Right off the bat there was a random duck shot followed by One Direction doing that pump-up-run-skip move that boy band members do before they break into synchronized dance to “let the crowd know it’s about to happen”.
Then Chris Harrison told them they were going to Bermuda and what better place to act like a nerdy group of UCLA frat boys than Bermuda. Where there’s a triangle. Where I hope they all get sucked so deep into the abyss that only James Cameron has the means to find them.
Ok. Lady Veneers. STOP TALKING ABOUT RICKI BOBBI. I get that you want to find a dad for her. I definitely get you want to procreate more because it’s all you talk about. Let’s just be real. Flying a kite with your daughter for 20 seconds before spending a week making out with strangers does not a good example make. Nor is it good to have her help your bathroom getting ready ritual. Ricki will be spray tanning, putting in extensions and wanting to make out on the beach constantly. Whatever, at least she’s rich. No one expects the Muppets.
Stop. Scooter time.
If Emily wasn’t turned on enough by her journey to find love in Bermuda, the oven was preheat to “self-cleaning” when a gaggle of scooter douches took over the road. A male scooter scene couldn’t turn on a sex addict. Of course we were treated to the amazing, obligatory “we pulled up to the Starrose Lazer Tag Ranch” plug. I forget the name of the hotel and god knows I am not kicking them a dollar of press (unless they treat me like Chris Harrison and give me rooms and a promise that when I close my door, all screams coming from inside will be ignored).
I can’t take the guys wooping it up about the room or posing on the balcony. At least Speed Racer had some fun pretending the date card was for him, then headfucking Dad for like 20 minutes straight. Doug is turning into total creep show murderer potential. I don’t believe him at all at this point. A commenter mentioned he had a domestic abuse charge in his past, but I didn’t care enough to verify. Either way, Dad has a super awkward habit of finding ways to casually flex no matter what he’s doing. Kind of like how Filibuster has a super awkward habit of having a face you want to smash with a tack hammer.
Seriously Arie, just let it go, bro, seriously, kay, just let it go, bro, seriously? Fuck Dad, I am over it.
So, Lady Veneers insulted me by going the vague Asian market route with this date even though they were in the Caribbean. Yayayayaya let’s go try perfumes so Doug can say “that’s actually really nice” or do further things to make me want to let cars run over my junk in the parking lot. Then they sit in front of a church and Doug talks about starting a charity (for what, asshole) and that “Superman wasn’t going to show up” and I hoped some pirates showed up and stabbed him in the leg and robbed him.
You can’t trust a man who says “Oh my god, let’s do it!” when she suggests writing a letter to his son that will only confuse him. This isn’t Sleepless in Seattle. This is Bachelorette in Bermuda. Superman wasn’t going to show up.
Can you assholes get on a fucking helicopter already?
We found out Nasty Nate doesn’t want to be on the two on one date which means he is damned to go on the two-on-one date and fail miserably. When in a two-on-one battle, you need to fucking want it. You need to go in and just cut the other guys throat with your witty banter and then put him on an awkward defensive, but as you saw later, Nasty Nate needed no opponent to totally shit his pants. He had everything he needed to do that himself.
So meanwhile Doug got the creepy Bachelorette music when he was unable to give his faults beyond “I am too good at being a Dad”. Then Lady Veneers tried to show him she had faults but she did the same damn thing. Really, Chompers? I am sure the world is so pissed when you wear juicy pants out to the dry cleaners. We’re pissed when your fat neighbor does that. Doug, a good place to start with listing faults might be that internet news sites are claiming you assaulted your ex-girlfriend with a weapon. So, if she really was complaining just that you didn’t wash her car enough, I am guessing she was on meth at the time or you misunderstood her while you were choking her. Either way, you didn’t kiss Chompers so you are a total puss. When I was on MTV’s Dismissed in college, I kissed the girl and she wasn’t even my type and it was gross. Superman wasn’t going to show up, Doug. So I did. And I won. And I didn’t have to get accused of beating anyone in the process.
Real quick. Sweaters are Chompers’ sweet spot. Good job Dr. Smith.
So the dudes had to do a sailing competition. Strawberry Lemonade told us he played D1 College Football so he is competitive. And he got his new nickname. TO THE TEPID HIGH SEAS!
Not my fav. Just a lot of dudes jumping around and showing their asses in white shorts. I feel like some women liked it. Women tend to think almost anything is hot if they aren’t used to seeing guys doing it. Like crew. I mean, honestly, crew sounds sexy to women until they really extrapolate that their man is waking up at 4am to get into tights, sit in a line and work out with a bunch of dudes. I prefer working out without a dude straddling me while I am straddling a dude. Maybe it’s a me thing. Superman wasn’t going to show up.
It was massively confusing to figure out who was winning, but despite D1 College Football’s best efforts, yellow team won. I preferred the slutty baseball game from Ben’s season. And then Half Damon started crying because they lost and I have NO IDEA how the music supervisor didn’t drop the Creepy Bachelor Theme.
The night date was all about Filibuster’s super perving. This guy needs to be drowned in a giant bowl of French onion soup, buried under bread and Gruyere. I can’t hang with this dude but at the same time, he has a Tom Cruise in Magnolia kind of magnetism. Veneers hates this bro sandwich and the producers are forcing her to keep him. There’s no question. All he does is that pervy occupy all your time and not let you talk and hope by default you end up sleeping with him. Ladies, you need to stop this. Only you can prevent forest fires and spontaneous douche attacks.
What in hell is this dude thinking? At one point in the cocktail hour he started talking about BEING the Bachelor next time and how America deserves to see it. Honestly, it’s so off, maybe it is on? Like, can you imagine the chauvinistic version of American Gladiators this would become. He’d be like “I like a women to be fit, so this week you all don’t eat”. It’d be genius. No one expects the Muppets.
One Direction had some more of his good, vague stony game. It totally worked, again, and he got the rose. He occupies this weird loophole in society where so much about him screams “total dipshit” but he somehow is able to stop the car short of going on the rails all the time.
Speed Racer is a gross ass kisser. He’s a tongue leader. He’s an over knee-tickler. At least he’s going for it. Except no one likes kissing and walking, same time. Come on.
Let’s cut real quick to Ricki swimming. Sigh. JUST CUT TO A HELICOPTER I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU I MAY FIND HEY BEAR AND LEAVE A FISH HEAD IN HER CAR. So long as Assassin wasn’t around. JP can kill a man.
Anyway, the Two on Juan battle was between Wolf, the Data destruction specialist (who I now am calling Landon Datavan, seriously, it’s our finest soccer star if our finest soccer star had a deeper voice and more hair) and Nasty Nate. This date just sucked. They jumped off a cliff, barely talked and in the end, Nasty Nate had two critical sins:
- While quinoa is a difficult word for non-Californians, don’t say it unless you overhead the correct pronunciation at Whole Foods. To say Quinn No Wah eight times on television is a deal breaker for girls and if that seems harsh, you don’t know girls and your wife/girlfriend/girl you can’t get would rather be with me, who can pronounce quinoa, or simply, wouldn’t mention it to begin with.
- Don’t cry when you talk about your brother unless he is dead, dying or fighting in a war somewhere. Your brother being a great guy shouldn’t cue the waterworks. It just didn’t make sense. I know you were trying to fit a lot in at once, and look, you sure did, but crying wasn’t the tactic.
- Fuck it, I am adding a third. He stole Zach Morris’ neon t-shirt under a blazer look, but used a khaki blazer. God hates people in khaki suits. Try to remember a time anyone won anything in a khaki suit outside of a golf course or midwest insurance award ceremony.
All Landon Datavan had to do was punch a through ball passed a sleeping goalie. And he did, by being normal. At least Nasty Nate can go see his brother now.
The best thing about Emily is that she dumps people colder than anyone. I thought my homie Ben dropped girls hard. Nope. Emily will cut you without blinking.
The cocktail party was kind of random. Highlights included me getting bored, Filibuster wasting more of our time, and the Talented Mr. Lipstick’s casual billiards attire.
Closing the loop from the earlier confrontation about Spidermehhh’s age, he decided the mature thing to do was pull Dad aside and have a confused, whiny conversation about demanding respect because nothing shows maturity like demanding respect. Spidermehhh. Men TAKE respect, they don’t whine for it. This was like the Hulk and Spiderman getting ready to fight, only it just rained, which was probably God peeing on them because they both suck.
Lady Veneers and Chris Harrison talked and Chris was just really stoned this time, nothing hard yet, too early in the season. His eyes were tired and he kept laughing at everything and slurring his words. If you turn the volume off and picture the conversation being about the new Hobbit movie, you will see it.
Emily cut Half Damon and Brony Tail. It was a mercy kill for Half Damon. I am glad he is set free. Like I am. Until they go to London next week and I am forced to entertain you more. It is my calling and Superman isn’t gonna show up.
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