I watched this game rather casually in that I couldn’t devote my full attention to it (not casually like I was wearing white canvas shoes that would be appropriate only at a pool at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs while holding something like a rum runner). I was in Los Olivos, in the heart of the central coast wine country preparing to act as officiant in two close friends’ wedding. This was my first wedding, so I had to slow roll any scotch consumption.
That said, the entire experience was surreal. Every time I turned towards the television, 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley was throwing a touchdown or at least a pass that went for 20. He finished with over 200,000 yards on the day setting the school record for distance (not just passing yards, but like, most distance in general including teachers commutes and people flying away from USC on business trips). Literally, expect the NCAA to suspend Matt for the frequent flyer miles he racked up that day.
Joining him was Heisman Woods, who basically continued on his pace to be the only USC wide receiver ever to net 1,000 receiving miles in a season. This clearly pissed of Marquise Lee and Xavier Grimble who decided to go off and start their careers in true arrogant fashion.
I am so pumped up about the offense. I was so pumped up about the offense that I can very close to wearing a visor while I officiated the wedding. I thought it would be a classy move but the bride is an Oregon Duck (my favorite one, Prefontaine is #2) and I decided not to. Also, I made her miss the Ducks/Trojans game last year (my wedding day) and she never complained. Also, at least her and her husband had the wisdom to let the bearhunter, a symbol of Trojan arrogance, bind them in matrimony.
Real quick, T.J. McDonald. Earmuffs. You were amazing. So earmuffs.
The arrogant victory was achieved running our undefeated streak to 18. It wasn’t all our offensive prowess that won us the victory. It was the fact that I am pretty sure Monty Kiffin fell asleep like a cat in a sunbeam during this game. When he saw the offense tearing it up and T.J. catching more of Nick Foles’ passes than the Wildcats, he was like, naaaaap tiiiiime.
And for the first time in a long time, it felt like USC was in a vintage Pac-10 game, the kind you’d see after a few pints at the bar and you are like Cal and Oregon State are scoring on every play.
I enjoyed it.
Now look. We didn’t need much defense to beat up on the Wildcats, who are still reeling from the saguaro tipping injuries and impending sanctions. But we’re going to eventually need some defense, so to my homies on the team that play D, I’m not beating up on you. I’m not being a NARC. I’m just saying, campus cops are coming (Oregon, Stanford) and you may want to throw out those beer cans.
We don’t need to freak out now. But I’d love to beat those punks and defense will be a reasonable part of it. My advice for the defense is just do what Robert Woods does, only do it for the other team’s quarterback. If you have questions, ask T.J. I know you will turn on the jets, just make sure Monty is awake.
My Kiffin outfit prediction was spot on. We won in arrogance. We won on the field. A HANDSOME 4-1 record going into the bye week.
That mean’s it’s my bye week too. It’s my birthday today, so I’ll just deal with ya’ll on the flip side. Happy B-Day Bearfighter.