There’s a couple things I need to get out of my way before we proceed. First, I need you to know the proper way to pronounce “fantasy suite” as this is the episode where that comes into play in a big way. You need to say it with some Latin mystique. Fahn-tah-see Sweet.
The second thing was the whole Emily Maynard introduction. First of all, I look forward to destroying her. I can’t take how it was all about her daughter and now just because she moves the traveling sex show to her hometown doesn’t make her a good mom. Maybe she is, but after having to listen to all her problems with introducing Ricki Bobby to Brad a year ago, now what, she moves 25 meatsicles to NC. Good call. And on the veneers, totally believable and they make me nostalgic for The Mask.
So they cart out Hey Bear (who couldn’t shut up about JP signalling they are probably about to break up) and The Muppet, who still is dressed like a fucking highlighter and they go to give her advice. Let me give them all advice. Muppet, you married the meathead and you broke up. You failed. The best way to help Emily would be to tell her how to not do what you did. And Hey Bear, JP the Assassin probably loved it when you told the world he didn’t stand out when you met him. He got dressed and thought he looked good that day and you were like basically “all I could see was Bentley’s way too big head and goofy ass hair”.
What was next was my pet peeve. A horrible media buy for Titantic 3D. In case you were curious if Emily’s soul has been possessed by Chris Harrison, she was made to watch Titanic which is about losing your lover and didn’t she lose her rich race car lover in a plane crash. That is some fucked up media buying ABC/Paramount! Also, having girls put on makeup just to put on ugly 3D glasses made no sense, even for this show. It made me hate Titanic because nothing screams 100 million dollar budget movie like having 3 brain-dead girls compare their lives on reality television to it.
Emily, it’s not going to work. Is it too late to pull Chantal out of some buffet in Seattle, put her on a cosmopolitan drip and set her loose on some dudes?
Now, onto my favorite date of the year. This is the reason I can still watch this show. After all these 2 years, this is what keeps me coming back. It’s part Hunger Games, part Pretty Woman and part documentary about the illicit underground sex trade.
I’m talking FAN TAH SEE SUITES!
You know how I feel about this episode? Boom.
Helicopter. On a scale of one to ten, I hope Ben brought plenty of prophylactics. I mean look. The theory is that Ben is supposed to marry one of these girls. It’s down to three people. This is his chance to test out the intimacy factor.
In reality, this is Ben’s reward for being on the show. He gets to force women into a game of sexual favors where if they say no, they aren’t opening up (literally) or being vulnerable. If they do have sex, it better be good sex or HE’S OUT. It’s even better on the Bachelorette where girls triple their sex count in the course of 3 days. It’s so uncomfortable. It’s filled with awkward moments like the “hot tub makeout” and the “I’m closing the door because it’s time for doing it” and of course “lie in a bed of rose petals and preheat the oven”.
After ZBOW traveled by map to Switzerland, which was the only place more deserted than Park City, Utah, he went on his first date with Sally Field, who he referred to as a “dark horse” which immediately removed all doubt that she would not be winning. That’s code for “I was never really into it but something in me keeps you around” which is in reality a combination of her boobs, the fact that she is super normal, a pretty crier and the fact that her dad is Tom Hanks’ emotion double.
They go on a badass helicopter ride in a cool Swiss red chopper up into the alps. I loved Ben did a helicopter dance. I know homeboy read the blog last year as a contestant and on some level, I think he knows how stoked I am to see helicopters. This guy goes for the extreme sports and helicopters all season, which is why we watch this hot mess. That and all the FANTASY SUITES! He did break the rule of taking us to Tahiti for these dates depriving us of nudity. But that’s cool. I’m guessing Ben just wanted to check out Switzerland on Harrison’s dime. (his tab, not his tiny bag of weed).
Interlaken, brah. I kept making up pretend German words while we watched. Slutensuite and hottubbenshag.
They land on some crazy cliff and then try not to fall from vertigo while they are forced to pretend to eat a standard issue Harrison picnic basket, which is food dusted with hydroxycut and pure china white. They talk about emo shit that Ben is only kind of into despite the fact that Sally Field is getting cuter by the minute and doesn’t need headgear like Courtney.
They get back on the helicopter, but just land again on an even smaller cliff. EXTREMEMEMEMEME.
Back at the Slutensuite, Ben started getting that “fuck you shut up face” which made me think he was forcing himself to drink to go through with this. I mean, Ben is a good dude in my experience with him. He knew that he was at a vital crossroads. I mean, here you are in a man’s dream scenario, where all you need to do is hand women a card from Chris Harrison and they verbally commit to having sex with you. Only Ben knows he isn’t picking Sally Field and so he feels kind of bad about taking her to the hottubbenshag.
But he does anyway and I was super proud of him. Way to go Ben. Somewhere, Chris Harrison was watching on a monitor drinking blood from a Komono Dragon, the most powerful narcotic in the world drifting into a hallucination, or in other words, planning out next season of the Bachelor.
Ben shows up for War Horse’s date in gloves and a heavy coat and she shows up in a sweater. People from Arizona slash California are such pussies about cold weather. So am I. I got cold in Hawaii once, but in fairness I had built and ice luge in my shower and was pouring booze down it while my masseuse was holding my feet in the air and my wife was spraying me with that aerosol Evian water stuff. My honeymoon was great. They’d never let a man like me in a Slutensuite. Any suite I am in becomes the fantasy suite.
So on this date, they decide to go repelling off a bridge into a big ass gorge. This date kind of backfired. I know it was pretty exciting in real life, I bet I’d shit my pants if I had to do that, but it didn’t translate to television. I am guessing that is because Harrison was not around to liven it up. I mean, where the hell was he on this. I forgot he was even involved. When are they gonna let him ride a helicopter (recreationally I mean, I know he traffics heroin that way, at least when he’s in jungle ecosystems).
I wondered if I had Bacheloritis. Had Ben done so much extreme dating that I was bored by repelling into a big Swiss gorge? I mean, it was such an awesome sexual innuendo leading into the hottubbenshag and later the Slutensuite. Either way, Ben clearly likes War Horse more than Sally Field. Unfortunately, the whole time I knew he was thinking about Swimsuit Issues. It helped that War Horse got to wear a helmet on this date. Looking good in helmets is her superpower, or just a damning statement about her hair.
Their night date involves no eating, but War Horse said she was falling in love with Ben and he gave her the pimp card and she was like “I’m excited” and he’s all “that’s the key to my heart” and I was all “this reminds me of when you see your guy friends spit game at girls and you want to make fun of them until you realize it is working and then you respect them in a survival of the fittest sort of way”.
They went back to the Slutensuite and War Horse put on a dude shirt and was naked from the waist down. I kept thinking I was seeing more than she wanted America to. At one point, they put a pole in direct line of site of the camera and that was my clue that she might have been Sharon Stoning in that moment.
Finally, it was time for Swimsuit Issues date. All this girl does is adjust her hair. I thought I had noticed this before, but I think I get distracted by thinking she might drool from all the overbite baby talking. I mean seriously I think between her pigeon toe walking and her perpetual motion of hair adjustment, I think she might be doing the model version of crossfit. She’s getting an arm workout for sure. We discussed a drinking game around her hair adjusting but it would mean literally just chugging a bottle of vodka and seeing who lives.
The theme of this date was Ben doing anything he could to get Courtney to admit she is awful at communicating with humans so he could allow his penis to guide him straight to matrimony. Her goal was simply to keep her hair out of her face, ask Ben questions when he asks her questions, say not much of anything, look hot and prove that the 8 weeks of Meisner acting school she got for free for sleeping with an instructer-slash-bartender in Santa Monica at least, if nothing else, taught her how to cry on cue. My guess is that to cry she just thinks about her father’s sweaters and her sister’s nose.
So the date was basically eating and running around some Swiss town and looking at fucking lawn gnomes and I admit, I wished we were on some island somewhere. Switzerland is cold and unfeeling, like Courtney and I wanted Chris Harrison to show up and maybe light something on fire. By the way, check out the look on his face from the Oscars when Sasha Baron Cohen dropped fake ashes on Seacrest and tell me that’s not a dude who is thinking “I can’t believe he spilled all his cocaine!”:
So back at the Slutensuite Courtney explained she felt bad about being a huge bitch to everyone on the show, in America, probably in Santa Monica and Scottsdale too. Ben was immediately like “oh, totally, I mean I’m sorry for even asking” and I wanted to save homeboy from her. I mean, the thing is, there’s no way around it. When a guy wants a girl to be the one, he will do everything the make her the one, even if the one talks like a baby all the time and hates humans. I feel for Ben. He’s been seduced and in the end, he didn’t want to ruin the Slutensuite, which was the point of the whole thing from the get go.
Courtney again fuels my belief she is the most skilled competitor in history when Ben offered her the fantasy suite card and instead, she asked him how he felt about it. This girl shouldn’t be a model. She should go around to high schools and teach girls to compliment fish. You don’t even know you are doing it until it is too late. Jedi Mind Trick, shit. I mean, she’s just so cute and smart and talented… Wait. Fuck. She just did it to me.
Then they got in the tiniest hottubbenshag in Switzerland and had some killer sex I am guessing.
In the morning, the producers thought it’d be fun to let Beyan fly a billion hours to meet Ben in Switzerlan so she could get closure on their breakup. Ben was kind of like “I have to play this cool because I am on TV but please go back to your Nazi parents”. Ben politely explained that “you got cut because the thought of spending time with your parents is worse than the thought of sticking a metal skewer up my ass and rotating myself rotisserie-style over one of the fires in the Slutensuite.”
Poor Beyan was trying to explain that she has been dying to GTFO of her parents warlocky, icy ggrasp and that she would have only half ruined his life with her parents as in-laws (as opposed to totally ruining it, which is what ZBOW was thinking). Ultimately, Ben defused the first bomb, but the second clearly shook him.
After a night of crazy sex, Beyan basically said that if Ben married Courtney *gasp* it would be a big mistake. I mean, come one. Rehearse some more, Beyan. Here’s the speech that closes it. You don’t say “she’s in it to win it”. You say “Look Ben. She’s hot, we get it. She’s an actress sort of and she doesn’t have human feelings and I get how that can be appealing, but here’s the deal. She is an awful person to everyone and even in a group of 20 people, Khadafi would have found 1 fucking friend. I wanted to marry you, but if it isn’t me, at least Sally Field is a nice person and War Horse knows how to ride horses and her parents do weird shit like make you pull them around in chariots. That’s hilarious.”
Instead she just went into the hall and sprawled out on the floor not helping the widespread rumors that she is a stage five clinger. She just needs to drug her parents and move to California. It’s actually just like the movie Son-In-Law. Holy shit, Pauly Shore reference.
Either way, Ben’s face went to “oh fuck” mode and I felt bad for him. I think we’ve all had a thing for the girl who everyone in our lives hoped would maybe fall down some stairs and break her face open. I think we’ve all projected good looks to mean good person. It’s true maybe off camera she is awesome, but unfortunately, ABC had a pretty easy time demonizing her. I thought back on it and even the dude wearing the mask last year was more likeable.
From a competition perspective though, I love Courtney. She’s beautiful and smart and loves animals… Fuck. She compliment fished me again. Damn, she’s good.
Harrison shows up (FINALLY) for the rose ceremony and Ben is tripping out more than I’ve seen him. It was every good instinct fighting every bad instinct in his body. One a scale of one to ten, please everyone let me just sleep with the hot girl some more.
Harrison finally has reached the point in his journey where he gets bags under his eyes, where the constant evasion of Interpol has him exhausted. He was scratching his hands, twitching and rushing Ben through his answers. He was like “yeah, yeah so you want Beyan in the rose ceremony or what, kid?” and Ben was just like I’m going to figure it out last minute.
The rose ceremony comes and Ben cuts Sally Field, who is totally graceful and too nice to even shit talk Courtney when she says he hopes he doesn’t get hurt. Again, she’s a pretty crier and when you are this nice getting dumped, you probably aren’t hard to have as a wife. Here’s guessing her last husband was a real assface.
Anyway, off to some town I can’t pronounce in two weeks. I don’t usually cover the Girls Tell All, but maybe I’ll live tweet or post if compelled. It’s usually just a clusterfuck. We’ll see. Feel free to talk me into it. Ben should have kept The Undertaker.
Couple things real quick. Despite causing a holy war over football with Oregon yesterday, here’s a pic of some of my favorite Oregon readers who sent me this. Shout out, big love to the Nike State!
And also a big shout out to my readers direct from Celine Wilson, the woman who created Ben’s tie clip that I apologized for knocking on Twitter this week. Stuff is actually super cool and made from old typewriter parts. I told her I just preferred the silver and that Ben wore it too high. Regardless, even if you prefer a thinning tie clip like I do, her cufflinks are awesome and her jewelery seems to be a hit with the ladies. Check it out HERE.
Finally, hello to my readers at Roseland Charter Middle School who are taking in the information and hopefully training a batch of students who one day may become lethal competitors on this show.
Also seeing the blog on a project is amazing, because I just took everyone to school. BOOM.
And speaking of which, tomorrow night at 7:30 at the Founder’s Room at Galen Center, I’ll be speaking on leadership and ethics (stop laughing), the blog, my life, bears, bachelor, football and even some lazer tag. Admission is free but super limited at this point. Register HERE and show up. I will answer all questions in the Q&A afterwords. I am not writing a speech, it’s going to be stream of consciousness just like the blog. Hope to see you.
Also, for USC kids, I am probably going to go to the 9-0 afterwards because I can.