Why Tebow Won’t Be The Next Bachelor

The world exploded when Chris Harrison (probably under the influence of huffing fumes from industrial strength adhesives) leaked that he approached Denver Broncos running back quarterback Tim Tebow to be the next Bachelor.  Twitter was a-buzz about the possibilities of having one of the biggest stars of the NFL run the sexual favor gauntlet, but one blogger (thumbs pointed in, this guy) is calling bullshit right away.

The obvious reasons this won’t work out certainly, one would think, have to do with his faith and the fact that if you are on the Bachelor, you are going to hell.  Probably if you watch it.  Not that that is a bad thing or that I am actually citing “religious hell” (this is a non secular blog), but given Tim’s outspoken faith, this show might not be a great fit.

Here’s some thoughts to get you through Hump Day.  Pun intended if you want it to be.

  1. I am pretty sure Tebow claims to be a virgin (huge waste of being a star quarterback at Florida if you have ever looked at the level of naked chaos in the Facebook album of any Florida student).  Being a virgin eliminates the fantasy suites.  Could anything ruin that episode more than getting helicoptered to a private beach, making out in the waves then night-capping it by not drinking and the guy refusing the fantasy suite 3 straight times?
  2. Will anything be more annoying that 25 girls in awkward dresses “Tebowing” when they get out of the limo and meet him?
  3. Regardless of your religious beliefs, talking about God and the Bachelor don’t mix.  I believe to thy own self be true and Tim is going to want to let his faith out, which is hard to take seriously in a hot tub filled with crazy chicks drunk off gallons of Chardonnay.
  4. Could anything in the world make opposing defenses want to tackle Tebow harder than they already do than him going on a reality television show and not having lots of sex?
  5. The dating would be the least extreme we’ve ever seen.  If you think Hey Bear’s frequent “let’s just want around a random market in Asia” dates were bad, think of how bad they will be when the Denver Broncos have to approve it.  An NFL QB is worth his weight in gold.  Every year pro athletes take massive shit for spraining ankles playing basketball or riding motorcycles and crashing them without wearing a helmet (sorry Big Ben Roethlisberger) and possibly sexually assaulting people in bathrooms (sorry again Ben).  What are the odds they are like “sure Tebow, why don’t you rappel off a cliff, dive out of a helicopter and climb up the suspension beams of a bridge.
  6. Tebow is boring.  Yes, I’d be super mean all season, it’s good for me, but all he does is drink muscle milk and throw weak spirals.  Also, who wants to watch a millionaire get a free engagement ring?
  7. Could Tebow even trust someone coming on a television show to date him?  NFL players need to watch out for people trying to get in their piggy banks.  I mean, 25 girls coming on television to date Tebow?  Danger mouse.

Look.  I am not a Tebow fan.  I wasn’t at Florida and I am not during the Broncos.  My vested interest in this is huge.  On the one hand, I would make fun of him so hard for the entire show, and that makes for awesome bloggage.  That said, I just don’t want the show to get ruined.  It’s the perfect trainwreck.

They already are doing so much for Emily May-nerd that I think next season suffers a bit.  Bringing in a celeb will maybe help ratings but hurt the show.  The Bachelor and its contestants must remain every-man gladiators willing to subject themselves to everything that is effed up with America for the benefit of the nation.  It’s the Hunger Games.  Putting Tebow in will be like fixing the outcome.

No thanks.  I like my bachelor neat in a clean glass and then I smash it against the wall and cry myself to sleep.  Let’s keep reality television surreal.

Actually, fuck it.  Bring on Tebow Time.  Regardless, never going to happen.  But this did.  Nice preview of who he’d select…




Filed under Rants and Musings

5 responses to “Why Tebow Won’t Be The Next Bachelor

  1. Win4Ever

    The only thing worse would be Tebow joining the Jersey Shore cast…or would it be better?
    If he were to join any TV show, when would he have the time to learn how to throw a football?

  2. Susan

    Is it Christmas?? The gift of an extra Bachelor blog……my snow is melting and I’m out on my deck looking for Santa Claus!! The whole idea of Tebow being “The Bachelor” goes against everything the show stands for……sex, drinking, helicopters and….sex. Tebow may be able to outrun a few linebackers, but 25 crazed, ratings seeking drunk women…..I think not!!

  3. Emily

    No one else thought it might be Tiger Woods?! He’s not on top in the golf world anymore, might as well be on top of 25 women and not be hung out to dry for it.

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