I’m wireless in a helicopter looking out at Corcovado right now scouting hotels for the World Cup and no matter how much I listen to “Girl From Ipanema”, no matter how many Caipirinhas I drink, I can’t stop thinking about Larry Scott. I’ve been saying it from day one. That guy is a wolf-ticket-selling, underachieving, myopic, possibly spineless UCLA fan that NO ONE seems to hold accountable for anything.
When USC gets sanctioned, he declares USC can’t play in the first Pac-12 Championship, as opposed to SEC and Big Ten leadership who pretty much would have buried bodies and severed heads for USC if it was the alpha school in their respective conferences.
Then, when Paul Dee gets dumped on in the Miami scandal because, well, he was the AD during a period where an on-field booster was having sex yacht parties with players, scoring them drugs and even hooking one of their girlfriends up with an abortion. He was THAT AD and ALSO the main attacker at USC’s sanctions hearings on behalf of the NCAA. In that scenario, Larry Scott basically dumped on the NCAA, but did nothing to help USC.
So basically, both sides of the coin.
Larry Scott addresses concerns that the Pac-10 officiating is terrible (especially if you are USC) and literally fired half of them and said things would be better, amazing, top-notch.
Then, when Lane Kiffin gets totally jobbed by these new super-refs and the entire media world is calling them out, what does Larry do? Fine Kiffin, suspend T.J. McDonald and issue THIS quote:
“The Pac-12 has specific rules that prohibit our coaches from making public comments about officiating, and this prohibition specifically includes comments that create doubts about the credibility of the conference’s officiating program. The Conference expects each Pac-12 coach to adhere to our standards of conduct and to conduct himself or herself in a manner which will reflect credit on the institution and the Conference.”
What?! Who did Larry consult about these rules? North Korea? So, basically, if you get jobbed, you can’t say anything and if you do, they don’t review it, they just fine you. Seems fairly un-American. Even if you fine Kiffin, don’t you still look over the play? I mean, doesn’t Lane get an “apology” from the refs like we’ve seen in the past? Remember the phantom Reggie Bush forward lateral in the Rose Bowl or Vince Young’s knee-was-done touchdown toss? We didn’t get the game back, but we at least got a “yeah, we were wrong”. This time? Eff you Lane, don’t criticize me or it might trigger everyone doing the same thing. Love, Larry.
Hey, Larry. You are starting to remind me of the NCAA. And I hate you. That’s real. I don’t wish personal harm on you, but you are starting to get that familiar NCAA smell about you. I know you don’t want to talk about the guy who spotted the ball in the miracle-math “2nd and 7” holding call being a NOTRE DAME ALUM. Why would you? You only like to talk about the GREAT things you are doing and hedging that bet that ESPN won’t call you out for being at best, average (except in the category of receding hairlines, where you are dominating).
And to top off the taco, you got celebrated for getting the Pac a billion dollar television deal. Just because your predecessor may have been legally lobotomized doesn’t mean you are a hero. If you give me the rights to hundreds of sporting events held in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle and Phoenix, getting 1 billion dollars is pretty much what should happen. Those are major DMAs. Just because the average consumer doesn’t pay attention to media markets doesn’t mean I don’t (was that a triple negative?). If you have two teams in Los Angeles, two teams in San Francisco, you shouldn’t have trouble selling car insurance. Great job hitting a 6 inch putt. Golf clap. You’re my hero.
And when you paraded around the country telling us the Pac was going to be a superconference, when you told us we’d get teams like Oklahoma and Texas and OSU and Tech, we all got stoked.
Then you gave us Who-tah and you gave us a school who can’t decide if they are called Boulder or Colorado whose mascot was literally the thing that sustained life by being so fat and killable for 3 of the 4 teams you promised us and didn’t deliver (assuming longhorns don’t eat buffalo, but Cowboys, Red Raiders, who I think are like cowboys, and Sooners all ate Buffs).
And what’s worse, now we have to play them in 30 degree weather on a FRIDAY NIGHT because you think this somehow helps us. I hate you Larry Scott, it’s not personal, I just feel like someone needs to point out that you make no sense, you never make good and you sweep problems under the rug and then point out how nice the carpet is.
I call for USC secession! We’ll form a conference with Notre Dame, just play each other, win all the time and be rich.
Ug, now I have to talk about Colorado. How Arrogant that I am just getting around to it! Also how I capitalized Arrogant!
They haven’t won a Pac-12 game. They aren’t going to. The last time we played them we won 40-3. The only cool thing that could happen this game is IF we actually lost so then NEXT year I’d actually be excited to play Boulder. Or Colorado. Or whatever I am supposed to call them.
I hear their fans are stoked which gives me the excitement that we will be slightly hungover from the Stanford loss and they will be in Super Bowl mode and that this game won’t suck. We’re “sanctioned” and just dealt with an emotional loss. Basically if this game isn’t good, it never will be. This is their best chance and it’s still like putting 40K on 22 on the roulette table.
I could talk about how Boulder is all granola, but I just don’t care enough about it. The last time this school had something to talk about was when that one dude couldn’t play because he was also a big skiier and the NCAA called him a pro because he wanted to represent the country in the Olympics. I don’t even remember the story and I won’t Google it because I’d rather Google anything else. Literally, name it. I’ll Google it.
I have lots of friends that went to Boulder. They are awesome and good looking and the point of this isn’t to say anything negative about the education or the lifestyle, both seems pretty cool. This is just about the fact that playing you in football is awful. I care more about playing San Jose State because at least their uniforms are bright and I am not sure when we’ll see them again. I’m stuck with you Boulder and there’s nothing I can do.
Thanks for Will Weston though, your greatest alum. He deserves a shout out and here’s an awesome picture of him. He has killed bears with me and is exempt from this critique of his alma mater. Also, he rode his bike from Denver to Kansas City and was celebrated by the Royals upon arriving. Yes, that story is true, even the part about him supporting the Royals.
Look at them hops. Imagine a bear underneath. Realness.
Look Boulder, Larry Scott told us Texas. We got you and your less-cool but more athletic sibling Utah. This is like if you invited Brad Pitt to your dinner party and I showed up instead. Like, I am a good time, I have bourbon and cigars, but it’s not going to impress your granola-eating friends looking for a taste of the Hollywood life.
Basically, I like you guys fine, but short of you winning this game, tonight is gonna go into my brain in the same way my neighbor’s first name did. I don’t remember it and I didn’t really try to. So in a way I am rooting for you. It’s conceivable you win this game, but I wouldn’t bet on it.
I don’t know anyone on your team except the one dude who went to Serra who caught like 300 yards against Cal and is coming back from an injury, but the dude is going to be the 4th best player from that high school in the stadium.
I just hope it snows so I feel all Christmasy. That’s my main goal. That and for Matt Barkley to stay next year because I want to see this machine at full steam and I want to see Matty win a Rose Bowl and write his name in that legacy.
Colorado. Or Boulder. Buffs. Whatever, put up a fight because otherwise this game is going to be like Washington State. And that is worse than death.
We’re going to win and I don’t care by how much and if somehow we don’t, I will be excited to write the recap of the game.
2 PT CONVERSIONS
If we don’t attempt one this week I am suspending this prediction from next week.
That white mumu jacket and a visor to compete with the snow.
That’s it. I’m out.