One of the perks of covering the Bachelor (besides access to Chris Harrison’s black book of drug dealers), is that this season I have access to the Bachelor himself and his unique set of skills (and hometowns). I was going to make some cocktails for some good looking people at my house on Saturday and wanted to make some St. Germain cocktails because I had some in Palm Springs at the Viceroy on New Years while some really not good looking people from San Berdoo were setting up for a wedding and tend to admire drinks that use booze as the mixer with the booze.
So, this cocktail called for champagne or sparkling wine, so who better to ask than ZBOW, who being from Sonoma (and San Francisco and possibly Park City) knows his fucking wine. Tennisless Rafa Nadal was very courteous to respond to me, especially being that he is currently on a reality television show and competing in the Australian Open:
You can almost here him saying “me likey” can’t you? And I bought some Frexinet and got everyone smashed. Victory for me, reality television, ZBOW and the world.
Okay, enough foreplay. Let’s get on the bearskin rug, drink some disgusting oaky Chardonnay and get our Bach on. And what better place to get on the bearskin rug, drink some disgusting oaky Chardonnay and get our Bach on than PARK CITY UTAH!!!
Being an Angeleno, I totally thought for a minute I was watching the Travel Channel because I didn’t know Park City actually existed after Sundance ends. Like, I thought once the people in big puffy coats they get to wear once a year (at Sundance) left, everyone just went back down the hill to Salt Lake City to not drink. And maybe that is true, because outside of the really creepy country music show (we’ll get there), did you see another human this entire episode? Did Chris Harrison murder the townspeople? Honestly, I’ve seen horror movies about deserted mental institutions that featured more humans than this ghost town.
Plus, we’ve gotten to the point of the season where the girls have stopped eating so really each of them counts for half a person, except for The House Mother (the old looking one who later gets kicked off for, well, looking old) and Blakely, who counts for half a person and two silicone dog toys.
So, ZBOW preheated all your ovens by doing “outdoorsy” things like “riding a horse through a stream” and describing the natural beauty of Utah that looked “painted”, which definitely works because whether by choice or by the producers poking these headcases with a cattle prod, each of them was like “Ben looks SO hot on a horse”.
I wish I knew about this show in middle school before I stretched out into the handsome Don Draper sociopath I am now, because I’d have just ridden a horse to school in a tuxedo and when people questioned me I’d slap them and tell them to “trust the process”.
From the beginning of the episode, Kacie B. (who I am now calling Bayen due to how she pronounced Ben’s name 30 times an episode) was made out to look like she is about to crack and start force drowning girls in her tears. Like human waterboarding. She just kept saying that she missed Beyan and it was hard and she didn’t know it would be this hard and that despite the fact there is no way after 3 weeks she’d get another one-on-one (this would be the equivalent of your parents randomly deciding to let you stay up all night on a Tuesday when you were 9 years old and blow lines of Pixy Stix until you started uncontrollably laughing and pissing everywhere), she still expects a one-on-one.
She really begs the question that I ask every single season. Do you fucking girls even watch this show? This is my fourth or fifth season, but like seriously? Each of these girls has been watching the damn show since they went to prom. They know they won’t be one-on-one each week. They know it’s going to be hard. They know they are vying for a dude who is making out with ALL your new friends that you have to live with and compare body parts and alcohol related weight gain against.
But yeah, we didn’t know this would be so hard.
I can’t wait until some contestants on future seasons have read this blog for strategy, because we’ll see some total stars really dominate. I mean, Ben read it last year, which in my egotistical mind is why he shuts girls down when they freak out, makes out with every girl he can and doesn’t shy away from climbing bridges and extreme dates. I know I kind of know the guy, but let’s give him some credit. It’s been four weeks, the house is crazy, he kisses everything with a mouth (sup, Chris Harrison) and none of the girls seem to be getting fat yet.
I did get super depressed at the female experience when Beyan said she was happy just to see Ben picking up his date, even if it was just for a minute. Is this how girls feel about unrequited love? Every girl I ever really had a crush on that it was unrequited I mostly hoped would fall down the stairs when I casually passed by them and at this point, I typically take pride in being married while most of them are in their 30s pretending Sex and the City is still cool. Maybe Kacie B. is just a really great person. A really great person who probably spends 2 hours every morning trying to get her hair straight.
Fuck, this is getting me depressed. When it doesn’t work out, let me go ahead and set you up with one of my cute friends who will probably mess with you, but not on television, so, step in the right direction, yeah?
Date one went to Girl With The Dragon Tattooth and she was super excited, which I could tell because she made weird faces and exposed wrinkles I didn’t think were possible. Something about her screams dumb-coke-induced decisions, like her cartilage and nose piercings. She’s not indie or punk, so I’m just confused. She’s kinda hot and then suddenly I hate myself for saying that because it goes to hell in a handbasket and just when I think I’m crazy, she’s hot again. It’s maddening.
I felt like I got my hetero one-on-one when there was a hard cut to A FUCKING HELICOPTER. I was all YESSSSSS and my wife was looking for divorce papers because only 6 year olds and people who produce the Bachelor get as stoked about helicopters as I do. It’s like peanuts and a hot dog at a ballgame. It’s not the Bachelor until there’s a helicopter and the cheesy ass helicopter theme song (wait for it next week, it’s majestic).
So, Girl With The Dragon Tattooth must have pissed off the editors because her date was more awkward than finding out the prostate exam you just got wasn’t from a doctor, rather a guy who escaped the psych ward and found a labcoat. There was a whole part about how it was hard to not blink in sunlight and then ZBOW won the bet with his buddies back in his hometown (Sonoma or SF, you choose, don’t care) that he could say the word “beaver” on national television. He was talking a beaver dam, but still, even South Park struggles to say that.
They went on a gross canoe ride that was more bug-invested than a tube steak left in the swamp for two weeks. And what better place to find love than on a bug-invested canoe? One a scale from one to ten, let’s get off this fucking boat.
They later had dinner and talked about how Tattooth hates opening up (or has no soul, your choice) and in the end, Ben gave her a rose because she’d be better in a fantasy suite than at least half the girls still left and the worst outcome is a gross date for the fantasy sweet. I mean, this show is essentially your world’s greatest bachelor party. You get to hook up with tons of women and not get in trouble for it, you go to like ten fancy hotels and everything is comped, you get reminded that girls are crazy so settling down with a normal one is desirable and then at the end you don’t even have to pay for the engagement ring. Hell, you even get to test drive the final three! I’m not even sure this is legal!
Also, kissing after eating a s’more? No thanks. Eat some gum and call me. I’m a city guy. But these girls like that because they go see Channing Tatum movies. Also they ate salmon for dinner. Fish breath and marshmellow goo. There’s a reason seafood restaurants have mints at the door and not s’mores.
The group date sucked and I wanted to kill myself a couple of times. There was a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives mini marathon on and I was debating which was harder to watch: a bunch of starved, desperate women pretend they give a fuck about fly fishing or a guy with an awful goatee, bleached hair and a bowling shirt eat himself to an early death. I stuck with the fly fishing because Ben did hook me up with a good wine reco. Suggestion. Out of nowhere, a helicopter should have floated down and shot them all with paintballs. Whoever panics least gets the rose.
Swimsuit Issues kind of dominated the group date and from this point of the episode on, I learned a lot about the world. While I am positive that Chris Harrison planted that fish she caught (I was starting to wonder if Utah had fish at all), Courtney dominated in a big way. She just stole Ben away, which is probably hard for someone that skinny wearing rubber pants in a current and she basically just kept working her voodoo magic on his junk. I really want to take Ben to Santa Monica to a wine bar and show him that is one of a million, not one in a million, but in fairness, she started earning my respect this episode. I’ll get there.
Side note on Swimsuit Issues before I start praising her. Like many actress/model/dancer/whatevers, she doesn’t know how to do her own makeup. She is always the shiniest person on the show, including Ben. It’s because she never has to do it herself. When you see a model in US Weekly who looks like a bag lady with a shiny face, there’s a reason. They never have to dress themselves or do their own makeup. It’s like, here bitch wear this and don’t move while I powder the glowing mask where your face is supposed to be. Sorry, I’ve lived in LA for so long, I have to make these observations.
There definitely was no animal cruelty monitoring because they sure didn’t catch and release that fish. I know fish aren’t animals (wait, are they, I was a film major), but they killed this fucker and I suspect they didn’t just have a quick trout snack. Truth is, Chris Harrison told the airport he needed to bring it home to have it stuffed (because we all know Courtney is winning) as a keep sake. Meanwhile he stuffed it with bags of heroin and flew it back to his drug den in LA.
So, later in the date Kacie B. got some alone time with Ben who is keeping her around in case Swimsuit Issues bails on him (or gets a text from an actor she used to date or something). Luckily, this is all the water the Beyan plant needs.
After that, Sororistitute comes up to Ben demanding a one-on-one date and holy shit she made weird faces. Ben went buckwild on her and it totally pumped me up. He’s a veteran Bachelor and he knows someone not trusting the process when he sees it and ended her journey to find love with an uppercut to the pushup bra.
Cue Swimsuit Issues’ brilliance. She is now my favorite. Ben is all in because she is really good looking. She arbitrarily tells him she is doubting if Ben has feelings for her (compliment fishing AND trout fishing in one day?!) and Ben freaks out because he decided she was it when he saw her, just like Brad did with Emily (who will be the worst Bachelorette ever because she is boring and whispers all the time). Ladies, advice from a guy who calls it like it is. If you tell a guy you aren’t sure how he feels and he DOESN’T make the PLEASE DON’T GO I LOVE YOU face that Ben made at Courtney, leave.
That’s what it looks like. If you have to make excuses, he’s out. Peace. You’re fucked. Sorry. There are other fish in the stream. In Utah. And what better place to be insecure and entrap a man than Utah. On a scale of one to ten, that’s how you fucking claim a rose.
The next date was with Forrest Gump (she literally said “I know what love is”), who totally repelled into a creepy crater in a helmet and a bikini (which is how I chose my wife as well). Ben likes her because she is good at kissing and never complains. This girl is totally friend zone, which Swimsuit Issues pointed out, but surprisingly not in a mean way. Like I said to my wife, I would like this girl to date one of my friends. She isn’t annoying and if we toned her hair back to auburn down from “Chernobyl Red”, she’d be pretty reasonably cute.
Then they got rained on and then went to this creepy gathering of ghost hicks watching a Clay Walker concert in the middle of nowhere. I went to go pee at this point because that’s what country music does to me. Also, Ben. You were arm dancing. Gotta move with that body as I learned prior to my wedding at the 3rd Street Dance Studio where for my wife I danced with a man who taught me how not to look like an 8th grader on the dance floor. Or she was just fucking with me. My wife is cool.
Rose Ceremony time. Cue the IV drips of wine and the sleep deprivation. This time, Contagion cracks and commits the cardinal sin of Bacheloring. You DO NOT shit on another contestant to the Bachelor. Ben even called her out when she tried to throw Courtney under the bus, which didn’t work because Ben wants to throw her under the covers. Didn’t matter, Contagion wants justice in the world, which begs the question of why the hell she is on the Bachelor. Her questionable decision making was obvious though when she let Blakely put highlights in her hair.
Just to be clear, she let Candy Striping Hooker do her hair. Last I checked, we don’t look to strip clubs for hairstyle trends (or earring trends, Jesus Blakely, these things are so long she literally has a bigger suitcase for her earrings than her clothes, which she wears very little of).
Contagion bitches to Random Attractive Blonde about Swimsuit Issues, but it flops because Random Attractive Blonde knows better than to fuck with the alpha bitch of the house. Like Mean Girls, RAB has been partnering with slightly hotter girls her whole life, like some kind of attractive parasite. She knows better. Ironically, the woman who studies diseases doesn’t get this.
Courtney said she wanted to “rip her head off and verbally assault her” which was awesome because it’s fun to see pissed off hot people, but in case you are reading this, verbally assault her before ripping her head off. Severed heads don’t hear anything.
Harrison came in and showed Ben the correct way to wear a skinny tie. Look, I admit to keeping up with GQ and as a business person, I think suits are important to know how to wear. If you got big lapels and a point collar, it makes your micro tie look like a shoelace. Next week, I’m worried my homeboy Ben is gonna come out with some mint dental floss as a tie. Wide collar, thinner lapels, fatter skinny tie. WWDD (what would Draper do?)
In the end, Ben sends House Mother home because she looks all old. Then he says they are going to some random beach in Puerto Rico and Courtney is all “I was just there”. Every girl was like “you bitch”, but that’s fine. They were like that the minute she got there because she is magically both hotter and smarter than the rest of them. This is a one-woman race at this point with Kacie B. there just in case Courtney peaces out to play the girl Clive Owen has sex with in a 2 minute bit part of a film most of us won’t see.
Until then, it’s her game.
Side note, I’ve been getting hundreds of emails from new people finding this blog, which is awesome since I write about sports and bourbon, so this is my fun offseason attack. That said, one group in particular told me they have a Bachelor fantasy league and use this blog for strategic insight, so I’m giving you guys a shout out. So Meredith and the crazy Denver group-bachelor-fantasy-league, what’s up.
If you read this with your friends, let me know or send me a picture with proof. I’ll post it up here. I’m good like that. I’m the Egg McMuffin of bloggers. Or like, the helicopter of bloggers.
See you next week. In the meantime, connect with me at the links below because I am hell with a pen: