I spent considerable time debating whether or not to cover the Bachelor this season. After all, Ben Flajnik’s sister is one of my wife’s best friends, someone I have known for years. I met Ben years ago at a Christmas party and he’s a good dude. It was already ridiculous when he was a contestant last year. It got freakishly ridiculous when he made the final two. When he got cold-blooded rejected by the semi-Canadian Hey Bear (who thank God fell off the face of the earth), it hit me that Ben might become the Bachelor himself.
How on earth could I do what I do to someone I know and like? Hell, he even tweeted my posts last season and sent them to cast members (so I’ve been told). Can you imagine how happy it makes an asshole like me to know Ames read everything I said about him last year?
I was getting lots of pressure to cover it again, but I had a big year rocking my “day job” of USC posts. Frankly, I kicked some ass this year. But the women in my life (real life and my readers) gave me the full court press.
So I asked for Ben’s permission through his sister. And I got it:
So in fairness, I can only really punk Ben like I’d punk a friend of mine, which is a lot. That said, last year, ZBOW (Zach Braff on Wine) played it pretty damn cool (save a few pirate cut blouses in the tropics) so I suspect most of the really flaming arrows will land in his field of bat-shit crazy suitorettes…
And after watching the premiere, let me say this… I don’t know who Ben chooses, but I am pretty sure I know who he shouldn’t choose.
Let me rephrase that. I am pretty sure if Ben picks anyone besides about 3.5 of them, he may need to commit the ancient samurai ritual of Seppuku and gut himself before his life becomes a slow rollercoaster of Chardonnay-induced psychosis after which he will gladly welcome the sweet embrace of death like those infected people in Alien.
So, as Ben said in his super-Napa intro to Hey Bear, “What I don’t need you to do is pull any punches, that’s what I don’t need you to do”. Check, bro. Let me lace up my gloves. It’s Bachelor season. Time to “find love”. Or drunk girls arguing. Either way.
Good things don’t end unless the end badly. Let me politely disagree. Hey Bear sucked. She might have been a good person. I don’t fucking know. All I know is she always wore midriffs, insisted on making us watch her dance and avoided helicopters at all costs which made me hate her stupid spray tanned face.
The intro made me think that the producers are going to give Ben the orange treatment. They put homeboy in orange shirts and on orange tractors during orange sunsets. Then he showed up at the Bachelor house were Hey Bear banged the Assassin and played the song on the piano they played in Girl Next Door when Emile Hirsch banged Elisha Cuthbert after taking her to prom and making her feel less slutty. (Wasn’t that hilarious that sex made a porn star feel less slutty? AMERICA!)
We got to the mansion and Chris Harrison came out like it was opening day. I loved his first speech. It’s the most sober he will be all year. There’s no dead hookers backstage. There’s no drugs hidden in the seams of his outlandish ties. He’s fresh faced and we get to watch him erode to the point that by the end of the Bachelorette, he’s one foot into rehab.
Onto the girls…
First there was Lindzi, who spells her name like someone who didn’t get much attention as a child. She’s also way too into horses. We’ll call her War Horse. I couldn’t tell if it was the camera angle, the spray tanning or my private shame that a week ago I was covering college football and now I was watching this, but I couldn’t stop focusing on the fact that one of her eyes seemed lower than the other one.
Maybe this was the reason she got dumped in a text message? I don’t know. I think you want to dump someone who rides horses in person because she probably goes back to the stable and feeds the thing peppermints and talks to the animal like it cares. I feel like that’d be fun to watch.
Next up was Amber, the hunter with fake boobs who explained she wanted to invite Ben home to Nebraska for some “Beef Nuts”. She then explained “beef nuts” are “cow balls”. I mean, I don’t know whether to blame her or all of Nebraska. You don’t need a nickname for a nickname. I mean “balls” aren’t the medical term. At least in Colorado they call them Rocky Mountain Oysters. But yeah, Amber. Thanks for clarifying. Let me clarify. I am going to call you Beef Nuts for the rest of the season. Please don’t shoot me with a fucking crossbow you scary person.
Kacie B. seemed cool. Not ready to pick on her. I mean, she was also sprayed with orange Krylon before getting on camera but she had a nice smile and a nice accent and didn’t make me want to rub a cheese grater on my face, so GOOD LUCK TO HER! I’ll figure out a nickname for her when she eventually drinks too much and fucks up.
Next up was Courtney the model, who was a total pain in the ass from the get go. If you live in LA, these people are a dime a dozen and they all have crazy issues. That’s why I am calling her Swimsuit Issues. She’s like a younger Michelle Money, except she was in the Caesar’s Palace commercial where the dude locks himself out of his room and Michelle just had sex with Carlos Boozer when he was on the Utah Jazz. Dream big, girls.
The next girl was cute and had to raise her 4 siblings because her family sucks so she’s on the INCREDIBLY SHORT LIST of keepers.
Next was Lyndsie, who took over from War Horse for the lead in the “worst way to spell a common name contest”. This girls scared me a lot. Like, I made my wife turn on the lights. We watch this show in the dark so my neighbors have no proof I watch. That and I’m fighting a wicked flu or something and this girl’s switching dialects and crazy butt chin were making me see pink elephants. I am just going to call her Fabiolette, because she looks like a female Fabio, or just a skinny Fabio. Either way.
Next up, Scary Bradshaw. The crackshots at ABC ripped off the Sex and the City theme and stuck this head case blogger on the scene. I google’d her blog. It looked like she just put it up. Kind of like I now have to put up with her. Her calling herself a blogger made me want to smash my laptop and run my fingers through a meat slicer at Canter’s. If she blogs, I need to come up with a new name for what this is.
Next up was Leanne Grimes, a girl that will definitely use her cute kid as ammo to get Ben to like her and slowly the producers will figure out which of her eight hair colors will win the war on her head. I know we’re all looking forward to it.
Another Nicki showed up wearing orange and she is a dental hygienist which was totally because after Hey Bear, Ben needs to cross a few people in the dental field off his list for revenge. That said, she was cute and had the good Texas accent, not the bad one. You know what I mean if you know people from Texas. There’s two. The good one and the one that makes you want to drown yourself in a public toilet.
Before the girls showed up, Ben and Chris Harrison had a sit down to discuss where he was at emotionally. ZBOW played it cool and Chris kept nodding quickly because he was getting antsy to go into his private room and start doing drugs. Being in the mansion does bad things to this man. He was like “yeah, yeah, Ben, heartbreak, heartbreak, yeah, yeah, do you have a c-note I can roll up?” I started getting pumped up.
Rachel came out in a red gown and there was something off with her teeth. She can be The Girl With The Dragon Tattooth.
Then Cleavage Lawyer came in and told a dumb joke and Ben made me laugh when she walked away and he deadpanned “that was funny” in a “I’m going to kill myself” sort of way. I have high hopes for much more of this as he begins making out with these people.
Then there was Canadian Bacon, Bad Dress Personal Trainer and then Scary Bradshaw came out and got so awkward I developed a stomach ache. You know bad things are coming when they play the “creepy Bachelor theme”. This began a long string of creepiness from Scary where she over-analyzed everything all night. I swear to God she was planted by the producers.
Swimsuit Issues came out and immediately made it to the fantasy suite because Ben was all “that is a pretttty girl” and the rest of America said the same thing. The Bachelor provides you the luxury of keeping an egomaniac like this until the final 3 for some kind of possibly-illegal sexual test drive. Congrats Swimsuit, you’ll be riding in a lot of helicopters.
Next was a disease doctor or something like that. She had good game making him Purell and Binaca before kissing. She had kind of bad skin and later rapped about infectious diseases, so I’m going to call her Outbreak. Also ran: Proactiv and Contagion. Still, she seems alright and her rapping was better than Serial Kasey’s singing from the Muppet years.
WTF with Miss Pacific Palisades? Eff off.
Then a girl with a mesh dress. Then Beef Nuts pulled some dumb love at first sight thing. Then a psycho with a huge ass hat came out and asked Ben what Kentucky was known for. I was like Bourbon and Baseball Bats. Ben said Bourbon and I gave him cosmic knuckles for getting it right. But she was like, HOT GIRLS AND HORSES. I’m just calling her Hat Shit Crazy.
Then there was some crazy skinny girl that I couldn’t pay attention to, I just wanted her to eat something. I was actually for real worried about her. When the damn model weighs 20 pounds more than you, you are probably dying soon.
Then a girl brought her Grandma out to block for her, which IS a football reference because she looks just like Julie Taylor from Friday Night Lights, which is her new nickname. She also was accentuating her chest region. Clear eyes, full hearts, big boobs.
Nicki dental hygienist was a knockout in her yellow dress. Final 3. Calling it. I just felt bad for Ben who was struggling not to look down her shirt. I mean like, it looked physically difficult like carrying a couch up the stairs or passing a kidney stone.
Then Gigglepuss McCandytaster came out. Whatever.
One girls just blew past ZBOW and that game might have been cool if I believed she actually was smart enough to figure out the guy waiting outside the mansion in a suit was the Bachelor. For all I know she just was cold.
Leanne Grimes wore her prom dress which was a bad call for taste, but a good call for letting Ben know what 75% of you looks like naked. Like a test drive or something. Still, she could be a shady candidate and her kid seems cool, which can really work for you in this messed up game.
War Horse showed up on a horse, which totally worked for her and she looked cute in the horse riding hat. Her eyes lined up this time too. Maybe it was the cough syrup. When she said she rode a horse in, Hat Shit Crazy was like “BITCH”. Loved it.
Looking at the room, it was a TON of people that were like nurses or dentists or nurse-dentists and like 2/3 of them were from the south. ZBOW, what did you ask Harrison to hook you up with?
Look, the first episode is a huge clusterfuck and there’s no way I can cover everything that happened, but here are some observations for your reading pleasure.
Every girl drank wine to not offend Ben. This lead to not enough drunkness except for a few choice shitshows.
Girl With The Dragon Tattooth had a lot of ear piercing stuff going on. What’s the deal? You don’t buy piercings in bulk. You don’t go to Costco and get as many as you can. You sort of just pick and choose. Maybe it was a tragic fishing accident and I owe her an apology.
Blakely (really?) and Purple People Eater (based on her dress color and her general bitchiness) had a little “thing” going on. Note to viewers. Cheap chardonnay causes these two to forget their sexual orientation. Ben, tip for Envolve Wines. Figure out how to manipulate oaky Chardonnays to consistently have this effect and you will start selling cases to fraternities by the truck load.
Was positive that Leanne Grimes was going to come out of her dress when they played soccer. You?
Scary Bradshaw got mindeffed by Purple People Eater (and the chardonnay) and went into a place so crazy I honesty broke into a cold sweat as I was sure she was speaking in tongues and the apocalypse had started. Every time she’d finish a sentence she’d do something so creepy with her lips. Like Will Ferrell as Mugatu in Zoolander in the “foamy latte” scene. Like she couldn’t decide if she needed to sneeze or receive an exorcism.
Of course, Ben was given 3 million dollars to pick her to keep her an extra week (just like Hey Bear and The Mask). Of course, she is a package deal with Purple People Eater and her oddly named potential lifemate Blakely. (Really?) Also, real quick Blakely, what is a VIP Cocktail Waitress? Sounds like a stripper. Sorry. Calling it like it is. Never been at a bar that offered the choice of a cocktail waitress or a VIP cocktail waitress. Or you work somewhere with bottle service and that makes you an awful human being. Either way, let me know.
First impression rose went to War Horse, and after spending 2 hours with the rest of this crew, that seemed reasonable. Crazy potential is high this season and I am sure Ben will enjoy watching it.
The Rose ceremony cut the girl who doesn’t eat, Giggles McCandywhatever, Candian Bacon, Fabiolette and Beef Nuts. And probably other people I never bothered to know were there.
Real quick, before the Rose Ceremony, anyone see Harrison came out with a knife to clink on his glass for a toast? A knife? Who was he stabbing or what was he cutting lines of backstage?
The show is off and running. I am back on the case. I am staying sharp in the football offseason and glad to be back in touch with my Jan-Aug crowd. Sup. Yeah you. You look good.
We’re here to watch ZBOW find love and what better place to watch him find love than on Lost Angeles, home of me, the destroyer of worlds.