I am deep in an undisclosed forest right now enjoying a meal strange enough for an Indiana Jones film (by the way, Indiana Jones is fifth on a list of 37 people both fictional and real I have been basing my training on). This meal is part of a society of chefs too wild for normal chef duties, so they come to the wild and hunt and cook their own prey. I got an evite, so I rolled.
I had totally forgotten about today’s post until one chef (Olek) brought out a croque en bouche of pickled duck face mousse puffs. An impressive feat, but it made one ugly image pop into my head. Donald Duck’s rapist brother Puddles.
Look at his crotch-shot pose. Look at his dilated eyes from drinking back-country moonshine and sniffing glue. Look at his outfit, clearly designed to lure in drunken sailors and boarding school children. His furry fingers devoid of fingerprints. This is a story of love-lost, drug addiction, northwestern ambivalence and possibly tied to years living in the Portland underground (which is a real thing where they’d trap drunks and press them into servitude).
How did Puddles turn into this wide-eyed coke fiend? Look at his roots…
He started as Donald Duck re purposed by Disney, which kind of shows you that before Nike, Oregon wasn’t getting much respect. At least Sparky the Pedodevil was an original creation Disney made for ASU, even if it is embarrassing. I just want to know why Puddles has gone so far down the wrong path.
I think it’s because he hangs out with the wrong crowd.
The visored impostor! This is who has been drugging and teaching Puddles with an almost Sith-like mind-warp. Once a Disney character, now a drug trafficking deviant who is so jacked up on pain-killers and moonshine, he feels no pain doing thousands of pushups a game (Oregon does score a lot, ironically, not so much people from Oregon). Frankly, I’m not sure Puddles even knows he is at a game at this point. Duck a l’orange would be a better end than the one he has coming.
Somewhere, Prefontaine, the coolest Duck of all time, is totally pissed. He used to smoke with Puddles, but it was in good fun. They listened to Zeppelin records and lit incense. It wasn’t Chip Kelly’s meth lab antics.
But what would you expect from a man I have repeatedly likened to E from Entourage if he just gave up on life and took up professional snacking. The visor is for a battle-hardened man. You sir, are not that.
You think I am kidding that it’s Fat E that’s executing this mind control over Puddles? Proof is in the patch:
Sorry, that’s some fucked up ish right there.
Chip, you are Project Runway and have fostered a culture of players that look like kids that dressed themselves for elementary school. There are no official Duck colors anymore (which doesn’t bother Puddles who is color-blind from all the blow and crying). It is just a fashion show with ugly clothes and a 9-15 bowl record. No Heismans. No National Titles. Losing the big game in ugly clothes. I totally see why DeAnthony Thomas went there…
I know a lot of people were stung that he chose Oregon last minute over USC and he certainly is the fastest guy on the planet. The thing is, he doesn’t get what we here at USC get. We may very well lose this game. DeAnthomy Thomas was probably going to be on defense at USC. He wanted to play in Oregon’s wide open offense and it is working.
Only it isn’t because if he was playing defense at USC, he’d go first round. As it stands, he’ll be what most Oregon stars become: glorified punt returners in the NFL. Sanctions, “bowl bans” and all else that came USC’s way didn’t change the fact that it puts pros into the NFL every year en masse. That said, can’t wait for DeAnthony to run one back for the Browns against the Bengals in a game played before I’ve woken up a year before he moves to Eugene and makes his living holding youth football camps. That said, none of that will stop him on Saturday. He will probably go big unless he pulls an Oregon and cracks under the pressure of proving himself to a school who he spurned. DeSean Jackson could write a book about it.
Real quick. You can’t just get the nickname Black Mamba from Snoop. Snoop is stoned. Kobe stole it from Kill Bill. Now Snoop steals from Kobe to give to a college kid? You don’t get to have this nickname. Sorry. You can be Puddle Jumper.
That said, let’s get down to brass tacks. Oregon is hard to stop and I don’t much believe in the transitive property of football. We beat Washington better than Oregon did. Oregon killed Stanford and we fought them tooth and nail. We’re better than last year and many feel Oregon is worse (including LSU, yeesh).
None of it matters. It will take a monster effort, a few good bounces and a Puddles overdose for us to pull off an upset in Autzen. But relish this time. USC’s resurgence is seemingly on the fast track. It might be a long time before we are an underdog 3x in a season. Enjoy it! And for goodness sake don’t storm the field for any reason, even to use a defibrillator on Puddles in cardiac arrest.
This will be our hardest test of the year. We have already won the arrogant battle, but let’s be honest, when you change your uniform every week and the O on your helmet represents the amount of big games, heismans and titles you’ve one (credit one of my readers for that), arrogance isn’t really on the radar.
Oregon could win this game, but for what purpose? To lose a bowl game? That’s the thing. USC is coming back into prominence. Oregon, supposedly, is there. But when we’re on top, we win the games. We blank a #1 ranked Auburn on the road with a quarterback who’s never taken a real snap. We win our Rose Bowls. We hand Arkansas their worst home loss and their worst ever loss. We kill giants when we are a giant.
We’re on our way to being back. The question is, what has Oregon done with their time at the top besides try on 1,000 outfits? That’s for Fat E to answer to.
I will never pick against USC and this is my belief we win a shootout when Puddles mistakes the new “Hyper White” Oregon outfit for a White China and mistakenly tackles Black Mamba on his way into the endzone saving the game.
WHITE OUT. Period.