Konichiwa, bitches. Bachelor Week Three. I was shocked the world was still going on after the Tim Tebow era ended, so just waking up on Monday was a great feeling. Side note, Tebow: First Virgin Bachelor? Group prayer on group dates? I know you are with me. Who doesn’t want to see Chris Harrison destroy this guy with his charm and class three narcotics?
Anyway, ZBOW (or Tennisless Rafa Nadal) is back on his journey to “find love” and “what better place to find love than in San Francisco” which, like Sonoma, is also his hometown. Ben’s bringing a strong theme of letting these girls know that if they want to land the winemaker, they better love his hometown. Both of them (not including his third hometown, which I am pretty sure is still Tucson).
Ben first met up with his sister, who I am actually friends with by way of my wife. They are very much twinzies even though biologically, they are not twins. I was riding in a car to a wedding in Sonoma once with Julia and she gave me no spoilers about the show, so she is a pretty good sister or Chris Harrison stole a vial of her blood and put a voodoo curse on her. Either way, America can agree it’s a good looking family.
They got together to have some iced coffee or iced tea on a San Francisco day at a San Francisco coffee shop and everything was super San Franciscoish. I was surprised they weren’t listening to def poetry and eating cioppino out of a sourdough bowl. Really though, we found out the purpose of Ben needing to see Julia before his first one on one date when he met Emily on the dock with the first truly awkward “excited to see you running introduction” of the season.
Ben was wearing a Lululemon sweatshirt, which I can only assume is why he hung with Julia before the date. You know, to borrow her women’s sweatshirt. My man Ben definitely borrowed a few of her blouses back on Hey Bear’s season. He was the original pirate of the Caribbean on a few of those episodes. I mean, it had to be a women’s sweatshirt. I didn’t know Lululemon came in “man”. That sentence sounded sexual. You’re welcome.
So, what do you do in a women’s sweatshirt with a Contagion (the disease expert) who is afraid of heights. Oh, yeah. Let’s have her walk up the fucking Bay Bridge with just two clamps. THANK YOU, BEN. Finally we’re doing some Bachelor shit. Hey Bear’s season was such a boring traipse through random Asian street market to random Asian street market, nearly void of all helicopters. It was so refreshing that Ben took my blog’s advice and decided the best thing to do with a house full of crazy women who are not allowed to eat (see Chantal O.) unless they eat wine or vodka and are kept awake 24 hours a day with cameras on them is to make the participate in extreme sports.
This was the beginning of Ben fulfilling my hopes for him as a Bachelor. Helicopters, base jumping, keeping it extreme. The way Chris Harrison intended it when he invented this show after doing LSD for 3 weeks on a beach in Thailand with a couple monks that also create amazing artisinal salt dishes (a must for aspiring home chefs).
So Contagion started looking a lot hotter on this date. Isn’t it weird when work boots and a hard hat make a girl look good? It speaks to how the stylists on this show are just there to mess with people (especially Candy Striping Hooker whose earrings each week set new length and tackiness records).
Anyway, Contagion start panicking halfway up this completely buckwild test, and then Ben makes out with her because that’s what you do when you are way up in the air above a busy freeway being circled by helicopters and you are the Bachelor. It’s text book. By the way, how good are the fucking helicopter camera dudes? Every single shot in this sequence was perfectly in focus, but the background was flying by faster than Chris Harrison on the back of a dirt bike after that time he killed a whole village of terrorists for their heroin supply.
By they time the got to dinner, ZBOW’s lips told the story. He’d been making out with Contagion all night. I knew this because he was wearing more lip gloss than all of my college invite dates combined. Ben didn’t seem into it, but Contagion is smart and good looking so he gave her the rose. And then made out with her.
The sheer amount of making out Ben does really makes me have to analyze the making out to determine who I think wins. Some girls he does an over-abundance of lip-smacking pecks, the kind of kisses you don’t want your friends to see because the next time you go drinking with them they ask you who was the girl in that make out session. Some girls get the open mouth porn star treatment, which doesn’t tell you much really, especially because Google is definitely going to prove Candy Striping Hooker, our “VIP Waitress” has actually done a LOT of porn. In the 80s. Because she’s old.
I loved how Harrison planted the telescope in their room so they could watch the date and the fireworks. This season seems to be all about sleep deprivation, wine drunk (which is more emotional for girls than vodka drunk) and anything that can make them all insecure. It’s like when the cops try to end a hostage situation by blasting bad music at the house until the criminals fucking crack like eggs.
The group date was amazing. Ben basically just said put on some bikinis, it’s summer, then made these girls ski in their underwear down a busy SF street. I got to know all the contestants better, including Kacie B. (my fav) who skiied butt first down the hill. By the way, get used to calling her Butt First.
So how does this show afford to make an SF street a ski run? They let Honda pay. The product placement was at its worst last night with the explanation of the Nav having “wallpaper” and then the media buy of CR-V commercials about independent women who won’t get married until they’ve handled their leaplist. Having worked in advertising so long, I can picture this conversation between the media company and ABC and being truly honest, I would have beaten the hell out of everyone in the room. Come on media company. Nothing screams “independent woman” like being forced to ski half naked on national TV for a one in fifteen chance of getting engaged to a person who will probably not go through with marrying you.
But yeah, totally get the product placement…
So, earlier this week I was chatting with ZBOW on Twitter about after this season coming up there and probably apologizing to his fiance (assuming he has one) about calling her some combination of needy, drunk, stupid, vain, anorexic and/or insecure and going out to watch some baseball and drink.
So Ben agreed to Tonga, it’s the coolest bar on earth and a must in SF (Anthony Bourdain and his 90s earring and Chris Costantino agree). I was feeling pretty good until I realized Ben took ALL THESE BITCHES to Tonga. WTF Ben? I thought I was special. We were going to rent a two person bike and maybe pick a fight with some homeless people after I drank too many Singapore Slings. But now I know it’s just your spot. My wife had to bake me cookies and buy me flowers before I got over it. I thought I was special, brah.
I’m just effing with you, bud. Tonga is a great place to go, especially on the Bachelor because it seems like you are drinking fruit juice but then you suddenly can’t walk and it starts raining INSIDE the bar and then a barge floats out and Girl From Ipanema starts playing. Then you throw up at 3am and find yourself eating sourdough bread on a random corner in Russian Hill judging business people in turtlenecks coming out of coffee shops.
Back up in the room, Friday Night Lights got the next one on one date and with it, a really ugly necklace in the shape of a key. This girl needs some help. Her hair is the worst since the Muppet (Ali) and she wears foundation that is literally two shades paler than her skin. NOTE TO CONTESTANTS. WHEN YOU SPRAY TAN, CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR MAKE UP. She looked like an actor in a Shakespeare adapted movie who suddenly “falls ill” and then dies of something like “consumption”. If she didn’t up and quit the show like a crazy person, I’d have changed her name to like Oregon Trail, because her make up looks like she was gonna fall ill to a disease from that game. (Side note, you could only carry less than one buffalo’s worth of meat in the game, so why did we always shoot like ten of them and then waste ten bullets seeing if we could hit a rabbit. Damn, Oregon Trail was the scotch).
Real quick. Friday Night Lights was like a funhouse mirror. She looked out of shape when she sits and when she stands she looks like a supermodel. I quickly did a pH test of my water to make sure my wife hadn’t poisoned me and I was hallucinating. I’m still here, so it wasn’t a mistake.
So, Ben didn’t seem to give a shit and instead gave the date to War Horse and her totally confusing head that looks like Picasso painted it. Every time I see her an eye is in a different place or her teeth are at a different angle. She looks good and all, I’m just mad confused.
So they went on a Trolley (only it wasn’t because it was a bus made to look like a trolley), they got some ice cream and then went to city hall where they were ambushed by a band I had never heard of (I think his name was Mike Macadoodler) playing a song I’d never heard of (and never will again) and then they danced and did some porn kisses. I felt so bad for this musician’s family who all gathered around the TV for his “big break”. It was like watching an old man eat alone at a dirty diner. That’s how this guy made me feel.
Then, Ben took War Horse to a piano store to play the one song he knows, that David Gray song again. Twice already. I totally dig how this move must be his go to. He brings girls to a piano and drops some 2005 David Gray and then it’s GO TIME. In fairness to Ben, maybe he knows how to play more songs, but when Chris Harrison was given 50,000 dollars to spend on some song licensing for Ben, he spent 5K on David Gray and 45K on White China (that’s cocaine for you nice people out there). Ben, you’ll have to tell me sometime when we’re at Tonga (yes, I’ve forgiven you and really, tiki drinks are amazing when you don’t want bourbon).
So, the big curve ball was the return of the Undertaker from Chico. Holy shit. One, she looks crazy good still. Girl needs a new job. Two, I have never seen so many girls get so damn insecure so fast. It was like being at the beach and Brooklyn Decker shows up. Swimsuit Issues, who everyone hopes starves herself to death, was rocking out at the cocktail party. She was putting chicks down and making people hate her. She went out with Ben and he grabbed her face and made out with her after she did a bunch of overbite-baby-talk, proving once and for all that if you are hot, you don’t need to play hard to get. Pretty much, you just can play get. Ben is all in on this girl no matter what she says. Now, maybe they edit the show to create a villain and she is cool, but they are giving her the Michelle Money treatment for real.
Now, being that she is a model/actress/dancer/whatever from fucking Santa Monica, I knew at some point something would make her insecure and then, she’d crack. Enter the Undertaker. This is how the hot girl feels when the new girl is hot too. She said if he picked Undertaker for a rose, she was “out”, only she didn’t do that because she is an actor and does whatever she is told whenever she is told. Like when they said “go on Bachelor and win over Ben”. Boom. You got it.
Everything went to hell. That sad faced girl who I just call Snuffaluffagus (I forget her real name) just cried through the entire cocktail party after that super awkward part where Shawntel got to talk to Ben alone, except everyone was standing directly behind them. Did Chris Harrison drug Undertaker and tell her this was a good idea? I mean, Ben should have picked her. She is top 3 on the show. Maybe they are setting Undertaker up to be the next Bachelorette, which will be cool until her hometown date where we have to have more embalming discussions. Let’s keep it to helicopters and Tahiti, kthxbai.
Shit got so intense at the damn ceremony, girls were so wasted and drunk that literally one girl passed out (it might have been from the fact her dress appeared to be made up of chains, like she’d escaped an insane asylum and immediately qualified for reality television). Snuffaluffagus just kept crying and looking gross. She did have the line of the night when she said something like “on a scale of one to ten I want to throw up”. I’m using that.
On a scale of one to ten, let’s go to dinner.
So, Pass Out, Snuffaluffagus and Undertaker get sent home. Undertaker never gets treated right. Even in a weird ass dress she looked good. Even getting the most insecure hatred from a room full of drunk, tired hungry people, she looked good. Ben, maybe keep her number, yeah?
At the end of the show, Ben announced they were going to Park City, Utah (which will for sure be referred to as his home). Also, during the credits, Pass Out showed Ben her inner lip tattoo that said “amore” which is Italian for “bad decision”. I am so glad she is gone. She’s not even the fun kind of embarrassing drunk. She’s the kind you hopes starts puking so you can lock her in the bathroom and pick it back up in the morning until she pukes again when someone orders eggs benedict and she smells the Hollandaise sauce. Think back to college.
All right. I’m out. Keep it classy when you drink wine. On a scale of one to ten, have a great week.