Guys, this program his hit an all-time low, but that doesn’t mean you should lose hope. Each week the top comment I receive is that at this point you are just skipping the show and reading the blog. While I hope we have a better season in 2013 assuming the Mayans were wrong and we all survive (the boring quotient of this show this season certainly feels like a foreshadow of a fiery apocalypse), I am not going to let you down. I am going to entertain you to the point of infatuation. We’re seeing this thing through.
Superman wasn’t going to show up. Zack was.
Let’s get down to business. We’re in Prague, one of the most “historic” cities in all the world (along with every other city in Europe and Asia). From the beginning it was obvious there were serious issues with filming here. A theme for the episode was that everything looked abandoned. This is like the fifth fucking time we are treated to a douche circus in an empty castle. Stop fucking with the formula guys. You are doing this all wrong. Hire me. I will fix this shit.
We were treated to Lady Veneers running around the city talking about missing Ricki Bobbi (derp) and how she feels true love and confidence and sorry, I started tuning out looking around to see if there was a hot, blonde Czech girl we could plug into this journey to spice things up. I swear even just having someone with a faint grasp on the English language could make this show more interesting.
Chris Harrison showed up VERY spry, like fresh from rehab spry, like coming down from mushrooms spry, and made the guys stand REALLY far away from him in a giant square. He laid out the rules and that basically since hometowns were at stake, this was the most important week in the history of their insignificant lives until next week when they actually have to put their inbred, broken home families on national television.
I love how everyone thinks their family is great. Like, if you meet MY family, there’s no way you won’t want to be with me. How often is that the case on this show? I think back to Chantal’s ridiculous house in Seattle and her silicon enhanced mother (not really complaining about that part) and the kitchen she used to stress binge eat (whatever, I was into her). Or how about Kirk (right?) whose father had like 3000 dead, stuffed animals in the basement? Or poor Kacie B., whose parents possibly are still holding out hope that the Confederacy wins the Civil War. They probably saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter and rooted for the fucking vampires.
So, yeah, guys. Your family may be a BAD thing. But go ahead, make an ass of yourself in Prague (cue your asshole well-traveled roommate to remind you, again, that it’s Praha. Fuck you. I’ve done advertising for Czechvar beer. So international right meow.)
Real quick, Praha was so jacked up that the hotel even sucked. Any time they stick guys in a pinkish suite that doesn’t feel super big and over looks a garden (an expansive one, thanks Strawberry Blonde and congrats on using your “word of the day calendar” word), they couldn’t get a room at the W. This was the worst suite I’ve seen on this show and by the fact that this show was basically devoid of locals lets you know this city basically Czeched out.
Date one was with Speed Racer who looked like he was infected by an alien parasite. His eyes were red and his face looked all smashed up. It’s like he just got out of makeup to play a dead guy in Prometheus with my homeboy and stunt double Fassbender. That didn’t stop him from making me watch him kiss Lady Veneers so much I hoped she had her Polident in.
Then there was this stuuuupid ass thing where there was for the 1000th time some statue or clock or whatever that means something and Emily makes everyone pay attention. I feel like this girl goes in a giftshop and buys every snowglobe on the shelf. Stop with this shit and ride a helicopter. Stop fucking with DNA. How did that work for the people in Jurassic Park? Ride helicopters, jump off buildings and get naked in hot tubs in the Caribbean.
The really dumb part of this was that Arie apparently years ago dated a producer on the show and no one brought this up to Lady Veneers which was a bad call because this chick trips out at things like this. So, she tries to get him to tell her but he doesn’t, probably because the producer is making more out of this than he was. I base that on the fact that when she came on camera she was, how do I put this delicately… Not attractive.
Emily, it’s sweet you are tripping, but I’m calling the producer out on this. She was in Scottsdale hammered at a bar in a strip mall with a one word name and bottle service and Arie was there and hammered on some sexually named shot that no man should drink and he went home with the average looking producer who was having a YOLO type of night.
The only cool thing about this segment was Chris Harrison giving us two awkward speeches “in the interest of full disclosure”, because this show is such a trustworthy news source. Thanks, Chris, for a minute I thought this was Frontline on PBS.
Veneers basically told Arie he got a hometown date. His race to lose. NEXT.
Spidermehhh is tripping balls he won’t get a one on one date and like I said, his face is shitty to look at. I want to rub a cheese grater on it after he gets emotional. I know you do too. That’s why I love you. Let’s cuddle in space.
Landon Datavan gets the solo date and it’s more awkward than a vegetarian finding out that vegan mock chicken taco is actually not fake or real chicken, it’s a human toe taco. Wow, that was a random analogy even for me. You never expect the Muppets.
I like the Wolf. I’d kick it with him if he lost the khakis and belt, which I am pretty sure the producers told him were okay to wear (they aren’t). Like, nothing is working on this date. They go to the 1000th dungeon or castle for the night date. Nothing happens except a sob story about Wolf getting cheated on. Tip for my male readers. Being cheated on, serious family even, etc, none are turn ons until AFTER the girl thinks you are confident and cool. Here’s how it works. People respect you more when they find out bad things happened to you AFTER they think you are a badass. Like, wow, he’s a badass AND he survived the Titanic sinking? Let’s have sex in a hot tub. If you tell people as a lead in, they just feel bad for you. Friend zone. Also, you will never truly punish your ex if you lead with the cheating line. If you lead with it, the person on the date just thinks you are boring and deserved it. You have to live well and then when it comes up later on after he/she is into you, they just assume your ex was a bitch/douchebag who didn’t have their shit figured out.
Timing is everything. There’s a reason Paul Bunyan said that. (He didn’t say that)
Landon Datavan still thinks he did great because he kissed her and given the inner turmoil that Spidermehhh is going thru, it’s safe to assume he may have a chance to be the guy who loses next week.
Strawberry Blonde had a dumb montage where he pretended to vaguely search Praha to find Emily as if the producers didn’t orchestrate this douchebaggery. Of course, he finds her standing in an empty castlely tunnel and she makes a dumb ass face, they pretend to get a beer, she rubs his arm so much it became aroused and then they kiss with a lot of tongue for like 20 minutes. Czech please.
Anyway, group date.
Hey, I know. Let’s go to another fucking castle.
Seriously? Are we seriously now having date one be “walk around below a castle” and date two is “eat in dungeon beneath castle” and date three is “let’s go to a castle”? This is a fucking insult and to top the taco we abuse two horses that have to pull500 pounds of muscle head dudes up a cobblestone hill? How about take a helicopter and don’t hurt a horse. ABC, you better Czech yourself before your wreck yourself.
This date predictably sucks. It’s rainy.
Dad is all head-injury weird and Veneers is just like, let’s talk. She is trying to dump him, but using the same judgement he used when he threatened his girlfriend with a firearm (in fairness, it wasn’t loaded, that’s love) and gave Emily the most friend-zone kiss I ever saw including my first kiss in middle school (she exploded, I am so handsome and smart and funny, let’s all celebrate my birthday early right now).
She sends Doug home and I am glad I can stop talking about him. Superman wasn’t coming and apparently, his “A” game wasn’t either. Next time, threaten her with a weapon.
Later in the castle, Spidermehhh freaks the fuck out, cries a little and somehow didn’t get the Bachelorette creepster theme. Apparently Veneers is putting them to sleep also.
Final date is with One Direction, whose cutesy game is finally starting to wear me down (like the insistence that all men on this show wear blazers with elbow patches). They buy marionettes and then go to a library that looks like it is in a castle and do a whole skit about falling in love and I give One Direction credit, he’s good at working a marionette. Weird, no wonder Emily is digging him. Here’s a Chloe bag. Douche.
They start talking about family and all that and he basically mentions his parents are super committed to something in South Carolina. It’s being Mormon mission commanders, meanwhile Jef is clearly not practicing being Mormon because he swears a lot and I feel like he drinks too, but I can’t remember because every cocktail party on this show has sucked. I support all faiths and all everythings, I just am making a fair warning. This is not going to go well.
I know Jef isn’t practicing, but he makes it clear if his parents aren’t all in, neither is he. Are his Mormon parents going to be stoked he’s bringing home a girl who selected him via drunken gameshow by making out with 20 dudes? Or how about when they see the episode where he says “I wanna date you hard and marry the shit out of you”. Next week should have potential to be interesting. Finally.
Rose ceremony time. Emily is deadset she knows what she wants to do, but with just Wolf and Spidermehhh left, Spidermehhh has an extreme bug out and case of unprovoked man tears and literally calls a time out during the rose ceremony where I am pretty sure he whined his way into the rose. I have never seen someone so annoyed to give a rose as Chompers was. Even worse, I have never seen a dude so genuinely excited to get a sympathy card. Dude, you are done.
Hometowns bring hope. There won’t be any helicopters, our best chance there is the fantasy suite dates. Watch the show these last few weeks. It’s out last chance. I know I’ll Czech it out.
Here’s some fan love from Courtney and Megan. Thanks for sending this in. Remember people, if you want to be on the blog, you better keep flattering me like this (and the amazing Superman drawing above):
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