Arrogant Game Preview: Stanford Cardinal

I had to leave Ibiza early.  It was getting to that point where we didn’t see a clear delineation between day and night.  It could easily be Christmas by the time I left.  Gordon Ramsey showed up and taught eight of us how to make risotto worthy of three Michelin stars in a back alley over a fire in a garbage can.  I am pretty sure he told a soft shell crab a story before he ripped its face out and tempura fried him.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  It was good times, but I needed to get serious.

Stanford is coming to the Coliseum and I needed to take that as seriously as I could.  I needed to get as serious as I possibly could, not because Stanford engineers have created a rip in time and space resulting in them winning 3 of the last 4 from us, but because their mascot is coming to town and I needed to alert every elementary school in LAUSD that a twisted up, deranged, glue-sniffing star of To Catch A Predator who likes to play dress up is coming into town.

I mean, I am pretty sure the dude from Boardwalk Empire was based on this creepy tree’s malformed face.

Literally if the tree robbed a bank, that’d be his police sketch.

Let’s get into the facts.  It’s been backwards day for a while.  Stanford is undefeated.  In football.  They’ve been beating us more times than not for a while now.  We need to be honest about this if we plan to correct it.  We simply can’t live in a world where a team that rushes the field when winning a home game in which they are favored is undefeated.  Remember that last year?  That’s who we are dealing with.

Let me put Stanford into perspective for you.  Stanford is that guy in an action movie who is on a killing spree and then realizes he’s shot, but pure adrenaline keeps it running and killing as if it refused to die.  But then it dies.  Stanford is the wiggling lobster tail after it’s been cut in half.  It’s in its death twitch and no one realizes it.

There’s just a lot of misconception around this team.  Is it good on the field right now?  Yes.  Is that an outlier?  Yes.

Stanford, to their credit or to their commitment to losing, requires a different academic standard for their athletes.  It’s like Duke (where it works because you only need like 4 smart athletes to be good in basketball) or Notre Dame (how’s that working out for you). Stanford caught lightning in a bottle when they signed Jim Harbaugh.  For all the Andrew Luck talk, at this point, can’t we just be honest it is all about Jim Harbaugh?

The guy won at USD (no offense to my wife’s alma mater).  The guy won at Stanford.  The guy is winning in San Francisco with a quarterback that literally contributed to California’s economic woes because he wasted so much money on his signing.  And now he’s good.

Is it possible that Andrew Luck is overrated and Jim Harbaugh (my initial choice to replace Uncle Pete) is so good it doesn’t matter what team he inherits?  I don’t know how he does it, but I’ll tell you he gets 110% from all his athletes.  Here’s photographic evidence of the extra 10% I never gave my coaches:

But you can’t argue the results.  What you can argue is the media and Andrew Luck’s dominance.  Once you accept that ESPN is a talking head that trickles down to lower media outlets (who just watch ESPN and rewrite it even worse), you kind of understand they run the show and they keep their story straight.  Andrew Luck provides them a star in a time when USC is “down”, or at least, required to be down because they are so far in bed with the NCAA and the BCS that the NCAA’s wife doesn’t even think it’s weird there are 3 people to a bed anymore.

All the evidence you need is that once Luck decided to stay this season and Harbaugh left, anytime you watch a football game West of Denver, they just talk about Andrew Luck all day.  Literally, every throw.  QB throws it high.  “You see, that’s what separates Andrew Luck from the rest of the quarterbacks, he makes that throw 11 out of 10 times”.  Thanks, that really helped me understand Colorado State’s 3rd down conversion attempt against effing BYU.  “You know, Andrew Luck isn’t from Utah, but I bet if he was BYU would be winning this game”.

All for this effing guy:

Now, I’m not meaning to devalue a guy with a 180 quarterback ranking (even if his big win was against Duke), but this is a guy who rarely throws the ball more that 30ish times a game.  Part of this is his running game and their emergence, but let’s keep it real.  Stanford and Luck are a run hard, play physical throw to the tight ends kind of team.

If you have the stomach to watch NCAA cheater Mel Kiper and Notre Dame worshipping Todd McShay’s preview of the USC-Stanford game, you’d hear Kiper say Barkley doesn’t have “elite skill” in the same sentence he says he has him in the first 10 picks of the NFL draft.  If you then look at Barkley and Luck’s stat lines, you will find that Barkley has thrown for more yards, one more pick and one less touchdown.  Statistically, they are neck and neck.

Now, I understand the NFL guys have a million things they like to nitpick about and in the end they don’t know any more than we do.  The truth is, the reason Barkley isn’t in the Heisman conversation is the sanctions and ESPN’s commitment to them.  It should piss you off.  Now, if Matt comes back next year, he’ll be a preseason favorite.  ESPN is that predictable.   But Matt is my homeboy, and he is yours too, so we need to expedite the process and hit Luck in the mouth often and hard.  Don’t worry, he’ll look the same either way.

mel kiper jr: football super genius guy

Kiper talked about how USC is an underdog in this game and how we have nothing to lose.  Are you kidding?  He cited us being about a touchdown underdog.  Isn’t that what we were with Notre Dame?  Do you feel like their story is a bit off?  I mean, I don’t expect much from a man who asks his barber to give him “the helmet look”, but still.  A one touchdown favorite when you have Andrew Luck (who apparently sells his used toilet paper on eBay for 100 bucks a sheet, Kiper buys all of them) and you are technically vying for a National Title?  ESPN is bringing GameDay to USC.  Stanford isn’t bringing Harbaugh.  Arrogant Nation is showing up.  I feel good.  I feel really good.

And real quick, Marquise Lee would be the leading receiver on Stanford.  Robert Woods has more yards than their top two receivers combined.

While Stanford’s points scored per game total is impressive, I wouldn’t mind having Duke, San Jose State, UCLA, Colorado and Washington State on our early season docket as well.  Not that Minnesota is that fearsome, but the Syracuse win looks better than it did and the way our offense has looked lately, I suspect we don’t play Keystone Cops with the football if we play ASU tomorrow.

I don’t know if I’d feel so good about an Oregon game right now, but I’ll tell you what.  I feel good about Stanford.  If you have friends on the team, make them read this.  I feel good because we played a complete game last week and Kiffin was in some kind of super zone where he and the visor finally came to an accord on how we’d attack the defense.  We got jacked up by a hostile crowd and we pissed on their parade.

Here’s my pump up and I’m out.

Believe it or not, this time last year the Andrew Luck hype wasn’t the same.  Yes, he was building buzz to being a top pick, but it was far from the situation it is now, where a man who looks like he headbutts a brick wall everyday when he brushes his teeth gets more media coverage than all of the Pac-12, including Oregon’s neon vomit outfits, ASU’s creepy pedophile mascot, UCLA’s pathetic coaching staff and even our sanctions COMBINED.

They make it out like Matt Barkley has something wild to prove this game.  Guess what.  It’s Luck who has something to prove.  In our 2 pt. loss last year, I feel like most people forget the stats.  I know Luck’s team won, but by all means check out the stat line…

Luck’s completion percentage was amazing, but Barkley threw the same 3 TDs and 105 more yards…  on the road.   If anything, Luck needs to come down here and prove with all the spotlight against elite athletes and with all of Arrogant Nation, my self especially, waiting to call him out the first sign he makes a mistake.  It’s Luck who has the burden.  It’s luck who’s draft status is one abysmal game from getting the other side of the ESPN treatment.  The “Is Andrew Luck Overrated” 24/7 onslaught that will come.  Is a guy who plays in obscurity at an academic college that will be back at the bottom in two years ready for that?

We’ll see.  The one thing I’m sure of is he won’t be running off with any of our cheerleaders unless it’s to bring her back to his home in the swamp with his talking donkey friend.

Conversely, this is our chance to hit them in the mouth and remind them who the bearfighters really are.  This is our chance to stick it to ESPN and their Judas anchors who loved us with Pete and love to make mountains of molehills with us now.  Half their staff is on the Davey O’Briend QB award selection committee.  The fan vote represents 5% of the total, so I am using that platform to make Arrogant Nation a voter.

Yesterday, I asked Arrogant Nation to vote for Matt at THIS ADDRESS because Andrew Luck had a 100+ vote lead.  After one day, check out what we did.  Enjoy Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback…

Now, I’m not done with being better than Luck.  I know for a fact that if everyone who reads this post today votes once, Matt would take the lead.  That’s why I want each of you to vote everyday until it stops letting you HERE.

Last year, we got a ton of smack talk from Stanford, their new-to-football fans and even one horrible “sportswriter” from the Daily Nerd or whatever they call their paper.  I welcome it again this year, especially since if history teaches us anything, this is a weekend and a game to savor.

It’s a game to savor because Stanford will eventually return to being garbage.  As much as their fans argue this fact, they are smart enough to know, it’s their swan song they are singing.  It may be a slow death, but I’d prefer a swift one on the blade of our Trojan’s sword in front of our bloodthirsty crowd as the sun goes down.  Scream your face off.  Be maniacs.  This is our day to make things awkward for ESPN (like that time Erin Andrew’s crewmember went into peeping tom mode).  Or that time Mel Kiper was called out for helping with illegal recruiting.  Or how he still works there.  Or when they had Craig James in the 30 for 30 about taking money at SMU and he’s still there.  Or how…  Okay, I’m too busy to keep listing.

Basically, let’s throw a grenade in the tank and watch it go boom.


USC 35
THE FARM less than we score


NONE.  This one is for keeps.


No chance he deviates from his white windbreaker combo from Notre Dame.  I bet he wouldn’t let it be washed.  Frankly, it doesn’t get dirty it is so bright so, he’s rocking the same as last week, equally majestic, like the first time you saw the Grand Canyon.





Filed under Rants and Musings

18 responses to “Arrogant Game Preview: Stanford Cardinal

  1. Jeremy

    Spread the word about this BS of the NCAA President showing his filthy mug on campus.

  2. TrojanDynasty

    Re Harbaugh. When Gruden left the Raiders, Bill Fucking Callahan gravy-trained the Raiders into the Super Bowl the year after. Then look what happened. Stanford will be back in the Cal eeking out a chance at a Dec 22nd Bowl game type record in no time.

  3. Fight On

    stanford hasn’t played ASU this year

  4. Traveler99

    Fearless Arrogant Leader,

    Any GameDay sign suggestions for your loyal subjects this year?

  5. Tunzelpang

    Good stuff, Zack. 7 games in, Stanford still hasn’t played a team with a real defense. By the end of this game, I see Luck with at least as many INTs as Barkley, if not more. I say we give ’em a heavy diet of Tyler, McNeal, Tyler, McNeal, Tyler, McNeal…

  6. Tunzelpang

    Also, Andrew Luck’s stats against Arizona (our only shared opponent so far this season):
    9/17 @Arizona W 37-10 20 31 325 64.5 39 2 0 173.9

    Annnnnnd Barkley’s:
    10/1 Arizona W 48-41 32 39 468 82.1 82 4 1 211.6

  7. Jordan

    Have you ever done a side-by-side separated at birth comparison between Andrew Luck and the guy that played Mitch in “Waiting”? It’s uncanny.

  8. Red

    this just made my thursday. swag.

  9. JP

    The only thing better than this is the email in my inbox from Lane Fucking Kiffin saying my order has been shipped. Casual Friday at the office just got real yo.

  10. Chris

    Mel Kiper Jr = Danny DeVito as the Penguin.

  11. jpfoursc

    well played on that fucked up mascot. my neighbor’s semi retarded second-grader brings home “art” projects that look better than that cracked out pipe cleaner impersonating a tree. a tree…. the only thing more repulsive than that stupid mascot is the absolute shit show they call a band. think that kid that plays the keg drum wrangled a scholie for that “talent”?

    the trojans need to restore the natural order of the conference and it starts on saturday by reclaiming this state for the bear fighters.

    there can be only one… it’s colors are cardinal and gold, it has a real mascot that rides a real horse. time for the pretenders (and their stupid tree) to be put back in their place…



  12. John

    i’m a usc alum but this is just stupid and flatout embarrassing. this is why everyone hates us.

    • Zack Jerome

      didn’t you learn at usc not to give a shit what anyone thinks of us? what possible benefit do we get from other teams “liking” us. are you currently at UCLA for grad school?

  13. Matt L

    FIGHT ON… Love – Andrew Luck

    What’s your problem?

  14. Cardinal

    I know that math isn’t the Trojan Family’s strong suit, but it’s laughable that you think the stat line from last year’s game shows that Barkley > Luck. If Andrew attempted 21 more throws – 45 vs. 24 – pretty sure he would have accumulated more than 5 yards per pass. And some.

    Better luck next year. #revengeofthenerds

    • Zack Jerome

      of course you wait until after the game to argue about LAST year’s game. good win, i’d savor these last few weeks.

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