights to two MMA fighters and a retired boxer and won a fight against a teenage boywho was sleeping at the time.
They still have Nick Foles and his “hey brah, you going to Newport?” looks. And this guy can put numbers up.
They also still have this logo, which is probably the most arrogant in the Pac-12.
I mean, honestly you put that on any t-shirt and you can sell it for 58 dollars in Brooklyn (or 129 dollars at Kitson, if you want the west coast equivalent).
2 PT CONVERSIONS
none, Kiffin is punishing Andre Heidari for winning a poker hand he bluffed on so he’s going to actually make him kick this week.
KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION
No doubt this week. White shirt. White Visor. Khakis. Victory.