Bachelor Recap: Week Nine

There’s a couple things I need to get out of my way before we proceed.  First, I need you to know the proper way to pronounce “fantasy suite” as this is the episode where that comes into play in a big way.  You  need to say it with some Latin mystique.  Fahn-tah-see Sweet.

The second thing was the whole Emily Maynard introduction.  First of all, I look forward to destroying her.  I can’t take how it was all about her daughter and now just because she moves the traveling sex show to her hometown doesn’t make her a good mom.  Maybe she is, but after having to listen to all her problems with introducing Ricki Bobby to Brad a year ago, now what, she moves 25 meatsicles to NC.  Good call.  And on the veneers, totally believable and they make me nostalgic for The Mask.

So they cart out Hey Bear (who couldn’t shut up about JP signalling they are probably about to break up) and The Muppet, who still is dressed like a fucking highlighter and they go to give her advice.  Let me give them all advice.  Muppet, you married the meathead and you broke up.  You failed.  The best way to help Emily would be to tell her how to not do what you did.  And Hey Bear, JP the Assassin probably loved it when you told the world he didn’t stand out when you met him.  He got dressed and thought he looked good that day and you were like basically “all I could see was Bentley’s way too big head and goofy ass hair”.

What was next was my pet peeve.  A horrible media buy for Titantic 3D.  In case you were curious if Emily’s soul has been possessed by Chris Harrison, she was made to watch Titanic which is about losing your lover and didn’t she lose her rich race car lover in a plane crash.  That is some fucked up media buying ABC/Paramount!  Also, having girls put on makeup just to put on ugly 3D glasses made no sense, even for this show.  It made me hate Titanic because nothing screams 100 million dollar budget movie like having 3 brain-dead girls compare their lives on reality television to it.

Emily, it’s not going to work.  Is it too late to pull Chantal out of some buffet in Seattle, put her on a cosmopolitan drip and set her loose on some dudes?

Sigh.

Now, onto my favorite date of the year.  This is the reason I can still watch this show.  After all these 2 years, this is what keeps me coming back.  It’s part Hunger Games, part Pretty Woman and part documentary about the illicit underground sex trade.

I’m talking FAN TAH SEE SUITES!

You know how I feel about this episode?  Boom.

Helicopter.  On a scale of one to ten, I hope Ben brought plenty of prophylactics.  I mean look.  The theory is that Ben is supposed to marry one of these girls.  It’s down to three people.  This is his chance to test out the intimacy factor.

In reality, this is Ben’s reward for being on the show.  He gets to force women into a game of sexual favors where if they say no, they aren’t opening up (literally) or being vulnerable.  If they do have sex, it better be good sex or HE’S OUT.  It’s even better on the Bachelorette where girls triple their sex count in the course of 3 days.  It’s so uncomfortable.  It’s filled with awkward moments like the “hot tub makeout” and the “I’m closing the door because it’s time for doing it” and of course “lie in a bed of rose petals and preheat the oven”.

FANTASY SUITE!

After ZBOW traveled by map to Switzerland, which was the only place more deserted than Park City, Utah, he went on his first date with Sally Field, who he referred to as a “dark horse” which immediately removed all doubt that she would not be winning.  That’s code for “I was never really into it but something in me keeps you around” which is in reality a combination of her boobs, the fact that she is super normal, a pretty crier and the fact that her dad is Tom Hanks’ emotion double.

They go on a badass helicopter ride in a cool Swiss red chopper up into the alps. I loved Ben did a helicopter dance.  I know homeboy read the blog last year as a contestant and on some level, I think he knows how stoked I am to see helicopters.  This guy goes for the extreme sports and helicopters all season, which is why we watch this hot mess.  That and all the FANTASY SUITES!  He did break the rule of taking us to Tahiti for these dates depriving us of nudity.  But that’s cool.  I’m guessing Ben just wanted to check out Switzerland on Harrison’s dime.  (his tab, not his tiny bag of weed).

Interlaken, brah.  I kept making up pretend German words while we watched.  Slutensuite and hottubbenshag.

They land on some crazy cliff and then try not to fall from vertigo while they are forced to pretend to eat a standard issue Harrison picnic basket, which is food dusted with hydroxycut and pure china white.  They talk about emo shit that Ben is only kind of into despite the fact that Sally Field is getting cuter by the minute and doesn’t need headgear like Courtney.

They get back on the helicopter, but just land again on an even smaller cliff.  EXTREMEMEMEMEME.

Back at the Slutensuite, Ben started getting that “fuck you shut up face” which made me think he was forcing himself to drink to go through with this.  I mean, Ben is a good dude in my experience with him.  He knew that he was at a vital crossroads.  I mean, here you are in a man’s dream scenario, where all you need to do is hand women a card from Chris Harrison and they verbally commit to having sex with you.  Only Ben knows he isn’t picking Sally Field and so he feels kind of bad about taking her to the hottubbenshag.

But he does anyway and I was super proud of him.  Way to go Ben.  Somewhere, Chris Harrison was watching on a monitor drinking blood from a Komono Dragon, the most powerful narcotic in the world drifting into a hallucination, or in other words, planning out next season of the Bachelor.

Ben shows up for War Horse’s date in gloves and a heavy coat and she shows up in a sweater.  People from Arizona slash California are such pussies about cold weather.  So am I.  I got cold in Hawaii once, but in fairness I had built and ice luge in my shower and was pouring booze down it while my masseuse was holding my feet in the air and my wife was spraying me with that aerosol Evian water stuff.  My honeymoon was great.  They’d never let a man like me in a Slutensuite.  Any suite I am in becomes the fantasy suite.

So on this date, they decide to go repelling off a bridge into a big ass gorge.  This date kind of backfired.  I know it was pretty exciting in real life, I bet I’d shit my pants if I had to do that, but it didn’t translate to television.  I am guessing that is because Harrison was not around to liven it up.  I mean, where the hell was he on this.  I forgot he was even involved.  When are they gonna let him ride a helicopter (recreationally I mean, I know he traffics heroin that way, at least when he’s in jungle ecosystems).

I wondered if I had Bacheloritis.  Had Ben done so much extreme dating that I was bored by repelling into a big Swiss gorge?  I mean, it was such an awesome sexual innuendo leading into the hottubbenshag and later the Slutensuite.  Either way, Ben clearly likes War Horse more than Sally Field.  Unfortunately, the whole time I knew he was thinking about Swimsuit Issues.  It helped that War Horse got to wear a helmet on this date.  Looking good in helmets is her superpower, or just a damning statement about her hair.

Their night date involves no eating, but War Horse said she was falling in love with Ben and he gave her the pimp card and she was like “I’m excited” and he’s all “that’s the key to my heart” and I was all “this reminds me of when you see your guy friends spit game at girls and you want to make fun of them until you realize it is working and then you respect them in a survival of the fittest sort of way”.

They went back to the Slutensuite and War Horse put on a dude shirt and was naked from the waist down.  I kept thinking I was seeing more than she wanted America to.  At one point, they put a pole in direct line of site of the camera and that was my clue that she might have been Sharon Stoning in that moment.

Finally, it was time for Swimsuit Issues date.  All this girl does is adjust her hair.  I thought I had noticed this before, but I think I get distracted by thinking she might drool from all the overbite baby talking.  I mean seriously I think between her pigeon toe walking and her perpetual motion of hair adjustment, I think she might be doing the model version of crossfit.  She’s getting an arm workout for sure.  We discussed a drinking game around her hair adjusting but it would mean literally just chugging a bottle of vodka and seeing who lives.

The theme of this date was Ben doing anything he could to get Courtney to admit she is awful at communicating with humans so he could allow his penis to guide him straight to matrimony.  Her goal was simply to keep her hair out of her face, ask Ben questions when he asks her questions, say not much of anything, look hot and prove that the 8 weeks of Meisner acting school she got for free for sleeping with an instructer-slash-bartender in Santa Monica at least, if nothing else, taught her how to cry on cue.  My guess is that to cry she just thinks about her father’s sweaters and her sister’s nose.

So the date was basically eating and running around some Swiss town and looking at fucking lawn gnomes and I admit, I wished we were on some island somewhere.  Switzerland is cold and unfeeling, like Courtney and I wanted Chris Harrison to show up and maybe light something on fire.  By the way, check out the look on his face from the Oscars when Sasha Baron Cohen dropped fake ashes on Seacrest and tell me that’s not a dude who is thinking “I can’t believe he spilled all his cocaine!”:

So back at the Slutensuite Courtney explained she felt bad about being a huge bitch to everyone on the show, in America, probably in Santa Monica and Scottsdale too.  Ben was immediately like “oh, totally, I mean I’m sorry for even asking” and I wanted to save homeboy from her.  I mean, the thing is, there’s no way around it.  When a guy wants a girl to be the one, he will do everything the make her the one, even if the one talks like a baby all the time and hates humans.  I feel for Ben.  He’s been seduced and in the end, he didn’t want to ruin the Slutensuite, which was the point of the whole thing from the get go.

Courtney again fuels my belief she is the most skilled competitor in history when Ben offered her the fantasy suite card and instead, she asked him how he felt about it.  This girl shouldn’t be a model.  She should go around to high schools and teach girls to compliment fish.  You don’t even know you are doing it until it is too late.  Jedi Mind Trick, shit.  I mean, she’s just so cute and smart and talented… Wait.  Fuck.  She just did it to me.

Then they got in the tiniest hottubbenshag in Switzerland and had some killer sex I am guessing.

In the morning, the producers thought it’d be fun to let Beyan fly a billion hours to meet Ben in Switzerlan so she could get closure on their breakup.  Ben was kind of like “I have to play this cool because I am on TV but please go back to your Nazi parents”.  Ben politely explained that “you got cut because the thought of spending time with your parents is worse than the thought of sticking a metal skewer up my ass and rotating myself rotisserie-style over one of the fires in the Slutensuite.”

Poor Beyan was trying to explain that she has been dying to GTFO of her parents warlocky, icy ggrasp and that she would have only half ruined his life with her parents as in-laws (as opposed to totally ruining it, which is what ZBOW was thinking).  Ultimately, Ben defused the first bomb, but the second clearly shook him.

After a night of crazy sex, Beyan basically said that if Ben married Courtney *gasp* it would be a big mistake.  I mean, come one.  Rehearse some more, Beyan.  Here’s the speech that closes it.  You don’t say “she’s in it to win it”.  You say “Look Ben.  She’s hot, we get it.  She’s an actress sort of and she doesn’t have human feelings and I get how that can be appealing, but here’s the deal.  She is an awful person to everyone and even in a group of 20 people, Khadafi would have found 1 fucking friend.  I wanted to marry you, but if it isn’t me, at least Sally Field is a nice person and War Horse knows how to ride horses and her parents do weird shit like make you pull them around in chariots.  That’s hilarious.”

Instead she just went into the hall and sprawled out on the floor not helping the widespread rumors that she is a stage five clinger.  She just needs to drug her parents and move to California.  It’s actually just like the movie Son-In-Law.  Holy shit, Pauly Shore reference.

Either way, Ben’s face went to “oh fuck” mode and I felt bad for him.  I think we’ve all had a thing for the girl who everyone in our lives hoped would maybe fall down some stairs and break her face open.  I think we’ve all projected good looks to mean good person.  It’s true maybe off camera she is awesome, but unfortunately, ABC had a pretty easy time demonizing her.  I thought back on it and even the dude wearing the mask last year was more likeable.

From a competition perspective though, I love Courtney.  She’s beautiful and smart and loves animals… Fuck.  She compliment fished me again.  Damn, she’s good.

Harrison shows up (FINALLY) for the rose ceremony and Ben is tripping out more than I’ve seen him.  It was every good instinct fighting every bad instinct in his body.  One a scale of one to ten, please everyone let me just sleep with the hot girl some more.

Harrison finally has reached the point in his journey where he gets bags under his eyes, where the constant evasion of Interpol has him exhausted.  He was scratching his hands, twitching and rushing Ben through his answers.  He was like “yeah, yeah so you want Beyan in the rose ceremony or what, kid?” and Ben was just like I’m going to figure it out last minute.

The rose ceremony comes and Ben cuts Sally Field, who is totally graceful and too nice to even shit talk Courtney when she says he hopes he doesn’t get hurt.  Again, she’s a pretty crier and when you are this nice getting dumped,  you probably aren’t hard to have as a wife.  Here’s guessing her last husband was a real assface.

Anyway, off to some town I can’t pronounce in two weeks.  I don’t usually cover the Girls Tell All, but maybe I’ll live tweet or post if compelled.  It’s usually just a clusterfuck.  We’ll see.  Feel free to talk me into it.  Ben should have kept The Undertaker.

Couple things real quick.  Despite causing a holy war over football with Oregon yesterday, here’s a pic of some of my favorite Oregon readers who sent me this.  Shout out, big love to the Nike State!

And also a big shout out to my readers direct from Celine Wilson, the woman who created Ben’s tie clip that I apologized for knocking on Twitter this week.  Stuff is actually super cool and made from old typewriter parts.  I told her I just preferred the silver and that Ben wore it too high.  Regardless, even if you prefer a thinning tie clip like I do, her cufflinks are awesome and her jewelery seems to be a hit with the ladies.  Check it out HERE.

Finally, hello to my readers at Roseland Charter Middle School who are taking in the information and hopefully training a batch of students who one day may become lethal competitors on this show.

Also seeing the blog on a project is amazing, because I just took everyone to school.  BOOM.

And speaking of which, tomorrow night at 7:30 at the Founder’s Room at Galen Center, I’ll be speaking on leadership and ethics (stop laughing), the blog, my life, bears, bachelor, football and even some lazer tag.  Admission is free but super limited at this point.  Register HERE and show up.  I will answer all questions in the Q&A afterwords.  I am not writing a speech, it’s going to be stream of consciousness just like the blog.  Hope to see you.

Also, for USC kids, I am probably going to go to the 9-0 afterwards because I can.

 

 

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54 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

54 responses to “Bachelor Recap: Week Nine

  1. Pingback: Bachelor Night Baby « whaddayakiddingme?

  2. I name-dropped your fantastic blog in my blog today: http://whaddayakiddingme.wordpress.com/2012/02/28/bachelor-night-baby/

    You rule. If you’d like us to send a picture of our Bachelor Night, I wouldn’t be mad if you gave us a shout out.

  3. mc

    Please blog the next week ‘tell all’. I just need it, please!!

  4. Lauren

    Great how Courtney apologizes to Ben and not the people she was mean to… so calculated.

    So, as someone who knows the Flajniks, what do you think Ben’s sister will think of Courtney?

    • katie bulleri

      She won’t like her one bit. But she wants her brother happy… However, who knows? Courtney is manipulative N I think that Julia would give her the benefit of the doubt. Ben is a great guy, hopefully he kicked rocks after he saw how insane she was… She better not come to our town;-)

  5. SCGreek1990

    Zack, you can’t honestly tell me you like that tie clip and her jewelry. Very creative idea, and I’m sure she attracts a market for it….a very niche market, but stuff is no way 50 bucks. I’d rather go down to Nordies and buy a set of David Donahue and look like I had just spent….50 bucks.

    I enjoy nostalgia, even at my young age, but I’m not sure if I want type-writer memorabilia on my Hickey Freeman.

    Seems like a nice PR move, did I catch on on this one?

    See you tomorrow night.

  6. I look forward to this Bachelor post every single week. fucking hilarious! I just can’t believe you didn’t mention his god awful bowtie! How did War horse even want him to underss after he sat across from her with that mop of hair AND a ridiculous goldish bowtie? just awful. Thank you for the laugh today. I needed it.

  7. Susan

    If you don’t post about “The Girls tell all”, the sun will go Supernova and the world, as we know it, will cease to exist!! I can’t put myself through watching that hot mess unless there is some light at the end of that train wreck.

    Another brilliant post, by the way….holy shit dude, where do you come up with this stuff?? Right, whiskey……I forgot!

  8. Seema

    Hiliarious as usual!
    Whats up with Beyon laying on the floor after talking to ZBOW? Nothing like catching HepC from laying on a dirty hotel floor after being dumped AGAIN. Classic when they panned out the shot, and there was a couch a couple feet away.
    You have to comment on “The Girls Tell All”. JUST DO IT!

  9. Dani

    You MUST write about next weeks show. It will just be too funny to skip! My friends and I all wait for your Tuesday morning blog. Please!!!

  10. MF

    This blog was highly, highly entertaining and favorite to-date. I’m also convinced that the only way Chris Harrison survives this show (besides seeing his bank account grow) is because he’s loaded up on some assortment of pills, enhanced by a little powder.

  11. Dina

    You are too brilliant for words. I love people who make me LOL when I am by myself! Nobel Peace Prize stuff this is!

  12. Tran

    please. do. recap. of. girlstellall. your blog is like a good drug I never want to give up!

  13. njcincy

    wow if you are going to write a blog about the bachelor at least get your info correct!
    1. Ali (who you have hideously named the Muppet) never married. They were engaged and never set a wedding date.

    2. If you talk to many married people (I am assuming you aren’t) many of them say they weren’t “blown” away by their husbands the first night they met. Many of my friends married felt that way about their husbands and they are extremely happy. This isn’t always the case with people, but sometimes it happens.

    3. I think NONE OF US knows what it is like to be through that process so who are we to judge. I think Ashley is very happy and I don’t know why so many people hate her. At least she chose JP over Ben. After this year’s show we can see how shallow he is when it comes to physical attraction and isn’t more about the personality as he says he is

    • Zack Jerome

      are you ali or ashley? you simply must be friends with her. i know she never married, it’s because she picked the meathead intern at state farm and it fell through like all but 1 bachelor selected romance. did you seriously say “if i talked to married people”, like who, myself? my friends? my parents? most americans? most married people didn’t get engaged on the bachelor either. i’d say “in real life” if it took you a while to find your mate or have them stand out, that makes more sense than when you are paid to look at a group of 25 people and pick one. cognitive thinking would lead you to think maybe she just wasn’t feeling it. hey bear was so damn insecure that eventually she took the nice guy after letting bentley kick her teeth in all year. she got the right guy, i was just looking out for JP.

      while i do not know first hand the process (and somehow managed to be happily married), i’ll answer who i am to judge. a viewer and a blogger. if you SIGN UP TO BE ON TELEVISION ON THIS SHOW YOU ARE SIGNING UP TO BE JUDGED.

      I am also Ben didn’t end up with Hey Bear, because he’d be bored and having to tell her what a good dancer she is all the time and being forced to go on boring dates.

      • Susan

        Nicely put!! It’s reality television, and although deliciously consuming, it’s still a TV show. And if you don’t like the blog for the humor it represents, find something else to read and let the rest of us enjoy it for its brilliance and spot on commentary.

      • Njcincy

        Trust me I didn’t stumble across this blog. Some idiotic person sent me here because I confronted them for bullying ashley on twitter which I think is totally unacceptable.

        Look I am not friend with Ali or Ashley but I respect them as people. I am a teacher and I spend a half an hour each week teaching my students about cyber bullying and it is so disheartening to know that it is pointless because these children have NO role models….look at you adults doing exactly what I tell my students not to.

        I think everyone is entitled to their opinion, but airing it out like this and personally insulting people you have never met is bullying no matter how much you will try to convive me or yourself it is not. your educators you posted in your blog should be ashamed supporting this blog because of that. Sitting around the table and discussing with friends your likes and dislikes is totally acceptable, but when did we as adults decide it was ok to bash people online where the words are permanent and for all to see. Wouldn’t you be so ashamed for your children or future children to see a blog where you promote such hatred towards others? Probably not a moral you want to pass down to the next generation.

        My whole point is to show respect to others. I know you think that just because they signed up for to show they checked a box that said “anyone and everyone can judge my every personality trait and in turn say horrible things about me.” I am sure that if we put you on TV people would say awful things about you and how would you feel? Oh wait remember you signed up for it.

        Technology has allowed us as people to be bullies and to say awful things that we never would have without social media. It is about time that people recognize that as a human race the things we do online reflect who we are as people and thirty years from now will your grandchildren be proud of the person who writes this blog or will they be ashamed?

      • Zack Jerome

        social media is all about conversation, so thanks for participating. having a popular blog, people always come here and say nasty things about my opinion, but ultimately, it’s all for entertainment (just like the bachelor, in case you were thinking it was the news or something). i know ben a little bit, i know last year’s cast read this blog, mostly they laugh, because those of us in media tend to understand that when you put yourself out there, there will be mixed opinions. we’re all pretty self confident and in the end, people getting upset doesn’t upset us.

        now, i’d never say anything racially charged, something promoting bigotry or hate. that said, the reason america loves this blog is the reason america loves the show. they love screaming at what idiots other people are.

        in my personal and business life, i show plenty of respect for everyone. on my blog, i am hear to entertain people and unfortunately, you seem like you need to read something more tame. i am not airing out my opinion. this is my publication. you are airing your opinion. i am creating content.

        i thought about doing what i normally do with amazing comments on my football posts and turning them into posts for my readers to judge, but in this case, i think you fall under the category of people that should not be watching the bachelor. it is way too hardcore for you. coming on my blog and declaring the human race should watch what they do online… that’s crazy talk. i work in social media marketing. all i am doing is helping the bachelor get ratings by making its “fans” enjoy dishing out what happened.

        in 30 years, i doubt I’ll have grandchildren that can read my blog and according to prophecies, the world is ending this year. but if they did read it, i am sure they will be more proud of me than ashley’s grandkids who will have 12 hours of television where their grandma wore midriffs, acted insecure, got drunk on television and made out with 25 strangers and fornicating with 3 of them in fantasy suites.

        i do applaud you though, your comments got me thinking and that’s what it’s all about. NOW LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

    • oreosake

      relax! i’m sure Ashley has a better sense of humor than you do.

      • Bobby D

        This is Zac “Bearfighter” Jerome III, commenting from the year 2048 (we can’t time travel, but our comments can). I don’t usually do this do to the time space continuum and all, but I had to defend my grandfather from a barren, old maid that doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I say barren, because the first thing I tried before writing his comment was to literally “fuck over” the offspring of said offender. Since the offspring didn’t exist (because who wants to pro-create with someone that takes blogs and reality television this seriously?), writing this response was the next best option.

        While judging my grandfather’s judgments in a public forum was grounds for execution after his blog single-handedly defeated terrorism in the Blog Wars of 2020, the hypocrisy of your actions certainly deserves at least a tongue lashing. On a scale of 1 to 10, your hypocrisy is Zac Jerome (infinite became obsolete after my grandfather killed infinite bears plus one within a single hunting season using only mind bullets).

        As a teacher, you should know that Judging a Judger is in fact worse because you’re proving your own point by doing the opposite of what you expect others to do. If you had awareness of this, you would be arrogant and awesome. However, your lack of self-awareness has only lead you to exactly ZERO offspring and (SPOILER) an eventual overdose on Fukitol (the most arrogant drug ever invented by my grandfather).

        Don’t Judge. Isn’t that what the bible teaches us? Fun Fact: The Bible became the 2nd most stolen book when “Body by Zac” surpassed it in 2017.

        In closing, I am the namesake of the guy who saved the world from ending in 2012 with only a coin flip. Show some respect.

        P.S. Here’s hoping this comment might somehow lead to a butterfly effect in the form of a future sympathy fuck in your favor.

      • Zack Jerome

        hahahaha, i’m so glad i paid for your college and bought you a bmw when you turned 16.

  14. shelly

    Of all of the questions that Chris Harrison could have asked Ben before the rose ceremony “do you want to include Beyan” was the most ridiculous. Ben was clearly horrified to have to deal with her yet again and now Chris wants to throw her back in the race? I thought Ben was going to choke. I could not take my eyes off of LIndzi without a coat. I kept looking for signs of shivering. Doesn’t anyone give he poor girl some warning? I mean, she had all kinds of outfits for the evening (bathing suit, long shirt with no undies, etc.) but no outerwear? That’s just wrong. I liked Courtney much better when she was being herself. She’s boring as an apologetic crybaby.
    Please blog after the reunion show. Please?

  15. Claire

    On a scale of one to ten, I will die if I can’t read your girls tell all blog next Tuesday!

  16. Abby

    Good thing ZBOW banged Courtney last so Sally Field and War Horse don’t get herpes

  17. Save my Tuesday Morning

    Please write a blog next Monday about how beautiful and smart Court…shit, she got me, I meant – how bitter Contagion is and how Jenna tries to redeem herself.

  18. chelsea from beaverton, OR

    amazing as usual zach! please blog next week🙂 you are hilarious and so spot on with your insults & perceptions! keep it up!

  19. Lauren

    Do you think they are all tested for STDs before the Fantasy Suite? I mean seriously, 3 sex sessions is row is a breeding ground for some new super STD to take over the world.

  20. I think I figured out how Courtney has figured out how to play the game:

    http://bit.ly/z71ded

  21. Jo

    First time reader – got the link from Ben. I cringed when I read your blog, but it is hilarious! I laughed and spit out my coffee about Emily’s veneers and saw the pic! Good lord, you nailed it about Courtney. Hope Ben got some sense slapped into him with your comments! Liked Sally Field too, and Hey Bear is smart. War Horse is boooring. Okay, now I’m going to read your past posts and not drink coffee while doing it. Please do a blog on next week’s show!

  22. Lucky11

    Dear Njcincy –
    Life’s tough, get a helmet.
    Sincerely,
    The Interwebz

  23. Aly

    i feel like i’m living on the edge reading your recaps as a true blue bruin.
    watching the bachelor is a favorite guilty pleasure and reading your recaps makes the experience all the more sinful!

  24. Charley

    Cyber bullying? Honestly, what offends me more is an educator who is illiterate.
    Your blog is hilarious. You’ve said nothing the casual observer doesn’t already think, you just have a special way of sharing it! Thanks for the guffaws! Please, for the love of God, comment on the shocking revelations when the girls tell all, only do it in your special way, K? Slutensuite and hottubbenshag…I wet myself.

  25. Susan

    Glad to read Bobby D’s response….and good on him!! Write what you want to write, Zack, and for those who are offended, don’t read. Teach your kids about freedom of choice and learning from other people’s opinions. Let the Arrogant Nation live on and amuse the 99.99% of the population that understand your point!! Bullying comes from misinformation……this blog is all about sharing information and giving people the freedom to choose to read what they want to read. If the teacher deems it unfit, we have your back!!

  26. Cy

    This is good! Whats up with Kacie B? I just don’t get all these past rejects showing up to warn or state true love..We have had Ryan, Jake, etc…the list goes on each season show up to state their unconditional love or tell of a bad person..Kacie B hit both with one stone.
    Thinking it over I think Kacie B picked the wrong show. She should have been on Sweet Home Alabama and not the bachelor..Sweet Home is more people her style..down-home southerners. And the bachelor seems to attract fame whores (Jake-Ali-Emily Maynard-Asheley) though that show has MUCH hotter women then we seen on Famewhore bachelor. Man smokin hot chicks on season 2 Sweet Home..Kacie would have a hard time on that show, she aint pretty enough..google the chicks on that show Courtney and Paige, Trissen just beautiful women. But the Bachelor this season had some really ugly nasty hoes..ex..Jacyln from the UK, Monica, Jenna etc..Where they find this trash? At the local Arm Pitt bar?

  27. Cy

    Also want to say they should never ever ever have a women over 30 on this show! Or may I go further and say never should they pick a women older then the Bachelor..Never in the history of the show has even an older women made it to the fantasy suite. I’m 36 and if i had my pick Id want age 23-30. This season they had 2 old hags..Blackeley was 34 pushing 35 “lied of her age on TV said she was 33”. And that chick from KY was 36..WTF? Seriously? Like she stood a chance in hell of even getting past episode 1? Yeah if the bachelor was 50 maybe.

    • Charley

      God I love shallow men. I’m nominating you to be the next Bachelor. It’s why I watch.

      • Yup, but I’m like most confident men who are push overs..and we dont go after older women for a serious relationship..sure Id do an older chick on a one night stand, but thats as far as that would go. Aint none of these good looking rich Bachelors going for older women..hasn’t ever happened and wont..just a fact..Heck Brad Womack was 38 went for 24 year old Emily. Jason was 32 went for 23 year old Molly, pitiful Jake was 32 went for 23 year old nasty Vienna, Matt went for a chick like 8 years younger..Over on Sweet Home Alabama that guy was 26 picked a 21 year old…the list goes on.
        A women 33+ needs to give it up on the reality shows looking for a bachelor ‘unless its some 50 year old bachelor. A man 30 ain’t interested in a set in her ways old maid. Ohh and pre-industrial revolution a women 30+ was considered an old maid. Human nature is the same, sure women have jobs and dont need a man now, but I assure you a rich-handsome man who is 30 will be looking around the 23 year old range for a parter.

      • Charley

        Damn! I guess I just got lucky when I was 35 and found a (really…no, I mean REALLY rich…unlike Ben) rich handsome (really…no, I mean REALLY handsome…) husband who was 36 at the time. But I guess the point is, neither of us would do a “reality” show and publicly humiliate ourselves for the entertainment of others. It really takes a person with a certain je ne sais quois to love being emotionally brutalized on television while making a complete ass out of yourself. And I thank God for them. It’s my Monday night football.

  28. Laura

    This is what date #2 was supposed to be, courtesy of whoever posted their jump on youtube. Shame they both chickened out.

  29. Cyberbully

    Ah yes…let’s preach against cyber bullying……and then turn around and do it ourselves.
    “2. (I am assuming you aren’t)

    3. After this year’s show we can see how shallow he is when it comes to physical attraction and isn’t more about the personality as he says he is”

  30. Kate

    Zach, please write after the women tell all! I love reading this recap at work on Tuesday!!

  31. Susan

    Zack….I have to ask…..are you writing about tonight’s Tell All episode?? If not, I will have to call in sick and remain in the fetal position until I have recovered from the loss!!

  32. Jenna

    Please write about tonight’s Tell All. You are hilarious.

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