Arrogant Game Recap: Cal Bears

I had no idea when to post this.  That was partly due to the odd Thursday night game, but also partly due to the fact I was called in (by helicopter) to broker a peace treaty between two countries I had previously not heard of over an element that fuels clean technology that I had also not heard of.  It was kind of like Avatar, minus the blue people, plus more robot soldiers, minus Sigourney Weaver.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Speaking of Avatar, if you adjusted the hue and tint on your plasma screen during our game at AT&T Park, Cal’s banana-gram jerseys would have looked a lot like the people from Avatar.  Seriously, Oregon is the only school that can pull off dressing like fifth graders and that’s because Nike gives them first choice and when you have an all-time losing bowl record, you aren’t exactly required to wear a suit and tie.  Cal took the run off gear.  They printed that yellow monstrosity and Nike was like, well eff.  That’s too weird even for Puddles and Co., let’s give it to Cal and see if they notice.

I guess everything is nice at the bottom of the Pac 12 North.

Anyway, despite injuries that may not linger for Lee and Tyler, this game made me happy.  Real happy.  For one, Kiffin wore exactly what I predicted (thanks for the call Layla).  Tedford really regretted the blue hat approach I bet.  In a war of Fresno State products, always bet on le Visor.

With Cal stacking half the nerds in blue and gold polo shirts in the crowd on Robert Woods, my main man Lee was making plays left and right until he made a play so filthy, parts of his body exploded.  I can’t wait to take his game to ND.

Number one homie of the blog Matt Barkley was airing it out a little bit, but no picks, the beard remains. Speaking of picks…

Cal’s QB Whatever Maynard was our fifth best offensive player.  Thanks guy.  He turned the ball over more than a golden retriever with a tennis ball.

Here’s what I want to really cover though because if we know one thing about the Phantom Rivalry, it’s that Cal won’t win, they will show pictures of Aaron Rodgers (who co-beat USC in triple overtime for Tedford’s only win against us and then lost the more important game the following year) and DeSean Jackson (who did nothing against USC the whole time he was professionally doing banana impersonations in Berkeley) and no matter what the score is or prognostication, it will be less close that the score indicates (even if it’s 42-0).

What I want to talk about is my old neighbor Craig James (yes, we lived on the same street those 3 years I lived in Dallas).  I want to talk Craig James and his broadcast team who did nothing but beat up USC, talk about Barkley leaving, talk about how Cal was throwing the game away with turnovers and continually harp on USC being young.

It’s like these guys were pissed they had to go to San Francisco to watch USC play in a baseball stadium.  Really?  You’d rather be in Tuscaloosa hoping Waffle House is still open after the world shuts down post game?  Dude, USC cleans up, you take a cab to the Marina and hang with the young pretty folks, maybe grab a Tiki drink at Tonga, get weird in the Mission, maybe eat some cioppino in a sourdough bowl.  That’s what Kiffin did.  He took a knee in the first half because he had dinner reservations.

All ESPN did was talk about Andrew Luck, as if anyone on the West coast outside of Palo Alto doesn’t think he is a caveman tool who throws less than 30 balls a game because they just run it.  Luck’s fine (except for his face), but let’s get real, did Cal or USC fans care?  I know I don’t.  I’ll worry about him when our D Line is sitting on his face.

I am constantly insulted by ESPN’s disregard for the west coast.  Just because once a year you go to Autzen once a year to watch Puddles do drugs, doesn’t mean you watch West Coast football.  And in case you were curious, Andrew Luck is more interesting to look at (look at him) than listen to.

Also, here’s the USC formula for ESPN post-Carroll (and early Carroll).  When USC gets a turnover, blame the opponent.  When USC gives up a turnover, praise the opponent.  When USC gets a penalty, call them thugs.  When USC benefits from a penalty, question the call.  Then randomly praise one player on the team (or two) since you know half the team goes to the NFL and you can tell your buddies in Bristol you knew way back when that one time you watch a Pac game and read what your AP printed out from Google and handed to you.

“Robert Woods?  He must be great!”

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6 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

6 responses to “Arrogant Game Recap: Cal Bears

  1. Craig James, Hooker Killer

    You lived on the same street as Craig James? Hopefully you can finally put to rest all of those nasty rumors that he did not kill 5 hookers at SMU. Did you ever witness Craig James kill one or more hookers? He’s never gone on record saying he didn’t kill five hookers at SMU, so obviously it is true that Craig James killed 5 hookers while he was at SMU (and maybe more while he was considering running for Senate).

  2. Mike4USC

    One thing you forgot to mention about the ESPN crew: Every time we kicked a field goal to hang another 3 points on the board, say it was a “huge victory for Cal.”

  3. ldytrjn

    Besides the fact that Craig James & The Evil Four Letter hates us (which is always abundantly clear when anyone other than Brent Musburger calls our games), I found it remarkable that they basically talked THE ENTIRE GAME. I think they took turns to ensure they filled every nanosecond of the first half in some sadistic talking-head round-robin designed to spark madness in the unguarded masses that would lead to mass hysteria (or at the very least dogs and cats living together). All I kept thinking about was flying my dragon down to the stadium (she’s a cardinal and gold version of Maleficent in Final Boss mode) and stuffing apples in their mouths just to get a moment of peace. The only reason I chose to stay home was because I’d just released her dinner bears and didn’t want to disturb her meal. She likes to toy with them and make the meal last…like the French.

  4. ESPN, strangely enough, has the worst game announcers. You’re right that they refused to stop talking about Luck. I’ve never watched football and heard so much commentary about someone who wasn’t even in the stadium!

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