Welcome to the Sixth Week of The Hunger Games! May the odds forever be in your favor, unless of course you are Candy Striping Hooker in which case, the odds were stacked against you the moment you thought it was a good idea to devote your life to climbing a silver pole. We’ll get there. In good time, friends.
I was super stoked write from the beginning because in true Muppet fashion, these drunk women traveled by map to Panama City. There’s a reason for it, and for those of you not in the advertising, media or marketing world, I’ll spell it out with you. Panama City gave up half of their Gross National Product to lure Chris Harrison and ABC to film there.
Besides the flyover montage of this “tropical paradise”, I came close to begging my wife to poison my drink and give me death’s sweet embrace by the fifth time in 30 seconds that ZBOW referred to this place as Panama City, Panama. This was because contractually, they want assurances the Bachelor’s “sophisticated” audience (present company excluded of course, we’re all very smart and attractive, yes I will go home with you) knows that Panama City isn’t a spring break destination near Daytona Beach, Florida.
Just in case that was enough, traveling by map was an excuse to show people ON A MAP where this city is. The cherry on the shit burger was when Ben comes in to their suite with his signature “oh haaaaay” surprised-there-are-chicks move and says “Welcome to Panama City, Panama” and then proceeds to say “didn’t realize it was so metropolitan did you?”
Somewhere in a rundown building, the head of Panama’s tourism board nods in approval and his armed guard untie Chris Harrison and send him off with 2 kilos of Bolivian Blow per their agreement. So, the tab’s been picked up and on a scale of one to ten, I hope I see a few drug mules. And what better place to see drug mules that metropolitan Panama City, Panama, which of course, is in Panama, not Florida.
Beyan gets the first date and the nation held their breath to see how Panama City, Panama’s humidity will attack her hair. I don’t care, she’s cute but when she was told to pack three things, I was sad it wasn’t shiny T zone Swimsuit Issues, because I am pretty sure she’d have packed the best 3 things ever. My guess, KY, birth control and cocaine. Just a thought.
ZBOW takes Beyan to a deserted island, which is really jumping the gun in my book. I’m a Bachelor traditionalist. In baseball, I am against the designated hitter. In the Bachelor, I am against going to the deserted beach before the mandatory sex vacation in Bali or Tahiti with the Fantasy Suites. That said, Beyan doesn’t seem like she’s that kind of girl which will make it brutal when she DOES give it up and Ben maybe picks someone else. Hunger Games, bitch. There can be only one.
Ben had to crack open a coconut which was hard to watch for two reasons. Well three. First, he seemed super confused. Second, I bet I’d have done worse and the self-loathing begins. Third, we were subjected to the newest of Bachelor conventions, the mandatory explaining of whatever Ben does is hot. “Seeing Ben cut open a coconut was so hot”. Really? It’s fun, because I hope they remember that. “Listening to Ben describe his colonoscopy was so hot”.
The Bachelor is conditioning these girls to think everything is hot. It won’t be. “Seeing Ben leave the house drunk when the kids are screaming and he realizes he met me on a dating show was so hot”. Sigh.
The night session was mostly about Beyan telling Ben that she had an eating disorder, which made me feel really bad for her because she seems nice enough that this wasn’t a cry for attention. Life was kind of hard I am guessing. Of course now I am spent wondering if the producers will make her eat on camera, which she doesn’t, and now I don’t know how to root. Ug. She gets the rose. Thank goodness.
She did say on a scale of one to wonderful, this date was terrific. I lost a little respect for her because she should have known that made too much sense. She should have said one a scale of one to wonderful, I had an eating disorder.
Back at the hen house, Blakely and The Girl With the Dragon Tattooth are both told they are going to be on a 2 on 1 date (Two on Juan, after all we are in Panama City, Panama). Tattooth gets super competitive and fearful while Blakely doesn’t give a shit and plans to put on her best pair of pumps containing live goldfish to seal the deal.
The next date was in some river and Ben shows up on a big hollowed out tree boat in signature day glow clothing. The girls chirped out their mandatory “seeing Ben in a boat and like landing it on the shore is so hot”. Ben, when you read this, do me a solid. On one of the after the final rose things, rip a fart or something. I need to know if someone will say “Hearing Ben rip that fart and knowing he probably at Indian food was so hot. He’s super cultural”.
Speaking of that, where the hell are the people of other races on this show? Stripper doesn’t count Blakely. When the boat pulled up to a village of kids playing soccer who literally dove like fighter jets off a mini cliff into the muddy river (ABC clearly is down to risk the lives of non contestants. Hunger Games, bitch), I realized that I don’t remember the last time I saw a non-white person on this show. I’ve only watched for 4.5 seasons prior to Ben, but I can’t remember…
Suddenly, the girls are taken to this village and the locals marvel at American technology, namely the breast implant. They are ordered to dress in some local garb made for flat-chested short people, so naturally all of these girls had to keep their modern bikinis on. Except Swimsuit Issues who just got naked and made weird lip shapes.
It’s funny. When there’s something you can’t show on television, you need to rotoscope out every frame. Frame by frame you match up a blurred or black box to the nudity or copyrighted material. So, this amount of nudity was a huge pain in the ass for the editor who had to make Swimsuit Issues TV suitable. Same time, he had to stare at her boobs for probably a day straight. If Ben ends up with her, he should probably beat this guys ass at an unexpected time. That’s the way to fight.
So Ben comes out in a loin cloth and of course the girls say “When Ben came out in that loin cloth, he was so hot”. Seriously? He was hot as a sheep in play in front of children. Hot fishing in rubber pants. Hot almost falling off a horse. Ben, I don’t mean this is a way that should give my wife any fear, but according to this show, every single thing you do is hot. At best, 75% of what I do is irresistible to women. Perhaps when I am in SF in March, if we kick it for some bourbon, you can show me how to turn that addition 25% into pure hotness. Like here’s me fishing.
Was this hot? I’m not compliment fishing (pun intended) I just had the feeling there were a bunch of people nearby wondering who let that city guy fish in our lake? Here’s me with a horse.
Hot? Probably not so much because I am bundled up like a charred marshmellow and wearing a powder blue beanie. The people off to the side were like, I bet that city guy tries to put that horse in a movie. Yet you Ben, you take forty minutes to open a fucking coconut and it’s you’re Channing Tatum stripping at a sweet sixteen party. I knew I should have worn extensions.
So back on the night portion of the date, Jamie (where the fuck have you been hiding) decided to not wear an 80’s Prom Dress for once and then was getting ready to make out with Ben when Swimsuit Issues just shows up and walks around in a hot bikini totally distracting Ben, whose penis has him completely on autopilot. Unless these people are allowed to talk off camera, Ben is not listening to a damn word she is saying, because she isn’t saying anything other than “pay more attention to me or I will offer myself to a casting director”.
I was once on MTV’s Dismissed when I was a freshman at USC (of course I won) and they didn’t let us talk to the girl at all off camera. Maybe this show is different, but I doubt it as once a year someone falls in love with a crew member and gets kicked off. I can only assume the Bachelor would defend his turf more if he was around.
Regardless, Ben has some serious drunk eyes going and he was really digging Swimsuit Issues catatonic pool stomping, and who could blame him when compared with Jamie’s frighteningly too aggressive assertions that she wants to do “things” she can’t do. On this show, you can piss on a waiter and not get kicked off. And what better place to piss on a waiter than Panama City, Panama. Which is in Panama, still not Florida.
Blakely and Tattooth went salsa dancing in a third world bar without air conditioning (so metropolitan, Panama… where were you on that one?). They changed into Halloween costumes. Tattooth dressed as Rio the bird from the animated film Rio. Blakely dressed as Prom Night at Hooter High.
Blakely had an advantage on this date being that she knows how to win men over through dance, which she proved by doing the dip-so-my-face-is-in-his-crotch move every thirty seconds giving me horrible flashbacks to every bachelor party ever.
She should know that this is not the dance move of a wife for so many reasons. That said, I think later we found out that she doesn’t know things she should know. Tattooth shined in her normalcy on this date. She was focused. There was no way she wanted to lose one on one to a stripper in a wife competition. That’s like losing one on one in ping pong to a dude with no arms.
So during the steal-aways from dinner in Awkward Town (a district of Panama City, Panama), Tattooth was like look bro, I dig you, you aren’t gonna marry a hooker and even if you were, you’d get a younger model than Blakely. I don’t know if it’s gonna work out, but seriously? Seriously?
It seemed to work, but when Ben was like “I have no idea what I am going to do”, that probably didn’t make her feel too good. In the back of Ben’s mind, he was thinking about how this is his one chance to keep her around until fantasy suites and sleep with a professional without society judging him. I mean, Blakely clearly knows her way around a fantasy suite being that her place of work has several of them in the back.
The truth is, Blakely blew it hard when she had her alone time. She made a scrap book of her dream life with Ben, which was essentially the creepiest fucking book of quotes and pictures she cut out of a magazine. Ben was out at that point. It made me sad. I wanted to start a rescue for strippers. You know, like Boxer Rescue, Beagle Rescue.
This girl deserves to find love more than anyone. She has never been treated normally by a man in her entire life as evidenced by the fact that she thought this show was her only way at finding normal love. Is that the most depressing thing ever? On a scale of one to ten, I might drink a glass of Drain-O.
Ultimately, Blakely got cut, Ben being a sensitive dude realized all the stuff I just mentioned, and walked her home feeling what truly seemed genuinely remorseful… Until he dropped his catch phrase of “I’ve just gotten so much further with all these other women that you couldn’t catch up” which will now send Blakely into a life of wondering if she had only had more time. People in real life, here’s a lesson. Sack up and dump brutally. It sounds bad, but after the band-aid is ripped off, better they can just say “you know what, I wasn’t for them” and they may even respect you later. Trying to make someone you are leaving like you is like trying to interview for a job while you are getting laid off. I’ve been dumped before (not often, I mean look at me with that horse up there) and I have certainly broken up with my share of women. Retrospectively, the truth shall set you free.
Anyway, Tattooth got shitfaced with the producers because Ben pretty much had to leave the minute he cut Blakely. BTW, she’ll be dancing at Pure Xposure in Raleigh Feb 17th. Don’t google that, pervert. I made it up.
Chris Harrison showed up to steal away Paris HilTRON and the girls said what I have always said “nothing good happens when Chris Harrison shows up”. That was awesome. I started clapping. It was like Batman arriving to beat some ass. Chris seemed annoyed that he had to mindfuck a robot, but he sure did.
He brings her outside and basically says that ABC’s gestapo-like spies have found out she is being mind-controlled by a sex robot named “Michael” from a remote location in Kansas. Her circuits fry at Harrison’s stony questions which make her U-Turn. It was like that scene in A.I. when Haley Joel Osmont gets captured by humans and brought to that flesh circus. This set up the second most depressing moment of the show (only because strippers are people, robots are not).
She basically has to tell Ben she is being mind-controlled remotely by a love sorcerer, but that she WANTS to be in love with Ben because she is trapped and wants a nice normal guy, you know, the kind that owns a vinyard and has up to 10 girlfriends at a time. Ben lays down the hammer like Thor and says “I don’t mince words” and basically “you’re hot, but fuck off”. Then she cries knowing she must return to Kansas where she cannot marry the evil cyborg “Michael” and has given up her chance to marry Ben, who probably wasn’t marrying her anyway because this robot was not programmed for conversation.
I understood why she never talks on camera. It’s because she can’t talk. I felt terrible though. This girl is super good looking. All she needs to do is move to Los Angeles and go to a nice restaurant and wait. She’ll find a man. Here’s some advice for you hot women out there being controlled remotely by love cyborgs like Michael. Find the least attractive man you can stand being with and marry him. He will appreciate you so much for being really hot an unaware of you good qualities that he will give you the emotional security you need. Most guys of that physical appearance are used to being kicked in the junk by the Courtney’s of the world and will just be so glad you are nice and hot that talking isn’t a requirement. #truth
When the girls found out she was gone, it was like-
Onto the rose ceremony… The only thing of true note here was Jamie. What. The. Fuck.
Still pissed she didn’t make out with Ben earlier, she went 0-60 (or 0-50) with Ben in a planned makeout that reminded me of middle school, except instead of kissing another scared middle schooler, I was kissing a scared middle school teacher. She was like “start with your mouth closed, then open” and I realized by the time the scene was over my wife was covering her eyes like it was a bad dream and I had bitten my nails to the point of bleeding.
So… She got cut. Next week, they are off to Belize so Harrison can pick up the drugs he won after the success of the Panama City, Panama dates. The crosshairs are on Swimsuit Issues and she has them pointed back at everyone else in return. We’re getting close to hometown dates. Here. Comes. The. Pain.