I’d say good morning, but it isn’t. Last night my worst fears were realized. The Bachelorette, much to my prediction, finally jumped the shark. It’s hard to jump the shark when your show typically involves dates where you take a helicopter to a place where you actually jump over sharks, but ABC menage a trois’d to do it. I warned them that Lady Veneers would be boring. I warned them she’d make them do all kinds of “I’m a good mom” shit and that half the country would be fooled, but what has two thumbs and is going to call it like it is: THIS GUY.
Fair warning, some nicknames will change as we get to know these idiots.
Let’s just get right into it. Ryan, the guy who gives steroids to children and has more jawline than a Luke Wilson convention, gets the first one on one date confirming that despite the fact Lady Veneers keeps saying she wants to move on to a better guy, will still just pick the more athletic-obviously frat rock asshole out there. Look, I love to hang with frat rock asshole, but I’m a guy and I think it’s funny when people like Lady Veneers say “I need to protect my hand” before shoving it into a wood chipper.
Real quick, he gets a new name and that name is “Filibuster”. That’s because later in the episode when Barry Manilow tries to steal LV away from him to show her how much he looks like the animated mouse star of An American Tail (or Fievel Goes West, your choice), Filibuster makes her read a 7 page note that was so dumb I was sure it was the collection of all his love notes from middle school.
Anyway, so Filibuster gets the first date and if you couldn’t smell that this dude was a huge dick from a mile away, you are sleeping. Ladies, a man owes it to you to have unique game. No man goes to the gym that much, played pro sports, and wears really thin v-neck shirts because he wants to raise you kid. He spent his whole life learning how to do just enough so his coaches wouldn’t ride his ass like your high school jeans that don’t fit anymore. He is going to say whatever the fuck he needs to say to make you think he’s all good and you will hear what you want to hear, ignoring intonation and better judgment. Ladies, if you are dating a man like this right now, get out, he’s lying. If you are that guy, don’t worry. Keep doing what you are doing because she is going to ignore it and my advice, and that will probably make you enjoy it more (even though you told your friends at the bar last week you were bored).
Prior to the date, Lady Veneers had ABC stage that she actually hangs out with old chicks. There was a beef jerky tanned mom, a strange Indian lady who didn’t talk (convinced they just brought her over from another family hanging at the park) and then someone else I couldn’t remember because I was so confused that ABC wanted us to believe the biggest celebrity in Charlotte hangs out with old chicks because they are moms of Ricki Bobby’s friends. Also, she was bringing them there to have them take her to soccer? That was a “big help”? Yes, ABC. We totally believe you. It was way more convenient to set up a shoot at a park with 3 strangers and then have security escort Ricki Bobby to soccer than to just drop the damn kid off.
Look, I get it. You want to be promiscuous and respected at the same time. Unless you date Party MC, it can’t happen. You can’t have your pie and also have sex with it too. We all have to choose. You chose to be the Bachelorette after saying how you hated it. Stop ruining my Magical Helicopter Tour of the Known Sexual Universe, marry a fat guy who is a doctor and let HIM make your Hummer Limo filled with babies. You are insulting my superior intelligence.
So, on the most painful date since Hey Bear took assholes to random Asian markets nine weeks in a row, Filibuster gets rescued from the standard homoerotic all-male sunbathing revue at the mansion to get in an Aston Martin and go on some magical date. Only because Emily is hellbent on showing us she’s a good mom (good moms don’t go on the Bachelorette in the YouTube era), she makes him bring in groceries and bake cookies with her. He used a fucking whisk to stir the batter. Seriously meat stick? I don’t care if you don’t cook or bake, does that make any sense? Just on a basic viscosity vs tool level? Yes, I know how to bake and cook, but that’s just because I’m perfect. I mix drinks that kill people in far off lands without me knowing.
So Filibuster could not have looked more unamused this entire time. Didn’t bother Chompers even a little bit. She just kept saying what a good sport he was, even when she made him come to soccer practice and sit in the car and he clearly was giving her the “fuck you” face, which if you date girls, you know works when they are insecure. Don’t be that girl, readers. Don’t do it.
Look, just because Filibuster literally said the right things didn’t change that he didn’t try to put any conviction behind it. When I was young and lied to girls, I did it like One Direction did it. With a stony, what’s he thinking-slash-what’s he staring at on that fictional horizon in the distance sort of panache. And it works.
Filibuster was relieved to have a normal Bach date in a douchey restaurant in Charlotte called “Osso”, because no one knows upscale Italian like North Carolina… Now, please tell me you can picture Beef Jerky and Emily’s other 2 friends hanging out with her at a place like Osso. TRY HARDER ABC. Harrison’s divorce is affecting my enjoyment of this show.
So the entire date sounded like farts were coming out of Filibuster’s mouth and Emily being like “hooray!” Then she kept repeating he was hot and that since Brad was hot, it might not work out. Right. I am sure you’d have trouble meeting an ugly guy, Emily.
Finally, they went outside and some band called like “Pomegranate” or “Bananas Foster” played some country girl please kiss me butt jam and Emily showed she has less rhythm than a broken windchime. Also, we learned that phrases like “journey to find love and what better place to find love than Charlotte” are gone, giving way to both “I’m so happy you’re here” and “there’s no place in the entire world I’d rather be”, which were repeated incessantly by everyone the entire episode, including James Van Der Geek who later shit the bed on his date. We’ll get there. If I don’t kill myself.
Date two is theatre related and I am just glad I don’t have to watch Hey Bear dance in a midriff again. They go to a theatre and ABC jumps the shark on a Disney cross promo that somehow ruined both The Muppets (who are awesome) and the Bachelorette (which sucks but in a really good way like all 90s action films, which also have helicopters). Anything this show does, you only need one Kevin Bacon to get it. Disney and ABC are the same company and a Muppets sequel is on the way (that part I endorse). I mean you had to wonder how a couple of years back Barenaked Ladies were on the show.
I did enjoy when Party MC said “no one expects the Muppets”. Picture like a violent film and then Fozzy comes out and stabs a terrorist and says “No one expects the Muppets”. It’ll be hard, but I am keeping that line for a rainy day.
The next 40 minutes were an LSD trip far stranger than the one on Mad Men this season because it came from Chris Harrison’s mind. You had Half Damon afraid to public speak because of brain injury. They even pulled out the Creepy Bachelor Theme for his talk about brain injuries. Really, ABC? It’s not scary, you’re just dicks.
Side note, see how Filibuster was super cool about that situation? He’s a good teammate. Emily, that’s how he acts when he gives a shit. He will leave Ricki at soccer practice and bang one of your friends. Don’t be a push over.
You had Kalon, who now is being called either The Talented Mr. Lipstick or Drool Intentions (mid season form, ladies) being all excited for theatre, but then all annoyed he has to be on stage when he sings later. You had Emily and Kermit in some weird fucking cheating fantasy for Kermit. You had Harrison kicking it with Waldorf or whoever and I was pretty sure my wife had slipped mescaline in my white Russian. What the hell was going on? Then there was a dance routine where Emily looked stiffer than a dead guy planking. Fellas, she might not be fun when the lights go out. Just saying.
One Direction had to propose to Miss Piggy (who by at this point I wished was the Bachelorette) and he totally nailed it. He’s rocking the head fuck that Frank from Ali’s season did and that my homeboy Ben Flajnik rocked Ashley’s season. It’s showing girls you have the ability to give a shit but not specifically giving a shit about them… Yet. Dot dot dot.
That was confirmed at the cocktail hour later when he didn’t even look at her and simply played it coy and said “no YOU’RE making me nervous” then there was a ton of “I’m glad you’re here” and shit. You never expect the Muppets.
Then you had Arie totally nail it and become the front runner, only because he’s nice and confident, has a little Zach Braff in him which is key to winning this show, and he drives racecars and that is what Emily should NOT want, so of course, she’ll want it.
Party MC and the Talented Mr. Lipstick went at it a little bit and even though I agreed with Party MC, it’s hard to watch a dumb poor guy fight verbally with a rich smart guy. It reminds us of middle school or whenever your awkward stage was (mine is right now, I’m a USC Football blogger and bourbon fanatic who covers the Bachelorette, welcome to my awkward years). It was literally like watching Zoolander try to talk shit to Hansel. I got a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite. Yeesh.
Rose went to One Direction. Told you.
Next day at round two of “Naked Guys Sunbathing”, Dad got into it with Talented Mr. Lipstick when the luxury brand consultant sort of talked shit about leaving Dad’s kid at home to be on the show. My friend pointed out how weird it was that Dad talked about tucking his kid in and he’s 12. I didn’t catch that, but I did notice how this week the kid was made to be extra old and how he gave his Dad the “you gotta get out of the house and find love again” speech. Your kid isn’t a Hilary Duff movie, Dad. You don’t tuck him in and he doesn’t give you love speeches. Just stick to lifting weights and having a kid. That’s your sweet spot.
By the way, when he got pissed, he totally talked shit like a Dad, which is scarier than a gangster. He was saying like “back up and apologize” with a smile. Talented Mr. Lipstick shit his pants which sucked for everyone in the hot tub. Dad got all True Blood vampire puffed out for the occasion. He may not know how to make up stories about his son, but pretty sure he could pull the face off of a douchebag from Dallas.
Second date is with Dawson’s Geek. He came out wearing some shirt that defined “shirt you see at store and immediately know you can’t pull it off even in Las Vegas surrounded by people on blow”. Didn’t stop Dawson.
Unlike Dawson from the show, this guy had nothing to say. He just smiled, repeated what she said, nodded, derp herr de durr, and then got on a private plane to go to ONE OF EMILY’S FAVORITE PLACES?!?! Yes… Maybe somewhere cool?
West Virginia? Mehhhhhhhhhhhhh. Isn’t that where they filmed Deliverance? Fuck.
So they go to this hotel that only someone from West Virginia could think was cool. It had a creepy indoor pool, weird wallpaper everywhere and astroturf on a balcony. I get that people sometimes think shit like that is amazing, but it isn’t. I am sorry. Call me new fashioned, but give me the fucking Four Seasons, waiters that love being ignored and no “love clock”. Fuck that love clock. But really, considering what was coming, fuck Emily putting something in the love clock. You could have skipped that part if you were really going to drown Dawson in the creek. I know when Lady Veneers figured out she didn’t love a dbag in a pink plaid shirt she cried because it would hurt his feelings, but let’s keep it real here, if you cared that much you wouldn’t have made him fill out a card for the love clock two seconds before dumping him BEFORE THE FUCKING FIREWORKS SHOW.
Dawson’s Geek was shocked. It felt out of left field. But then again, you never expect the Muppets.
I think it is cold shit to make someone check out the love clock and then note let them see the fireworks. Whatever.
Rose ceremony was highlighted by Harrison’s shirt/tie combo. Plaid on plaid? Insanity. He definitely picked it out when staring in the mirror during his Muppets “trip”. Harrison, can we just kick it already. Stop fronting. We could run this city.
No one interesting got kicked off. They kept Party MC just to keep Talented Mr. Lipstick on his twinkle toes.
As I predicted, Emily is a boring ass Bachelorette. She’s super hot (but Ms. Piggy had better teeth and she doesn’t have teeth) and she seems nice enough, but she’s trying to hard. Be the southern girl who got preggers way too young and chased race car drivers. Let the Ricky Bobby out and this season has a chance. And if I don’t get a helicopter that YOU chose in the next two weeks, it will be hell to pay. Currently “I’m not glad your here” and there “are lots of places in the world I’d rather be”.
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