If you turn down your television, your console, your iPod and you turn off your AC, you can hear something peculiar in the distance. It’s a tearing sound. It’s a ripping sound. It’s UCLA loyalists shredding their powder blue fan gear.
Actually, they aren’t doing this, but they should be. UCLA is going for a new low. Not a new low for them. Not a new low for Pac 12 football. A new low for football in general.
My post the other day encapsulating the 50-0 execution our Trojans gave the baby bears was considered by many readers to be the most punishing, scathing beat-down UCLA has received via the written word. It marked the highest single day readership of this blog in it’s illustrious history from being recognized by LA Weekly to being CBS’ Most Valuable Sports Blogger this year. I covered everything imaginable about how UCLA prepared wrong, they dressed wrong, they played wrong and they reacted wrong.
That game was like showing up to a test hungover, puking on your test, puking on your professor, trying to explain yourself then puking on your professor again, slipping on your puke and becoming paralyzed, recovering miraculously and learning to walk again, going outside and getting hit by a car the minute you leave the hospital and then everyone you know pukes and goes to the movies pretending it never happened.
All of that led me to predict that UCLA was dead. I expected some Bruin kickback to that, someone to say “the pride is alive!” or something like that, but instead, crickets. Instead, less than two days later we have proof.
Joe Bruin is dead and he will not be missed.
UCLA had written the necessary appeal to the NCAA to petition to get a bowl bid even if it lost the meaningless “Pac 12 Championship” and finished with an ineligible 6-7 record come bowling season.
When the NCAA received this request, they had to have that “are you shitting me?” moment where they know for damn sure they are about to sign someone’s death warrant. “Can UCLA play in a bowl despite being 6-7” has to be up there with classic suggestions like “despite my fear there’s a serial killer in the garage, I am going to go ahead and check it out anyway” and “yeah this sushi has been sitting out since last night, but I’m sure it’s fine to eat”.
Dan Guerrero, the UCLA AD (I know, I was shocked they have one) dropped a quote about this that literally made me want to request USC move to another city so none of this pathetic attitude gets in the water and hurts a Trojan.
“As a program, we appreciate the NCAA approving our petition for a bowl waiver. We will be able to give our 18 seniors one more chance to represent their university and end their collegiate careers on a high note, regardless of the outcome of this Friday’s Pac-12 Championship Game. We’d like to thank the NCAA for considering the unique situation in which we find ourselves this year and rewarding us with this opportunity.”
First off, you thanked the NCAA. Kill yourself now. Second, I know and you know Oregon is going to kill you on Friday, but could anything be more pathetic than basically admitting defeat in a public press statement? Also, does Dan really think playing in a bowl at 6-7 will result in the players “ending their collegiate careers on a high note”? The entire announcing crew of the Pabst Blue Ribbon Schlitz Trucker Hat Bowl, who will be struggling with things to talk about as it is, will spend the entire game talking about how you begged to play this game.
How about just be honest and say you are poor and need the money to front that offer you are putting out to Chris “Chompers” Peteresen up in Idaho. How about that.
This was the single most pathetic thing I have ever seen at the collegiate sports level. I am embarrassed for UCLA fans on a really deep level, because this might be the only situation I ever would turn on USC for. If USC was 6-7 and begged the NCAA for a bowl and released a statement like that, I’d slam Heritage Hall and burn my favorite thing I stole from a sorority (no I won’t say what, but yes I am still proud of it).
It gets worse. The Offensive Coordinator who I will just call Johnson (you need to earn the right for me to recognize your name, Kiff taught me that) had an even worse quote.
“You take away the Pac-12 championship game and we’re 6-6, and you go to a bowl game because you’ve earned the right to go to a bowl game”
Newsflash, bro. We DID have the Pac-12 Championship taken away and we are 10-2. That’s a bowl team. 6-5, I’ll give it to you. Go to a bowl. But you are 6-6. And I haven’t even hit the worst part…
WHEN YOU SAY “TAKE AWAY THE PAC-!@ CHAMPIONSHIP” YOU ARE ADMITTING DEFEAT BEFORE YOU HAVE EVEN FLOWN TO OREGON.
Seriously, UCLA? You are not our rival anymore. I don’t want to be seen with you in public. I’m deleting your number. I’m pretending you aren’t there when you show up at parties. You are dead to me.
And before you say that you don’t care, ask yourself the question… If you weren’t USC’s rival, would ANYONE know if you were alive or dead right now? Us kicking your ass historically the other day was Life Alert and you are the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady.
I need to end this before I catch this virus and start acting like there’s a storm cloud (that rains acid urine) over my head.
If bowls are for salads, then from now on I am calling UCLA the Caesars. That’s because tomorrow they are going to get gutted on national television.
But hey, why not carry your coach off the field.
And this is something I made for you all: