Arrogant Game Preview: Cal Golden Bears

I was eating pinot grapes somewhere in the Central Coast discussing my new line of not-very-affordable wines when it occured to me that we were playing a football game on a Thursday.  Now, Thursday is my Arrogant Game Preview Day.  How do I write a preview for a game that hasn’t happened yet?  I know I have a Delorean and I frequently time travel, but never for USC games.  I like seeing them in realtime because knowing what Kiffin wore is totally ruined when you, well, already know what he wore.

Look.  Larry Scott in his infinite wisdom has decided to play games on random nights this year because he thinks more people will watch Pac-12 games if they are not competing with SEC/Big Ten games basically.  So, we are playing on Thursday.  You know what would have made more people watch Pac-12 games LARRY?  Maybe not telling everyone we’re getting all the cool teams from the Big 12 and then you show up with Colorado and Utah.

Texas vs USC every year or random Thursday games?  Tough decision.

Regardless, it is with special vigor that I write to you today, because as disgusting as it is ruining our weekender by making it NOT ON THE WEEKEND, LARRY, I have to be honest.  I love the first time we play a team with Bears in their name.

This time, the next chapter of the Phantom Rivalry with Jeff Tedford and his California Bears.  I write about it every year (going back to when I was with LAist).  Cal fans get all stoked about USC like it’s a rivalry and Tedford has won only once against USC.  Like I said before, if this is a rivalry, so is the matchup between a rat and a mousetrap.  Or a rack of lamb and the oven.  Both teams need to win for it to be a rivalry and at this point, even if Cal won it wouldn’t be a rivalry.  Also, I am not sure games on Thursdays count.

So, the backstory here is that Jeff Tedford has gone back to calling the offensive plays for Cal, and frankly, it’s helped.  Their offense is good this year and the way we have been playing D, I am pretty sure the hippies on Strawberry Hill will be dancing and discussing whether or not the Decemberists were right to go all “folksy” on their last album at a fever pitch.

The good news is, this is Cal and unless Robert Woods and Matt Barkley decide they want to eat cioppino and sourdough instead of play football, we’re going to score plenty.  Limit the turnovers and I am pretty sure we’re sitting pretty at 5-1 just in time for an awkwardly long wait until our next game against the Farm.  The Domers.  Sorry.  My commenters are right.  Too arrogant even to look.  Plus I wanna get to the Farm before Harbaugh shows up or something.

The magical backstory here is that Kiff went to Fresno State (BY CHOICE!) to work with Tedford and actually gave up years of his eligibility to become a coaching assistant.  Kiff wanted to professionally wear visors, not helmets, from a young age, which is astonishing considering his father’s haircut and what is in store for him.  That said, Layla is the scoreboard, so apparently Fresno is good for something.

Tedford is famous for making his QBs hold the ball really high in the air, something Aaron Rodgers had to unlearn in order to do things like “exist on the nation scene” and “win Super Bowls” or even “Big Games”.  4th and 9, Aaron.  Don’t think we forgot.

Look, I can’t make it any clearer:  Matt Barkley has never lost to a bear, a bruin, a cub or anything.  He’s 4-0 in bear situations, so even a betting man would be uncomfortable putting money on the Bears, especially after seeing the Chicago Bears lose last night.  Writing is on the wall, it’s a bad week to be a bear.

One cautionary note to our Trojans, this is the Bears we’re dealing with.  When Oregon was running them ragged last year, they faked injuries.  Check it out:

I mean, this is the furthest thing from arrogant there was.  I’d rather just lose to Oregon (sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little) than pretend to be hurt to slow them down.  Also, notice in that game clip Cal was wearing their banana costumes and managed to make Oregon look subtle on the football field.  That’s a huge fail right there.

Anyway, the weekender is not on the weekend.  Stanford is next week.  You see how much I pay attention to Notre Dame these days.   There is no better way to prepare to cut down some trees than to just go out to the Bay Area and kill some bears with your friends.  I do it all the time.  It’s amazing.  My friends say “wanna golf” and I am like, “nah, let’s just make caviar smoothies, lure bears into playing pool with us and start a bar fight”.  You get why that’s better, don’t you?

Bears vs Barkley.  Lezgo.

PREDICTIONS!

USC 273
Cal 178

Until our defense stops getting into classic Pac 12 matches, this is kind of what you should expect from my score predictions.

2 PT CONVERSIONS

2 of 11 (With mentor Tedford there, the Visor is going to show off.  Expect Layla to dress fancy as well)

KIFFIN’S OUTFIT

White visor, White windbreaker, White glove for playsheet, Olive pants.

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12 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

12 responses to “Arrogant Game Preview: Cal Golden Bears

  1. Evan

    Pretty sure Notre Dame is next week. Whatev. Cal is still super lame. They’re the ultimate “we’re going to walk around like our football team is really good, even though we haven’t been to a Rose Bowl since the Gold Rush” school.

  2. ThatGingerKid

    We play Notre Dame last week, but it was especially arrogant to pretend like they don’t exist.

  3. ThatGingerKid

    Next week* Thursday time travel has me all fuzzy

  4. Embowaf

    It’s pretty arrogant to not look at the schedule and forget we’re playing notre dame next and not stanford.

  5. Mike

    Zack, quick heads up. Schedule: Kal -> Notre Dame -> Farm.

  6. RunTravelerRun

    Can I legally kill a bear on a Thursday?

  7. Bearskin Trojan

    you guys clearly aren’t arrogant enough. do better. thanks

  8. I’ve got my “Bowls” shirt all cleaned and ready for Friday. Suck it NCAA! 6-1 and 7-0 in arrogance, here we come!

  9. JP

    “Kiffin tried the trick play instead of opting for the easy field goal.”
    “That’s no fun,” Kiffin said. “You’re on ESPN. You have to do something fun.”

    Considering that was with no lead, on the first drive, in the first quarter, I’d say that pretty much takes the arrogant move of the week.

    You nailed the outfit prediction.

    • ldytrjn

      That play had me & my peoples wondering what his call should be – I think “Big Dick Kiff” has a good ring (as opposed to “Big Balls Pete”)

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