I knew something was off the minute Chris Harrison showed up in Vieques, Puerto Rico. The guy was smiling. The guy was doing his job with an enthusiasm I had not seen in my 4.5 seasons of admitting to watching this show. The first and most obvious explanation was that he was on more ecstasy than the crowd at a drum and bass club near the West End of London when you are travelling there during college and someone asks you if you are Irish and you pretend you are so they take you to a party where you alternate between being convinced you are going to murdered for organ farming or be asked to play professional soccer. Not speaking from personal experience, obviously…
So why was Harrison so damn happy? He was super casual in a shirt with buttons on the sleeves so you can keep that casual rolled up look in the same high humidity that had Beyan’s hair looking like she showered and blow-dried with a washing machine and laundromat dryer. Hell, Harrison even went through the longest ever explanation of the one-on-one dates. Hey Chris, I know we’re not the brightest audience because we keep tuning in, but let’s be honest, it’s not fucking cricket. It’s not some dragon game nerds play in a basement with a twelve-sided die. It’s the Bachelor. Make out with ZBOW, tell him you are taking the journey to find love and what better place to find love than in Vieques and then he’s contractually obligated to at least make out with you and compliment you for opening up (both emotionally and sexually).
THAT’S THE GAME, CHRIS. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
Swimsuit Issues came out with a T-zone brighter than the Puerto Rican sun and a shirt she took from an ex-boyfriend that said “Be Nice”. The date card came in Spanish, which might as well have been written in Sanskrit because none of these girls, save Contagion, could probably order at Taco Bell without sounding like white trash. Swimsuit Issues was exempt, because as a model, she has people read for her (and do her makeup clearly).
I mean honestly, look at Paris HilTRON’s face (because she looks like Paris Hilton and a robot procreated) when she was listening to the Spanish date card being read:
She’s totally like “why are the words not making sense in my ears?” She had plenty of time to think about on the date she was not going on. Instead, Mrs. Doubtfire (because she looks like Sally Field) gets to go. Hooray!
Anyone notice the formation the girls were in sun bathing? Like, what are the odds they were not forced to sit that way. This shit is turning into The Hunger Games, but the natural way to convert a spray tan to a tan-tan is to lay in the middle of a pack of rabid wolves waiting to chew off your face.
Fresh off a loss at the Australian Open, ZBOW got right to the neon t-shirt wearing and helicopter riding. Fuck yes. We’re listening to inexpensive stock Latin guitar music as we fly a helicopter around an old fort that used to shoot cannonballs at pirates. It was awesome. Then Ben used the Spanish he learned in Tucson (where he is from) to order some snow cones just in time for it to start pouring everywhere.
Credit to Mrs. Doubtfire. She’s low maintenance. She didn’t seem to care. If Paris HilTRON was on this date, she’d have short circuited. If Swimsuit Issues was on this date, she’d have been naked already anyway so it wouldn’t have mattered. If this had happened to Contagion, she’d have blamed it on Courtney. If that had happened to Chris Harrison, he wouldn’t have noticed because you get really hot when you are on meth.
Ben was awesome in deciding to go all white linen when they decided to shop for clothes. I’d have done the exact same thing. Shit, I do that when I get dragged to Santa Monica. Mrs. Doubtfire, on the other hand, decided to steal a pocket square from a Puerto Rican forest giant and clamp it around her neck.
Enjoyed it when she tried to speak Spanish that was fed to her by the producers. MOOOEY MOOOEY KAL YEE YENT AYE. If you light a candle and say that in front of the mirror three times in the dark on a sleepover, Chris Harrison shows up behind you with a bloody nose.
Then they watched a wedding which was entertaining only because the poor bride’s dress was all effed up. It took five of her fat aunts to get her ass up the stairs without being covered in street grime.
Naturally, this led to conversations with Doubtfire about what happened in her past relationship. She beat around the bush a lot. Let me translate. Homeboy cheated on her. I am tired of girls not getting it. She said something like she wished she had lived with him before, which made it sound like she wanted some additional insight into his living patterns. Not true. If she lived with him, she’d have noticed prior to marriage that “going to the store” means “having sex with people that aren’t you”.
Either way, Doubtfire is okay with me, even if there’s no way she is going to win. It’s the Hunger Games, bitch and she is taking an arrow to the face.
Back at the mansion, Candy Striping Hooker and Let’s Get Physical were arguing over who is getting the Juan-on-Juan (come on, we’re in Puerto Rico and what better place to make a stupid Spanish play of words that VIQUES!). In the end, Let’s Get Physical won it and the chance to show off what being a personal trainer and having a plastic surgeon can do.
The group date was pretty fun. I am a big baseball fan, like Ben, so I enjoyed seeing a bunch of hot, crazy girls wear three-quarter sleeves and butt shorts and go at some hardball like a sorority philanthropy.
Harrison shows up with a bullhorn (which he had been using to dictate the packing of cocaine into plastic bags at his plant in San Juan) and explains that there’s going to be a death match and only half the girls get to go to a sexy beach party.
Two observations. I don’t care if girls everywhere hate Beyan’s hair, she’s cute. Also, how high does Harrison look in this screengrab?
The game was pretty rocking and I was pretty impressed at how well girls from the south can swing. Blakely was a hell of a fielder given the physical disadvantage of having two giant work out balls grafted to her chest. Also, she managed to find a way to turn a baseball shirt into a themed outfit from a strip club. I mean, only she rolled her shirt up. To quote Swimsuit Issues, “who knew strippers could play baseball?”
It was good to see Beyan get competitive. I’d have picked her (as Ben later did on the beach).
In the end, team Contagion and Candy Striping Hooker lost and then they all cried their ass off while a HELICOPTER JUST SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWHERE. ZBOW, you are the man. Thank you. You have brought back the helicopter in the biggest way ever. What better way to stick it to Hey Bear than to bring back helicopters and the integrity of this show (which has no integrity) and demand hot people travel by helicopter in the same way Muppets travel by map. It’s the way it ought to be.
Swimsuit Issues rubbed it in while the blue team kept crying on a bus and really solidifying the eye black as a “bad decision” because by the time they got back to the W, they looked like a bunch of abused coal miners.
On the beach date, Swimsuit Issues calls out Beyan for being 24 and lacking world experience (which is code for sex practice with lots of dudes, especially photographers that tell you they know agents so you can crossover in film). Swimsuit Issues steals ZBOW and basically explains that she has a plan. In true model form, her plan is to get naked, talk in a baby voice, make weird faces and dominate Ben like Djokavic just did in the final of the Australian ocean.
Look, a TON of you readers want to hate on me for admiring Swimsuit Issues. That’s because I don’t believe this show is a journey to find love. I think this show is a journey for Chris Harrison to smuggle narcotics with the smokescreen of wine-drunk insecure people further disoriented by extreme dating and helicopters like some sort of perverted R rated Space Camp. Swimsuit Issues knows this is the Hunger Games and she is picking off chicks from the clocktower with a sniper rifle.
Let’s Get Physical’s date was too damn boring to talk about. I don’t feel bad she gave up her job because somehow I think she can find another physical trainer gig. Hell, Swimsuit Issues said she “could use a personal trainer” when things didn’t work out. Seriously, you don’t appreciate her game? I get the shiny T zone, I get the weird baby talk and mouth shapes, but she dominates Ben. He has no choice. He is totally out of control when he is with her. He cannot fight back because his mind goes to that place a guy’s mind goes when he doesn’t want to get a boner on national television. And I commend him for that quest and plan to ask him his secrets next time I’m in SF.
Other than jumping off a yacht, this date failed. Ben pretty much can’t make a face other than “I hope you choke on the fake food they have in front of us” if he is not feeling it. Which brings me to the night date. What’s up with the dress? It looked normal except for the ghost of her mom’s prom dress crawling up her left arm. Luckily, Ben found the world’s first “capri tuxedo” to make her feel comfortable.
I hate how these girls don’t watch the show. She says “I’m sick of being single” and “Do you have any questions you want to ask about me?”. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU LET’S GET PHYSICAL. The show isn’t called “Insecure Girl in a Weird Dress” it’s called the Bachelor. That means you just ask Ben questions, let him make out with you and blatantly lie that it doesn’t bother you that he is hooking up with literally every human you see all day. That’s the game. Wanna play? Deal with it. Despite being married, into girls and unwilling to wear neon clothes on camera, I am positive I could win the Bachelor.
Know how to beat Courtney? Give her agent 5,000 dollars to call her and say she got offered a role in a new Jonah Hill movie as the girl who dances on a table at a party and Seth Rogen says “she is literally dancing on that table”.
Ben kept his reputation as a cold-blooded executioner on this show when he PICKED UP THE ROSE and then didn’t give it to her. I loved it. Sorry, but that is your punishment for being on this show. Your reward however is a really cool ride in a dingy, some ugly crying on camera and the opportunity to say “I don’t know how this could happen?”
It happened because you are on a dating show…
As she cried, Chris Harrison and Ben made me fucking day by playing David Gray again, squeezing every last drop out of the music license ABC bought. I fully expected them to pan down and show that Ben actually just keeps a boom box ready to play the song whenever he cuts someone and they start ugly crying.
When Let’s Get Physical get cut, the girls tripped out like guys do at the end of Usual Suspects. This triggered Courtney to go into get naked mode. She simply stated something about how Ben might like skinny dipping with a model and how LGP leaving was bittersweet, or bitter for her and sweet for Courtney.
I didn’t know it was possible to see a man sexually assaulted on a television show, but Ben was a deer in the headlights. I mean look at his face:
Game. Set. Nudity.
Real quick, what was up with the need to blur out side boob? What was going on there? That said, I saw enough of Ben’s ass for one lifetime in the internet trailer, so I was willing to not see Courtney naked to not have to see Ben naked (plus, Courtney will be naked in a movie soon enough). Sorry haters, this girl is the best contestant on this show in years purely from a competitive standpoint. She’s the Michael Jordan of reality dating. If I ever meet her, I’ll give her a high five and she will probably respect my shit talking because I am the Michael Jordan of blogging. You’re welcome.
Later there was a conversation designed to get Courtney to fess up about the skinny dipping and I learned how much girls like skinny dipping. Like, damn. It must REALLY feel good as a girl. I mean, I am into it, but it was a consensus. Naked and female in water equals:
Regardless, the girls were way too deep in mojitos and oaky Chardonnay to connect the dots, which depressingly were one inch apart with arrows pointing between them.
Candy Striping Hooker depressed me so damn much. Ben was definitely cutting her ass, but then she admitted to being 33 and old and alone and that she never thought she deserved a nice, normal guy. In the process, she completely ruined strip clubs for me and I have 2 bachelor parties this year. All we all will think about is Blakely wanting to be a girlfriend and not just someone you pay to leave. Like, when did the documentary about exotic dancers invade the show. Damnit. And she’s good at baseball. Morale of the story, strippers are people to and next time one offers you a lap dance, don’t answer. Just say “you are a person and you deserve good things”.
Real quick. Define irony. Swimsuit Issues keeps calling Blakely a stripper, but is the first girl to voluntarily get naked on the show. Hmmm.
Contagion tells Ben she’s over dogging Swimsuit Issues, but the immediately dogs Swimsuit Issues. Ben wanted her to be the first person to find a way to drown due to humidity.
The Rose Ceremony came and he cut Neon Redhead, who seems cool, but got basically waxed because she wasn’t going to win anyway, Blakely earned another week and the producers gave Ben a suitcase of cash probably to keep Contagion one more week to play foil to Courtney.
Then despite Neon Redhead’s good start, she blew it in some of the ugliest crying we’ve seen in years on this show. And then said she didn’t understand. Then in trying NOT to cry, she kept like beeping like a microwave. Ugh. I need to get hired by ABC to give these incoming contestants pointers on how to win. The season would go to hyperspace. I know the producers are out there reading this because I am hot fire with a pen. Consider it. I’ll make it rain all kinds of ugly.
Then, they announced they’d be going to the “most glamorous city in Central America” which to me seemed like “the nicest buffet-style restaurant in Barstow”, but I could be wrong.
Finally it clicked. Chris Harrison was in a good mood because he was going to Panama. He was going to drug smuggling land. No wonder he was giddy like a schoolgirl.
I have never been so excited for next week. Also, wtf happens to Paris HilTRON? It better not be a death in the family because if they film that shit, I’ll be pretty mortified, and I am a bad person.
In my new feature, here’s some reader shout outs. A photo will get you everywhere with me, especially if it has the blog up on your monitor or you make an awesome sign that scores me points with my wife.
So, big love to Abby in Minnesota and her co-workers (notice my blog in the background)!
And of course cheers to Hilary and crew who dressed up as the contestants for their fantasy league!
From left: Bad Dress Personal Trainer, Candy Striping Hooker, Swimsuit Issues, Contagion, The Girl Know One Knows [AKA Jamie, we couldn’t even find a name for her on your blog!], and Forest Gump