Welcome to the Hometown Throwdown. This is the week where anything can change, except in this case where Ben’s junk as been in a voodoo headlock ever since Courtney stepped out of the limo on the first night. That said, there’s a lot up for grabs even if the most talented contestant on this show seems to have it locked up. After all, the winners this week get to go on the FANTASY SUITE DATE in which you ride a helicopter, eat dinner and if you “open up” emotionally, Chris Harrison sends you an envelope filled with a key (not to be confused with the slang for a kilo of cocaine, he sends those too) which opens both the fantasy suite and your legs.
So basically, you are using your family who probably hates that you are on this show to compete for love and are worried that you will get your heart sexually assaulted on national television to try and win the opportunity to film an episode of tier one porn on a three-way vacation that plays more like an episode of Big Love. By the way, tier one is network porn, tier two is softcore porn (Skinamax if you will) and tier three is what your boyfriend/husband has hidden on your home computer.
Not that winning the Bachelor is a good thing (I mean their divorce or break up rate is almost double that of the mean for the United States, which is something like 50 percent anyway), but the fantasy suite date can definitely change the outcome of the show. It’s basically like your test drive and some people who always thought they were sportscar people end up liking dump trucks. A good example was when Jake (Fighter Pilot) was going to pick Tenley but instead picked Vienna (Sausage) because I am pretty sure he was a nerd in high school and never experience a girl who was that desperate in bed. Like a total noob, he married that girl, which no one I know ever did.
Anyway. Let’s Bach.
Date one was with Lindzi Cox, who I already know have asshole parents because when your last name is Cox, you DO NOT spell your daughter’s first name all creative. You go by the book. Instead, what we get a name that immediately puts men at a strip club next to Destiny and Kandy and Sapphire. Sigh.
Let’s get to Lindzi’s date, which was in Ocala, Florida, which on a scale of one to ten, no wonder her parents can afford horses. Let me clarify, you moved to Florida where there are no beaches. Houses are free there. And what better place to find love that central Florida in 90% humidity with no ocean or gulf to jump in. I bet there aren’t any creepy dudes in velour jumpsuits. That’s not the Florida I know.
War Horse rides in on some weird ass horse with a multicolor mane and legs so short used think a fat dude rode it all day. Also, it looks like they finally talked her into extensions, which was more obvious considering the horse’s wild hair looked more natural. I wouldn’t have noticed had she been using makeup that matched her skin tone, but ultimately her neck and face were from different color wheels.
Ben tells her that he doesn’t know much about riding horses, but we all knew that based off the Park City date where a two inch deep stream almost flipped him over the saddle, which of course “was hot”. ZBOW made that look like he was fording the river in Oregon Trail.
ZBOW has been stuck having to keep people believing there’s a chance he doesn’t go for Swimsuit Issues, but Ben is a man of integrity and true grit, therefore he leaves us subtle clues we can fall back on when he stomps on some hearts (which is why I watch the show). In this case, he said there are “moments” when he could see himself ending up with Lindzi. Let’s clarify. There were moments I thought I could picture myself farting in a crowded room of local business leaders. There were moments I could picture myself possessing the ability to fly and eat thunderclouds.
There’s a moment for everything. And there’s the moment you meet Harry Cox.
It all makes sense. Lindzi was a punishment for his parents raising him to like horses and giving him the name Harold. I mean, there’s no cowboy named Harold Cox. That guy fucks up your tax return. Harry Cox might be a cowboy, but the other cowboys piss in his beer, which is why he bought a ranch in fucking Ocala, Florida, had one daughter and hid her from society so that she bonded with horse more than man.
Ben shows up and Harry has an awesome lisp that made me want to drink with him, until he offered Ben Chardonnay, which is the bastard child of the wine world. Ben was like shit. Then it got worse, because he realized he was drinking wine out of kitschy wine glasses made out of mason jars. For a winemaker, this had to be like getting your prostate examined by a guy you aren’t sure is a doctor. I mean, you go to a nice restaurant and the waiter literally wraps a fucking napkin around the wine because it’s hard enough to pour it, let alone drinking it from a mason jar like you are running from lawmen in the 1800s. If I had a helicopter, I’d have come down and saved Ben in a bro kind of way.
Actually, I’d have called him a cab and paid. I don’t go to Ocala, Florida and frankly I am willing to lose my readers there because I am guessing only 1/3 the town has the internet and I am basing this off the fact they drink wine from mason jars.
Her parents aren’t crazy good looking, but even with his lisp, he seems alright, like he won’t get in your business and the worst you’d have to deal with is occasionally having to race him on horseback and carry him around like Caesar when you lose. Also, you’d have to deal with her weird make up issues, but maybe they fix that. The good news is she kind of looked hot in the horse helmet and I picture a weird fantasy suite thing where she’s got that on and has the whip and Ben repeats “there are moments where I can picture being with him”.
Long story short, War Horse has only had one serious boyfriend, he dumped her via text and she’s alright. In the end, she probably only had one boyfriend because on a scale of one to ten, who the fuck knows how to find Ocala, Florida?
Date two had disaster written all over it. It was the feeling you get when a “can’t miss” prospect in baseball gets called up to the big leagues and fails. No. This was more like that prospect tears his rotator cuff and his ACL in his first appearance and then gets caught doing blow with a stripper that turns out to be a man. Actually, that’s East Bound and Down. So yeah. This date was like East Bound and Down without the comedy.
Beyan invites Ben to a football field and does some baton twiriling, which was cute in Sonoma, but now started freaking me out a little because to War Horse’s credit, I kind of get the horse obsession because at least they are living beings and any time they race you are allowed to wear stupid huge hats and drink bourbon until the stupid huge hats actually look sexy on girls. I mean, bringing back the baton? Band camp.
That said, there was a moment where all seemed good because this football field was named after her grandpa and that usually means that the family kicked ass at war or business or football, all cool things to kick ass on. But then Beyan starts telling stories about love and Ben had that look he gets when he’s not drunk enough to give a shit or when “you aren’t Courtney”.
They dressed Beyan in a blouse thing that looked like her dad’s oversized polo and the theme of this date was that she is a child and super oppressed. She warns ZBOW that her parents really fucking suck early on, basically saying it’s the Bible belt and her dad is some kind of government anti-fun cop. Ben seems super excited…
They get to her house and her dad was straight up Chris Cooper in American Beauty, the kind of guy who collects Nazi china and might try to molest you in the garage. They ate a super uncomfortable dinner that made me feel like there were ants chewing on my eyeballs and that still seemed better than actually being at the dinner. The worst part was the producers and editors weren’t trying to make it seem that bad. It just was. You could cut her dad 20 ways and he’d still be a prick.
Beyan goes to chat aside with her sister and suddenly, you saw the high school girl. She’s 24, cute and nice, and her conversation with her sister (who was too afraid to comment) was all about how she could do what she wants now that she is an adult and that she is in love and then “I’m Every Woman” started playing on the radio and her sister smashes the boombox because their Dad “might hear”. I mean, when Kacie said her sister knows her way better than her parents lets you know they have been acting like prohibition rum runners hiding shit from them. That said, maybe it means she’s dangerous in bed? I’m sorry hometowns aren’t about families, they are about who is locked into a mandatory sex vacation with Ben the next week. That’s the name of the game.
It was around this time where the shit hit the fan. First, both Ben and Beyan’s hair totally got a case of the humidities. Their kids would be Chia Pets. Cha-cha-cha-chia.
Ben talks to Kacie’s dad and he is basically like “dump her now” because he doesn’t want her to get hurt unless it is him chaining her to her bed and making her practice baton twirling. It got mad awkward balls because Ben was doing his “I’m on the fence” thing and he was like “get off the fence and go back to California” kind of thing. In fact, he later tells Kacie that he doesn’t want her moving to California and if she does she better not move in with him. I wanted to know if Mom and Dad slept in separate beds. I just have a feeling they do.
They definitely think when you move to San Francisco you basically start liking people of the same sex, turn into a Democrat and a Vegan and try to “bring down America”. Really, you just eat a lot of cioppino and sourdough, complain about how cold it is and marvel at the sheer amount of coffee shops that aren’t Starbucks. It’s a great town. Nothing to be a afraid of.
The good news was despite the “mom cut”, which every mother but Courtney’s hot mess matriarch rocked, Beyan’s mother had a pretty face. It was ruined however by the fact she basically put a mental chastity belt on her daughter and said she “watches the show” and knows that Kacie will have to move to SF, which pisses her off. Look, I’ve never had a great Tennesse Pinot Noir, so that’s where the grapes are, bitch. Let ZBOW make wine and sleep with your daughter. The show was fun and games until your daughter was a contestant, wasn’t it. It was all good until they called “Primrose Everdeen”.
Guess what, Kacie’s mom? HUNGER GAMES, BITCH.
Kacie knew it was over when Ben left, which made it even more sad she kept smiling until the end… She’s a great fixer-upper for a nice dude out there. You just have to get her the fuck out of Tennessee (like Coach Lane Kiffin, bless his name) and then make her watch 1980’s teen in rebellion films until she gets over it. I still love you, Beyan.
Next date was in good ole Fort Worth, Texas just down the way from my old home of Dallas (it was only 3 years and the Cowboys were winning at the time, it was like a drug). Sally Field showed up for her date in some hip accentuating pants and a deconstructed disco ball for a top. They bought some boots and cowboy shit, which actually happens in Texas (I got to California in 7th grade and have been holding onto a palm tree for dear life ever since, although Austin is pretty badass).
Sally Field easily won the hometown date. Her Texas was a good Texas. Her family, even if divorced, seemed really functional and her mother’s face still held up well (the rest not so much). The best part was that her dad was like Tom Hanks, which was so Kevin Bacon because Sally Field was Tom Hanks’ mother in Forrest Gump. Well, more a Tom Hanks vibe than look. The dad was so cool and nice, I was pretty much not going to say anything bad. Nikki told Ben she loved him, which she will soon regret, but not as much as the frozen sex in Switzerland. She looked pretty once she took off the disco ball and Ben clearly had some “moments where marrying Nikki didn’t feel like a life of death”.
Speaking of a life of death…
I’m sorry Beyan. I love you to death, but loving you would probably result in death. You called it the Bible Belt. I agree with Ben that it is the Bourbon Belt, both because they make my favorite libation there and because you need to drink a lot of it to deal with people like Beyan’s dad.
Onto Scottsdale, Arizona where I have tons of new family because my wife is from Tucson. So is Ben, but despite being in Arizona, it never came up. I like California too Ben, but repping Zona is a good idea. There are saguaros there and those are pretty awesome. Every year they fall and kill people posing for pictures and based on Twitter, seems like most of America hoped Swimsuit Issues would pose for a picture under an unstable Saguaro.
We got to Courtney’s house (desert chic) and she baby-lipped something like her dad calls it the casa of the pearls or some shit that leads to having a daughter decide to be model. As a winemaker, this family was the perfect fit I think, as they have been keeping winemakers in business for a long time. Immediately, I forgave Courtney for all the crazy baby talk and weird mouth things she does, because her mother does all the same shit and when you are trained to do something since birth, it’s really hard to shift gears. Just ask Kacie B. That said, holy shit. Watching the two of them talk about her falling in love made me feel like I was watching Baby Geniuses or an E*Trade commercial where the babies talk like adults. It was messed up.
Here’s the good news, Courtney got her mom’s nose. The bad news? Her sister got her dad’s…
Speaking of her dad, this is the top reason to marry Swimsuit Issues. I know all of you screaming bloody murder about Courtney won’t like this, just like a lot of you don’t like that I think she is the Michael Jordan of Bachelor contestants, but her dad laid out the VERY LOW BAR for what he expects out of marriage. He even delivered the message with Ocean’s Eleven always-bet-on-black swagger. He said something like “marriage is the greatest gamble a man can take and the odds are 50-50 so are you ready to roll the dice, bro”. That is amazing.
For most father-in-laws, you basically try to hold the little shit marrying your daughter to a higher standard than say, your drinking buddies. They want you to have good intentions, love your daughter and be ready to stick to it even when she decides working out sucks, sweatpants are the new cocktail dress and sex is a birthday present. Not Swimsuit Issues’ daddy. To marry his daughter, you just have to be ready to bet that it has a 1 in 2 chance of succeeding. And if it doesn’t work, well, that was just as likely. Wow. Ben, this is your dream come true and I honestly am so happy for you because now I know you can totally screw this thing up and neither her dad (or America judging by twitter) will blame you. Risk free scenario. Loving how you play this game.
For the rest of you out there, yes it’s true 1 in 2 weddings are followed by a divorce, but it isn’t a 50/50 gamble. If you have the right information going in, you can tip the odds. Sure, anything can happen, but right meow most of the country feels confident that the bar with Swimsuit Issues is lower. 20/80? I don’t know. Basically, Ben will be the nicest guy she is ever with and will take zero blame if it doesn’t work like 97% of Bachelor relationships. Thanks for the free sex and plane tickets though! Loving it.
Courtney takes Ben out to a field where she wants to get married, and whodathunkit!, there’s a wedding set up. This was proof that hotness overrides everything. Any other girl does this to a guy and you’d think she was bat shit eat mayonnaise from the jar with a spoon crazy. Courtney? She’s opening up. She compliment fishes him into writing some pretty good vows and then her vows she apparently lifted from Sex and the City, which made sense because they seemed beyond her repertoire of “winning” and “kill shot” and shit like that.
Rose ceremony comes and Chris Harrison finally shows up. I missed him. I hate the lack of Chris and helicopters in the hometowns. Ben had a great suit going, I was impressed, but the tie clip was a bad call. Not in generate, but a big ass one placed too high with a big “B” on it in gold was what J-Lo would have worn. Ben, since I kind of know you, I have to help you out with this one because unlike other contestants, I am pulling for you in life (Emily Maynard already has a nickname, I no longer feel bad for her for her lost fiance because she volunteered to go back on the Bachelor and the gloves are off). Here’s a sick look with a tie clip.
And Jake is a huge tool, but with tie clips, less is more. They exist so you DON’T need to think about your tie. It’s like, tie’s locked down. Thin, silver, locked up. Also, pocket square? If you do, straight line, like Draper would do. No poofy thing or triangle. Straight line. Bourbon. Lazers. Bears. Just in case they make you wear one in the future. I wouldn’t steer you wrong. You wouldn’t steer me wrong with wine either. Good looking out. Glad we did this.
The rose ceremony seemed fine. Even when Ben did the right thing (even though I liked her) and cut Beyan and her oppressive family, Beyan seemed to take it well. She was sweet. He was like “oh, I’m super sorry” she’s like “don’t be sorry” and he’s like “oh, I feel all bad” she’s like “I don’t want you to feel bad”, which is how you hope a wife feels. That said, Ben’s probably hear to have a good time. The cameras aren’t showing the Storm Horse. They aren’t showing the fact he is treating this like a Ponzi. I love it.
What didn’t I love?
Beyan in the limo. Ben, hope you were drinking bud. The best part of every break up I’ve been involved with is that I haven’t had to see the other person afterwards. Doesn’t matter who dumps who. You get to go leave and hit on other people and convince yourself you are awesome. You don’t have to see that. You get older and you don’t think this way, people’s lives and hearts mean more to you. That said, HUNGER GAMES BITCH.
Beyan just starts crazy crying, asking what was wrong with her, thinking about her messed up parents, then swearing like crazy. Fuck. I hated watching it. Not just because she felt bad, but because I knew Ben was watching it. The only thing that cheered me up was Swimsuit Issues making the “oopsies” face when Beyan got cut. It’s in someone’s worst moment that Courtney shines. KILL SHOT.
Off to Switzerland, which is cool, but I prefer the Tahiti and Bali fantasy suite dates. I’m just a traditional kind of guy when it comes to my televised orgies.
See you next week. In Chocolate Land.