Guys. I was dead wrong. I’ve turned my nose up at Lifetime network since I was a kid. I feel like a saw an after-school special type film about drugs once and then just fell into the stereotype that all their films offered nothing to society. I went to the best film school in the world, became a Mad Man and worked with monster brands and started the greatest blog in the history of the universe and still, I was blind to the truth.
After a night in Silver Lake that featured 100+ proof bourbon at all turns, a Mexican restaurant decorated in freakishly patriotic 4th of July attire, soup that featured alphabet letter noodles somehow repurposed, hallucinogenic margaritas, a bouncer that made even a leather-hearted barhopper like me uncomfortable, glowing red Chinese lanterns, displaced Swedish thrill seekers, drinks in tiki mugs, jukebox terrorism (we were the terrorists) and a fearless walk through the night lizards up a steep hill to be rewarded with the lion’s share of Machete on television, nothing could shake my foundation more than my Sunday night experience.
My wife is in the Pacific Northwest and I woke up on 3 hours sleep to play in my corporate softball game (of course we won, yes I went 3-3 with 2 rbis) and then spent the rest of the day trying to figure out if I wanted to sleep or be awake. The conditions were perfect for magic.
I ordered enough Chinese food for five people and picked it up in red and gold awful 2010 NBA All-Star Game basketball shorts Adidas gave me back in the day and a grey shirt with neon colors that I bought before my band played back in 2008. I scared all the old people finishing up their 5pm dinners. You needed a retina display to full appreciate the amount of color I was sporting. Plus I smelled like baseball diamond and Angostura bitters.
I was entrenched on the couch really owning being a total piece of shit on a Sunday. I didn’t think the movie gods could love me any more when National Treasure was starting because between Diane Kruger (yes please) and Nick Cage just being Nick Cage, this was the level of D- entertainment I wanted before kicking off a rigorous work week.
Only when attempting to change the channel I mistakenly typed in the wrong number (if you have a Time Warner Cable box, you know the feeling, it’s like as responsive as a broken drive thru window system). I landed on Lifetime and was treated to this man:
Rapist glasses, a porn stache and thinning red hair? He was being lured to a poker game with his three buddies from the steel plant and spoke with a lilting MacGruber-like tone accompanied with an occasional lisp and head wobble. It was transfixing. This guy was the most socially awkward character of all time. I kept thinking “who is this alien these steel workers are hanging with and why does one of them look like an early 2000s boy band member”. Regardless, this film followed the same strategy I’ve always used with women. Just keep talking. Like a bad movie, if they invest more than 20 minutes, they’ll probably watch the whole thing.
Luckily, my wife wanted to see the sequel. Maybe not after this post. Tried to explain it to her on the phone. No one takes this kind of endorsement seriously. You should. This film is on point. It’s a must.
So I hit the info button. This film is called “Talhotblonde”.
It’s directed by Courtney Cox from Friends. Legit. Her first directorial attempt and guess what. She hit a fucking home run backwards. She wanted to knock it over the center field wall. She instead fouled it backwards 450 feet onto the freeway and all the cars crashed and naked models got out of these cars and put out the fires with a wet t-shirt party. You don’t understand how unintentionally funny this film is.
This beaten down red-headed steel worker poker enthusiast gets prodded into trying “online poker” with his friends and our pervy hero is like “I don’t do the internet much, I mean, we have a computer”. He’s told to “enter this into your browser” and he literally goes home and Googles AllBetzOff.com and then gets a link to AllBetzOff and he creates his screenname “MarineSniper” which is key because this is a Lifetime movie and we need to know he’s wanting to be the man he was when he was a young marine guy.
He’s online and randomly some woman named “TalhotBlonde” starts chatting him and they Chris Hansen into love in like 3 minutes. Now, you need to watch this clip so you understand what kind of movie this is. Spoiler alert, this is from later when the film is laugh-a-minute amazing and he is cold buggin’.
Can you deal with that? When he types, he talks out loud with a lisp. There’s a montage of him driving and freaking out that seriously rivals anything Jim Carrey has ever done. I recognize this actor was in soap operas and had a role in No Country For Old Men, but if he doesn’t win an Emmy for Funniest Shit Ever, I am destroying my television set.
The story predictably gets out of hand. MarineSniper (my new word for a guy that perves hard on a girl) starts working out, obsessively playing online poker (which he treats like he’s going to Narnia, made me miss the old internet dial-up days), exchanging letters with this girl and for real asking her to marry him.
She sends him a care package he reads in the forest (not kidding) with some racy photos and a pair of her underwear (yes he sniffs it, this is a first class B movie) and he figures out switching SIM cards on his phone to be able to call her and shit. He buys a laptop and the family is low on money. It gets real in the Whole Foods Parking Lot.
This movie cannot be ruined. I could have read the script and there’d be no way to see how funny this film got. All credit to Garret Dillahunt who I recognized but clearly have been sleeping on. Fucker needs to be in a comedy right now. This performance was the most hilarious creepster since Jim Carrey did Cable Guy.
There’s a scene where he basically pleases himself on his balcony while playing online poker that I am sure was supposed to be dramatic, but for me it was the missing scene from Animal House.
So, just to ruin this thing for you, he gets caught because his wife logs into his laptop in the worst hacking scene of all time, she tries everyone’s name as a password then truly cracks the code when she tries “semper fi”. Nice call, marine. He has to sleep in the garage and shit and then of course, right when it gets better, he trips out.
I’ll spare you the details, save his boy band friend is gonna start dating this girl and then Dillahunt gears up marinesniper style and literally shoots his friend in the face. Then he takes the kids camping and gets arrested.
Ultimate shocker? In interrogation he finds out TalHotBlonde isn’t the daughter. IT’S THE PERVY MOTHER PERVING ON HIM JUST LIKE HE WAS PERVING ON HER!
I almost lit my couch on fire I was laughing so hard until I Googled the film and realized I am a shitty person in a big way. Why?
IT’S BASED OFF A TRUE STORY.
Crap. Condolences to the real people involved. This went so hardcore so fast. I felt kind of bad until I remembered how hilarious this film was and now that I am writing about it, is it possible Courtney Cox was an idiot savant film director? I haven’t reviewed a film since The Hunger Games and I LIKED THIS FILM MORE. Sure, not for the reasons the director intended. Sure, I thought this was a comedy until the gun came out at the end. Sure, every commercial aired was for this (seriously).
But let’s keep it real. I watched it, I cracked up and I am now telling you to watch this shit. Maybe it is the comedy of the year and if anyone out there thought “hey, I should have an affair in an online poker room”, you will probably think twice.
Also, I got my Halloween costume forever.