I was naturally shocked to hear Chris Harrison, the internationally recognized marriage pimp, was getting divorced. When you see Chris Harrison headlines, you expect them to be about a killer tie that he found that also conceals drugs when you pass through TSA at LAX. You expect it to be that he’s finally going to rehab for black tar heroin or red rock opium and only to lessen his tolerance so group dates are more fun again. You know, like in the Trista days. When it was a game.
I have been saving myself for the upcoming season, but I felt compelled to drop some hot fire on a Friday to you guys. I have to analyze what this development means for the Bachelor universe. A lot. I mean, it’s mind blowing.
Even a man so comfortable with hallucinogens surely must struggle through the human pain of a divorce. I mean, the guy managed to mentor scores of attractive, insecure women without getting divorced all these years. I am sure Bachelor Pad didn’t help his relationship. Imagine him having to tell his wife about that show. “Honey, this time we’re skipping the parts between forced sexual experiences where they cliff dive and rappel off buildings and doing this show where we just get everyone drunk, have them speed date and throw paint filled water balloons at their naked bodies”.
More than anywhere, it is in that show that I see the sadness in Chris Harrison’s eyes. It’s like an old woman smelling pot in a movie theater parking lot and remembering that dangerous guy in a leather vest she said “why not” to back at Altamont or some other show people in Brooklyn and Silver Lake claim to know a lot about.
Damn, that was deep.
So, the real question is how does this affect Harrison? I know the new season is probably in the can already, but let’s be honest here. He was dealing with this the whole time. How much off screen drug use can we assume? I’ll be sure to test the limits.
What if Harrison falls for a contestant? Can you picture him going to the Bachelor and being like, “Something came to my attention. The girl you are dating is hot and I decided to assassinate your character, get her to try E, take her to see Madeon and Avicii spin back to back and then make sweet robotic love to her all night at the Four Seasons Westlake Village to dubstep remixes of Beatles albums”.
What if Harrison hates a contestant? He’ll be like, “Listen, I know this situation is hard for you because you are dumber than a coat rack and the only thing you will ever succeed at in life is failing. Or posing as a coffee table for people to put their drinks down on. You could drive a garbage truck but you don’t seem like you know how to drive. Or work your iPod. Which is actually an iPad, you just don’t know the difference.”
Will he push some asshole out of a helicopter? Will he put arsenic in a rose? Will he start dating the contestants? Will he cockblock the Bachelor because now he knows that love is bullshit? I am just super curious about it because for years now I have told you that inside this man is another man. This other man loves things like snuff films, gun shows, Scottish caber tossing, snake venom and any drug that is free. This other man treats the polished Chris Harrison exterior as a marionette. It’s Jekyll and Hyde in a big time way and I fear the worst.
I can see Maynard being like “we’re all going to glamorous Monaco” and then Harrison just stumbles in with a nose bleed and says, “WRONG BITCH, we’re going to Ensenada, but first we got to stop at this guy’s place in Van Nuys and if anyone fucking talks the next helicopter you take will be to the fucking Bermuda triangle”.
In all seriousness, I feel bad for CH because I always thought the thing that helped his marriage was the fact that he constantly doomed other peoples’ odds at finding love and that fed him like some kind of superhero villain that feeds on bad feelings. I mean, those fucking ghost things in Harry Potter. That try to suck your soul out of your face.
Now, Chris knows he’s mortal and that makes him dangerous. In a big way.
Basically, I’ve never been more excited for the season. This is going to be my best work. I think Chris lives in my hometown and if he reads this, I would love to kick it with him, even if it ends up being Fear and Loathing because in the words of Hunter S. Thompson, buy the ticket, take the ride.
I believe him and I could set the town ablaze and I could do more for his image, nay, I have ALREADY done more for his image than ABC ever could. Harrison is the cult hero of our time. He’s doing what Seacrest would do if he wasn’t so busy pretending to not have reproductive organs. Harrison is cursed by having a winning smile and network television polish. He’s the best at what he does, whether that is punking girls on their journey to find love or if that is killing rats who puke to the cops about his whereabouts.
Chris, let’s party. I will accept that rose.
If you’d like a much classier and better written article on this subject, check out the great Natasha Burton who was kind enough to mention me in Huffington Post today.
Now, for my female readers (and admit it, my male readers), here’s a little something to send you into the weekend (subsequently, the song I’d play on piano instead of David Gray if I am the Bachelor):