Good Monday, Arrogant Nationals. I write to you from the back of a wild boar as we are out hunting an animal so delicious and endangered I can’t tell you about what it’s called (it’d freak you out) or how it tastes (you’d think everything tastes like sandpaper from here on out). I mean, it’s actually so delicious it borders on being disgusting, almost like, it’s so good I hate it because the bar is set too high. It’s like that scene in Once Upon a Time in Mexico where Johnny Depp kills the chef who made carnitas so good that he needed to murder someone. And that’s me right now only I am on a boar (which are surprisingly amazing to drive, I am even able to blog on my Apple II I brought because I am just so Brooklyn).
So, we might as well talk about that football game we played against that school on that day that wasn’t Saturday (F U Larry Scott). First of all, my enjoyment of this ass-kicking was severely limited by the fact that Folsom Field sucks. It’s factual and I think it cannot be defended.
The biggest evidence this stadium was developed by children with crayons was the view the ESPN cameras had to use for the game. Look, ESPN can be impossible to watch most of the time (without NBA or MLB, it’s pretty much the talk about NFL to the point I’m burnt-out by Sunday channel), but one thing they know how to do is set up cameras. They go 3D sometimes. They hang fucking robot cameras OVER the field that fly around. They have ladies on the sidelines with dudes holding cameras.
NONE OF THAT could save the camera angles the design of Folsom Field requires. Did they force the camera crew to shoot the game from a vertical belltower six feet off the sideline? Half the time they couldn’t fit the whole field on camera. I know it was built before widescreen, but I’m pretty sure the Coliseum was built before, like, screens in general and our games are watchable.
Literally, there’d be moments where Matt Barkley would throw a ball into the abyss at the bottom of the screen, I’d be like “what are you doing!?!?!” and then I’d realize there was still about ten yards there and Robert Woods was busy running a mile ahead of the corner trying to guard him. I mean, I like happy surprises, but that stadium is a joke.
So was the skateboarding ramp they wrote COLORADO on in the endzone. What’s the point of that thing? You had all this snow everywhere, why not just admit you care about riding more than football and have some hot Boulder girls riding halfpipe over there. It’d be better than watching your football team pretend to be a track team chasing us around the field.
We’ve had a lot of good quarterbacks in the last ten years (except you John David Booty, even though I had your back). Two of them won Heismans (and got to keep them, Reggie). One of them never threw a touchdown in college and ended up getting a 2.4 billion dollar deal to play football in Kansas City. One of them poses in GQ every month and plays for the Jets. None of them threw for SIX TOUCHDOWNS in a game.
Look, Matt Barkley is the man. I keep in touch with him and have no idea whether or not he will stay next year, but he’s so good (and Woods and Lee are so good) that I literally can’t stop thinking about how fun the revenge tour will be next year if he stays and we win the Rose Bowl (the only thing I care about). That said, even he isn’t going to throw six effing touchdowns against a team not called the Buffaloes.
The truth is, all my predictions were true (even Kiffin’s outfit, where he was too arrogant to put on a beanie). I am going to schedule my next vacation for the game where they come to LA next year. I am so bored by them that I don’t know what to do. I did enjoy the beginning when it looked like they were going to make it a game. If you recall, I said I was almost rooting for them to win so this game would be one that mattered (kind of like how Stanford will continue to matter until we beat them next year and the outlier days are done).
Kiffin broke out the single glove for this game to help him grip his playbook. I need to say this is by far my favorite of his arrogant wardrobe choices. It’s so amazing. So is the fact that he refused to call Marquise Lee his name until he had a 2 touchdown day. That is awesome too.
Clearly, I am done discussing Colorado. Here’s what I am not done discussing: How awesome our team is getting again. The word is on the street and the haters are just doing everything in their power to convince Barkley to leave. The truth is, our movement is working and Matt is just now seeing the beginning of his rewards. USC has stars again. Not since Leinart and Bush (I hate you Reggie) and White and Williams and Jarrett and Smith has USC had this kind of playmaking crew. Woods and Lee and McNeal and Barkley are just starting to feel like a special unit.
You know I don’t care about “national titles” anymore in this BCS era. I do care about Rose Bowls. When you win the Rose Bowl, they put your name in gold on the entrance to our rival’s home stadium. You also get to beat a Big Ten team and their drunk, delusional fans that keep thinking “this is the year”.
I want that for Matt Barkley. I want for him to have ridden out the storm and deliver us back to the Rose Bowl and rendering sanctions as pointless as we knew they were.
Oh wait, I was supposed to be talking about Colorado. Damn. That keeps happening.