Arrogant Game Preview: UCLA Bruins

Here it is.  The final AGP of the season.  I realize there are a lot of new faces here to the blog by way of the Oregon post that went viral.  Welcome, you will catch on quickly (or just read back and enjoy the season in reverse like you ride some wild time machine bronco from the future).

The Ducks continue to pepper the comment thread with hate comments, so I know the bearfighter has succeeded in his mission.  Nothing screams “upset” like screaming that you are “not upset” like 100 hours after the game.  If you are tired of Angry Birds, fucking Fruit Ninja or whatever the hell else you do on your iOS or desktop, I recommend commenting on that Oregon post and watching the ducks squirm.

Remember, slice the duck fat and place in a scolding hot pan, skin side down so the skin is crispy and you don’t take shit from a judge on Chopped.  They’re ruthless.

I write to you on the day before Thanksgiving, a special day for the bearfighter where I travel to the desert where my wife is from, run miles into a canyon flooded with mountain runoff and then return home to smoke cigars, eat live lobsters because it’s funny and then if I haven’t passed out from all the bourbon, I eat some turkey and chase a javelina through the streets.

That said, I pop my bottle of Dom Ruinart and drink from the bottle as I present you your final AGP for 2011.

This week, we play the bastion of all that is wrong with being a man.  The UCLA Bruins, our rivals from the outdoor shopping mall known as Westwood, have decayed into some freakish creature that crawled out of a vat of battery acid and are dancing around a party with their skin melting off.

I don’t think they have any idea how far they have fallen.  I don’t think they understand the loser mentality they have developed. Do you realize that even if they win this game, nothing will change?  Not with their AD and head coach.  Think Dorrell.  That win didn’t do anything.  Systematic changes are needed and I don’t know if it’s possible, even with a shocking upset win on Saturday.

Some Bruins who will for some reason read this are currently preparing to disagree, but the smart Bruin fans I know (yes, there are some) are actually going to completely agree with every damn word I am about to say and while I would gladly reward them with scotch in a friendly cross-town salute, it won’t change the fact that this will be my most arrogant victory of all time.

UCLA is going to take their lumps right now and the wise ones will print it out and tape it to Dan Guerrero’s office door.  Smart and loyal baby bears out there, you know I am true. Let’s first set the stage.

We want you to be better.  That year you beat us and made us win a Rose Bowl instead of a National Title, I thought there was a chance this was going to get special again (and not special like parking in handicapped spots, Cade McNoun, who may be dead?).  It didn’t happen.  I even thought for a minute Neuhisuseslafl was going to bring some of that “I-gamble-and-probably-steal-underwear-from-Victoria’s Secret type swag.  He didn’t. UCLA ruined him.

It’s all a part of what has become a delusional society over there in Westwood.  For years, UCLA students’ response to our football superiority was that they were ranked better in academics and were better in basketball.  I don’t care much about basketball, but I respect their rich history of winning (that they have abandoned and moved into the Sports Arena, which I refer to as our sloppy seconds).

On the academic front, for two years running, the same US News and World Report rankings they have long held over our head have flipped.  USC with it’s monster endowment (we are well endowed) and increasingly smart and diverse student body has surpassed them and given the state of public education and funding in California, if you had to bet 100K on which school is in better shape, where would you put it?

All of that said, we work among Bruins and it is a fine university filled with “nice guys” and “nice girls” who don’t like to look you in the eyes when we talk football, which is what it is time to do, because during the fall, this is a football blog. You ever listen to a UCLA game on the radio or watch it on television?  You ever listen to the way John Ireland talks?  It’s this soccer-dad, wishy-washy, I bet this year we can do it attitude that makes me cringe so much I get sad I have to share the Lakers and Dodgers with these people.  Pete Arbogast sounds like he just made you a million dollars and stole it when USC gets in the endzone.  It’s like he scored… “TOUCHDOWN USC, Robert Woods in the corner of the endzone–how do you do?”

That is some hardcore Keith Jackson, I’ll have an old fashioned right there.

Seriously, listen to UCLA.  They sound excited to be there. So let’s get real.  UCLA with a win can actually go to the Rose Bowl.  They are 6-5, barely bowl eligible.  Thanks to us not being allowed to play in the Championship game because Larry Scott and Mark Emmert killed a stripper in Reno together and have a bond of undying brotherhood that prevents Larry from making sense.

UCLA trying to spin their 6-5 season into their “closing of the gap” is hilarious.  Slick Rick is trying to say that the fact UCLA through mathematical, systematic and social failure is able to possibly play in a title game somehow means that they are “back” to whatever that was to begin with.  If you think I am overstating his incredible stretch of the imagination (which is just to save his job), here’s his actual quote:

“We’ve got a chance to win the championship, that’s closing the gap. We didn’t have that chance in years past.”

Let me break it down like only the Bearfighter can.  UCLA boasting about playing in a Pac 12 Championship with at 6-5 record and USC ineligible is like being the ugly kid who takes his hot sister to prom and bragging about how his date is crazy attractive.  The point is, you can buy it a corsage, you can get it drunk in a limo, but it’s impossible for you to sleep with it.

None of this will matter of course if UCLA loses this game by 8 touchdowns.

Rick continued:

“We’re much closer to them then we were when I first got here. I don’t know that it’s all the way done, we’ll talk after the ball game.”

Are you much closer, Rick?  When you got here, you had beaten us like a year before they canned Karl.  You haven’t beaten us.  Actually, the gap has widened.

USC was sanctioned.  Unfairly sanctioned.  Unfairly in that Penn State has child rape going on in the showers, Oregon/LSU have both been questioned about paying shady recruiting services, half of Miami’s players over the last decade have done cocaine on a sex yacht with a booster who had sideline access, Ohio State hid information about benefits from the NCAA and I am pretty sure Cam Newton took money from no less than three SEC schools (Auburn, Florida and MSU) and NONE of them got what USC got for Reggie Bush taking money from an ex-con who had no relationship with the school.

All of that and you have not closed the gap at all.  USC has had top 5 recruiting classes and sent a grip of kids to the NFL.  Currently, they are a top ten team and they have no bowl to play for.

Rick, blow a line or something, you are delusional.  Even if you win, the gap isn’t closing.  Look at the lifetime series.  You need to win for 15 straight years and THEN talk about the gap closing.  Actually, the gap closing is the opportunity for you to stay coaching at UCLA.

With all of this going on, with a chance to win the Pac 12 South’s bid, you’d think Rick and Dan would be hyper focused on the game.  Instead, they are hyping up UCLA’s new secret uniforms.  Before I explain how stupid this is, let’s just call them out for bastardizing tradition.  Uncle Pete brought back the color to the rivalry with both teams wearing their home jerseys.  Awesome.  So awesome, the NCAA actually changed a rule to not require a forfeited timeout in that scenario.

While Rick pretended to care about tradition while secretly dreaming of putting on their new, definitely hideous uniforms, he said this:

“No one’s told me anything,” he said. “We’re blue and gold as far as I know. I’ve heard the rumor, but I have no indication of that. … I love the home uniforms. I think it’s one of the classic games in college football.”

Right.  What you are saying is you want to somehow use the shock of SC seeing new UCLA jerseys to demoralize the Trojans.  This is just as dumb as my previous analogies.  These rumored “all-white” jerseys will go down as the biggest joke in history because it will make it wildly obvious from all the Cardinal smudge marks and dirt stains exactly how USC beat them to death on television.

Also, Rick.  It’s powder blue.

That said, some of the players were soooooper excited about these new jerseys that will definitively turn the tide, just like how we all were taught in history how the South almost won the Civil War when they showed up at Gettysburg in their alternate “all-olive” uniforms.

Junior CB Aaron Hester had this Project Runway assessment:

“It would give us that extra confidence. You look good, you feel good, you play good. A lot of people around the country think our uniforms look good now but having something different, like an alternate would be nice. I think this is the right time to bring them out.”

Are they worried about a USC team that never gave up the lead on the road in Oregon or Heidi Klum showing up and saying “auf wiedersehen”?

Nike and Adidas act like a drunk hair stylist in Brooklyn when a school lets them mess with their gear.  Did anyone see Michigan’s alternate this year?

Or ND’s new helmet?

I mean, I am just praying that USC doesn’t mess with their jersey, but even if we did, at least we didn’t leak an article to ESPN and take interviews about it.  Somehow, I think we’re focused on how to distribute the TDs.

Look.  Your QB’s name is Prince and he plays about as well as the artist formerly known as that.  Your back-up’s last name sounds like a French cheese that is unpasteurized (it’s Brehaut, I think).  That will only be mildly funny as I am eating charcuterie during the game with French cheese and I’ll buy that salame that has the white rind in honor of your new ugly jerseys and think of how for years and years, you’ve been meat.

There’s only one man who can wear all white and make miracles happen.  Get used to his majestic face because unlike Rick, he ain’t going anywhere.

This may be Barkley’s last bear hunt and he is 5-0 against teams named after bears.  I can teach him no more.  I will make no case for him to stay until after the season, but may I implore you Arrogant Nation to enjoy this game in case it is his last.  Win (probably), Lose (unlikely) or Draw (not possible), he has been a pleasure to watch.  We’ll worry about what’s next after we are all fat from bear tacos.

This marks a sad day for me.  This is effectively the end of the sanctions era.  Yes, we have scholarship restrictions, but the media will make that a footnote.  It doesn’t carry the bravado of the bowl ban.  So I recommend you wear your gear to the game and celebrate.  Arrogant Nation will live on, but this will be our last game in this mindset.

A win and we win the Pac 12 South and Larry Scott looks like a moron.  A win and despite everything, we had a 10 win season.  A win and I can write my final recap of the year, my Barkley post and mosey off into the holidays and do what we all do in that time period:  watch Oregon lose a bowl game.

UCLA, bring your best.  Make this matter for once.  You are playing for a lot and I think we’d all appreciate some help in making this a rivalry.  Hang this in your locker room if you need to.  You’ve given us plenty of bulletin board material over the years from Rick’s hilarious “football monopoly fail” to his recent “gap closing” comments.  You need to win more than once a decade to close a gap.  You get your chance Saturday.

UCLA fans know what I am about to say is true.  Dan and Rick can’t turn the tide.  Maybe someone else can.  A win will just save their jobs and hurt UCLA in the long run.  It won’t bring the recruits. It won’t change much at all.  It will just re-solidify a foundation most Bruins were hoping would crumble.

In NFL terms, it’s kind of how Tebow is fucking the Broncos out of getting Andrew Luck.

I just hope we are the good arrogant, not the sleeping on the field arrogant.  Every Trojan reading this, last week means nothing if we don’t absolutely trash UCLA like the lower-ranked-in-football-and-academics school they are.

(sshhhhhh, don’t tell them that if they rep the South at 6-5, they will probably just get made fun of and Dan Guerrero will build a statue to celebrate or something).

PREDICTION

USC:  However many touchdowns we feel like.
UCLA:  However many touchdowns we let them score (here comes the pistol offense!)

KIFF’S OUTFIT

All white to blend in with UCLA.  Visor glowing in the sun.

IMPORTANT UPDATE.
The LFK store closes on Friday.  We are retiring Bowls are for Salads and You Can’t Sanction the Endzone.  This is your LAST CHANCE to buy them.  I’d do it if you want a piece of Arrogant Nation history.

FRIDAY IS THE END OF THE STORE FOR 2011.  IT WILL BE BACK IN 2012 WITH LFK, Arrogant Nation, and some new stuff.

That is all.  I will see you on the battlefield this weekend.

Knee deep in bear meat,
The Bearfighter

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40 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

40 responses to “Arrogant Game Preview: UCLA Bruins

  1. Arrogant Nation Love.

    Had a friend get on a plane at LAX today to go home for Thanksgiving. It went a little something like this: “If you have a USC sweatshirt on you can board.” She was one of the first on the plane.

  2. SithTrojan

    FTFO and FEBU!

  3. Greg Bergman

    Zack,
    I sat and contemplated whether to read this. I knew it was going to be just a huge bash. And then, you said why would a Bruin fan read this? And i laughed because i just had to…i dont know why?

    And then I read…and read….and read…and did not disagree with anything until the end. Neuhiesel is GONE no matter what…win or lose, bowl or no bowl. The crazy part…if we lose, and Utah and AZ state lose…we go to the Pac-12 championship at 6-6…lose? 6-7 and DON’T go to a bowl game…how bout that!

    I can’t stand the state of UCLA football, it is a travesty, Rick has completely tore this program apart and destroyed it. The talent level is there…the coaching is horrendous. I have watched, sadly, EVERY game of the Neu era…never have I thought, we have a chance this year after the first game of the season. That’s sad. The pistol offense is a gimmick offense that DOES work well in college, but not against good defenses that plays a QB spy. Shut down with a QB that can’t throw. That is UCLA football.

    I like to think I am a level headed UCLA fan. I know how badly this game is going to turn out. HOWEVER, GO Bruins! I root til I die. I’ll watch every play til the last second no matter what the score! U…C….L….A….UCLA FUCK SC! And after UCLA wins…I don’t want to read any whiney reason why…I came to this post with no excuses….leaving with no excuses and will come back after the game with no excuses….I expect the same despite the Arrogancy!

    Final: UCLA 35-pUSC 30

  4. Actually I think Arrogant Nation will need you more than ever in the next few seasons once the scholarship reductions kick in. Either we’ll regress somewhat, in which case we need you to remind us that we’re still winning in arrogance. Or we’ll continue to be awesome, in which case we need you to really rub it in the faces of other schools that we are beating them with fewer players on our team.

    • Zack Jerome

      i have a hard time seeing it being as big a deal as everyone makes it. it’s about smart picks and we’re a young team. i could conceive an off year towards the end of it, but everyone made the world of the transfers, blah, the ban, blah…

      the only way it is awful is if our top recruits aren’t good (baxter).

  5. Trojan, Esq.

    1) As my dad (who isn’t even a Trojan) always said, “Powder blue is a sissy color for a football jersey.”
    2) One may look good, one may feel good, but one plays WELL. I guess mistakes like that happen when you go to a school with inferior academics in addition to inferior football.
    3) Arrogant Nation is not a product of the sanctions era; it merely pushed you to be our voice. Arrogant Nation is merely a synonym for the lifelong glory that is the Trojan Family. As the t-shirt I bought my freshman year said, “At USC, we’re not snobs, we’re just better than you.”

    FTFO on beat the bRuins.

  6. While listening to AM 570 in my undisclosed secret bunker, the traitor and “captain of the worst football team in USC History” Petros Papdakis had an interview with notable LA Times hack Bill Plaschke and former bRuin wide receiver JJ stokes that went something like this…

    Bill Plaschke: JJ…in your honest opinion, do the bruins have a chance to win Saturday?

    JJ: No.

  7. Jp

    Thanks for the season hunter of bears. No letdown in sight, these boys are playing for the future. Fas Regna Trojae!

    8 clap your ass back to mediocrity bru crew. Its our city, FTFO.

  8. mark

    I put money on USC to win by more than 2 touchdowns…. easiest bet i’ve made all year! FIGHT ON USC

  9. The Boys from 644

    Let’s kill all this noise of academic superiority. I do give USC its props for managing to transform itself into a second rate joke of a money sucking institution to a decent place worthy of calling itself a “university” but you idiots have your head up your ass if you think USC is in any way superior to UCLA. Barring the fact that US News rankings have always been suspect, let’s compare rankings from a few other sources: ARWU Rankings USC — 41, UCLA –13 QS Rankings USC– Unlisted, UCLA –34, Washington Monthly USC– 33, UCLA — 4, Forbes USC–165, UCLA–55, I could go on but I think you get the point. You might be superior in football but UCLA will always be academically superior, even with the State of California fucking us in the ass. USC is full of UCLA rejects, don’t worry, you wouldn’t get in either.

    • Zack Jerome

      The only thing suspect were those sources. U mad bro? Also, don’t you have to want to go to ucla to get in?

      • brb

        Not true Zack. In 2000 I applied to UCLA for the sole purpose of getting in and turning them down because all my friends were UCLA fans for no reason (and they couldn’t get in). I got accepted and sent in my rejection stating that I was going to The University of Southern California. Arrogant.

    • Brittain Bush

      Zack,

      I understand that we live in a democracy, but do we have to allow these poor, public school kids to post their inferior opinions on your blog?

    • Csetset

      “let’s compare rankings from a few other sources:”

      Let’s not, because for the last decade, you were using that source. You don’t get to stop using it just because it no longer favors you. But then again, the Bruins would totally do that. Your entire fan-base is classless and dishonorable enough to actually tote the “South Champion Title” even though you’ve won…actually…got, it by default, something Trojans would be embarrassed about. You’re like the dad that would beat his 5 year old kid at a video game just to have an ego boost. Stay classy.

      Also, quit living in the 80’s. Everything about USC and their campus is advancing, where as most of UCLA has stalled. I have not met anyone at USC that didn’t get into UCLA; most just didn’t bother applying actually.

      But the real difference between our student body and your’s is that USC’s student body has been and will forever be more rounded. Your student body is the kind that spends hours doing nothing but reading books. They graduate from the university, get a job and never look back.

      Our student body is just as smart, studies just as hard, but still finds time and energy to do honors research, go to football games, and play a school or intermural sport (I’ve known 10 that did all of the above). And when they graduate (with Honors), they stay Trojans for life and give back to help other people become Trojans.

      This is why I chose USC over UCLA (and yeah, I got into both). This is why my starting position and pay is ridiculous now, because when people see me, they see not just a smart person with a good education, but someone who is articulate, assertive, and innovative (and attractive, of course). This is why businesses hire Trojans, and why you rarely hear about Trojans complaining about the state of the economy.

    • SCchick

      I applied to both and was chosen for a Regents Scholarship at UCLA. I turned it down because I realized that the key thing upon graduation will be alumni connections. Every internship I’d held in high school prior to that point had been (unwittingly) with Trojan alumni. It was clear that Trojans were in all of the highest places where I lived (an affluent suburb in Southern California). So I decided to join the Trojan Family, and I haven’t looked back since! Perhaps UCLA is academically superior (I obviously don’t think so), but I think it says something when you see nothing but Beamers, Benzs and Bentleys with USC alumni plates.

  10. SCtrojan1990

    Rick, blow a line or something, you are delusional.

    -My favorite line of the preview…The only way to deal with consistent losing….cocaine use.

  11. Brittain Bush

    Sultan of Syntax,

    You are right yet again. I always and will always love to beat UCLA. However, their fanbase is so pathetic. Due to their lack of success in the past decade, they hold their heads so low. We are William Wallace and they are Mr. Rogers. And we continue to come into their neighborhood and dominate. I also agree with you on your comments about John Ireland. He’s actually pretty fair, but is no doubt a Bruin. Every time the Trojans seem vulnerable, Ireland dismisses them. And when it comes to the failures of his Bruins, he puts his tail between his legs like a dog after soiling the carpet. I don’t know about anyone else, but as a massive USC fan for my whole life, I have always backed up my Trojans. Even in the 90s. The Paul Hackett years. When we had Sultan McCollough and R. Jay Soward. I loved those teams. I was proud of them and they weren’t that good. But we were arrogant. I was arrogant. And that is what USC football is about.And I’m proud of it. And most of all, I’m excited for our team in the years to come.

  12. Tommy

    With Colorado’s win, UGLY will head to the PXII Championship Game.

    Rumor has it that Neweasel is calling Jostens as we speak to print their rings. The diamonds will be in the shape of an asterisk.

  13. Leo

    “Visor glowing in the sun.” Dude it is a night game. Where’d you go to school?

    • ldytrjn

      The sun always shines on Lane Kiffin. He has a federal order to stay away from beaches at night so as not to create some massive Syfy Movie Of The Week type Tide-pocalypse.

  14. Abraham

    Zack, another great post. My wife was laughing so hard this morning when I had her read the post. Alas, she is not a Trojan. She went to Cal. For us, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I am so stoked that we will be a part of making ineligible for a bowl game. Talk about “closing the gap.” Truth be told, I have enjoyed Ricks “rein” and UCLA. I knew I would enjoy him when he did the monopoly ad.

  15. Kaleb

    Zack,

    How ’bout “USC Pac-12 South Division Champions” t-shirts?

    • Eric

      We’re too good for that at SC. Imagine seeing Lakers Pacific Division Championship shirts. Leave that to the Oregon’s of the world. We hang championship banners and print national championship shirts in L.A. Everyone knows who the real South and Pac-12 champs are. No need for a shirt.

    • Matt

      The best part of the win Saturday was the fact that USC athletics has those shirts made for the team.

  16. thekatman

    As mentioned earlier in one of your posts…. USC AD Pat Haden should give out 2011 South Division Champions rings to this year’s team, but after UCLA gets theirs, so we can see what they’ve created; then create a bigger more Arrogant ring for our boys.

    • ldytrjn

      I wonder how many packages of Cracker Jacks they’ll have to buy in order to get a full set (after accidentally buying 100 boxes of Fiddle Faddle of course)?

  17. Tom

    I need a bright white visor ornament for my tree. Can Arrogant Nation help?

  18. Even my UCLA friends some of whom are actually great people and others and lame dudes with a hatred for USC…. love the way the Trojans have played this year, and how well they’ve managed to beat the NCAA and Larry Scott at their game, by winning out the Pac-12 and making the Pac-12 Championship Game a worthless money losing TV event.

    They even attended the SC games with me, without their UCLA colors, and enjoyed the games. They hated the Bruin games at the Rose Bowl…… they’re glad SC had a great year, Neuheisal is gone, and want Dan Guerrero out as well.

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