We’re rumbling to the finish line. Not in the exhilarating way you come to the end of a jungle zipline tour. More like if you were skiing a double black diamond and your helmet exploded and you started grabbing trees, puppies and children on your way down to slow you explosive tumble. That’s how we’re reaching the finish line.
I think this all is a ploy to make Bachelor Pad watchable. After Lady Veneers “forgoes” everything we have come to know and love about this show, I may literally need to just see people half-naked acting gross and competing all cut throat just to restore my faith in the “journey” for next season. Many of you picked on my homebody Ben’s season, but in retrospect, he made out with everyone, road horses and tractors and shit, made girls ski in bikinis on the street, climbed bridges, rappelled, hot tubbed and threw down in the fantasy suites. Also, there were at least 14 helicopters. At all times. Apologize to Ben now.
If there was ever any hope for Lady Veneers, it was this week. My favorite week. The Fantasy Suite date (FAHN TAH SEE SUIIIITES!). This is the date where ABC obligates innocent suitors to have sex for a chance to win. This is the hunger games shit right here. This is when young people learn that in order to “find love”, you have to blindly trust that giving up your dignity is the only possible way to ensure your mate will choose you. Behind closed doors in a fantasy suite, suitors are pulling out every move they have learned since that first awkward sexual encounter (awkward for you, I was terrific, they based the film Cinderella Man on my first time) in an attempt to show which sex you want to put a ring on it.
Even better, the dates on this episode almost always take place in the Caribbean or Bora Bora or some shit like that. You get taken to a fucking private island or a boat and act like an asshole dry humping in the water until you are purple skinned and ready to not eat the dinner they put in front of you so you look slim for your all night sexual interview.
Leave it to Lady Veneers to ruin this whole thing and make it a total sob fest. How I didn’t enjoy a surgically enhanced blonde traipsing around the Caribbean breaking hearts for two hours is her superpower. Luckily for you, my super attractive readers, my superpower is calling her toothy ass out for it.
Emily arrives in lovely Curacao (or Cyoorasao as she Southerns it) and tries to say the name of the magical hotel they are staying at because this dumb island decided to admit they were filming here. Clearly they didn’t know the glamour shot treatment Prague and D’Bananas, Croatia got.
We get the standard gauze lensed flash back to what she likes about these guys, so we got to relieve all the boring shit she did and subjected us to. GET READY FOR MORE.
Strawberry Lemonade gets the first date and he’s dressed like a blueberry injected with human growth hormone. My heart skipped a beat when I saw they were going to get in a helicopter. Finally. It was like seeing water after crawling through the desert. No. It was like seeing a helicopter after crawling through a helicopter-less season of this awful girl’s quest to find someone to fail to marry in six months. Hell, two of my readers friggin BOOKED A TRIP and got on a helicopter before she did:
Loving Sam and Josh on their “babymoon”. Eight times cooler than Lady Veneers and they didn’t have ABC footing the bill. Also, notice the helicopter behind them. THAT’S THE RIGHT HELICOPTER. Did you notice the one Emily picked out? It was big enough to carry marines. If they don’t tilt it down all gnarly at waterfalls and play that “we’re on a magic trip” theme, you are just riding in a big van with a propeller. Way to ruin it Lady Veneers. Be more like Sam and Josh who have huge balls and are committed to finding love, even when pregnant. I love these people.
All these dates are incredibly hard to write about. They were all boring. I appreciated seeing Chompers more naked than usual, but she was also more orange than usual, so it offset any excitement we would otherwise experience. Strawberry Lemonade and her just made out in the ocean and I suffered what was to be his last freakish frog tongue kiss. I hope he never goes on television again and I hope you guys out there learn what an asshole you look like when that’s your go to kiss. She’s not an ice cream cone, bro. One Direction has the biggest nose I have ever seen, literally it has angles I didn’t think possible on a human face and he can still figure it out.
Strawberry Lemonade was all “I love you” and wrote Ricki a letter she will never read, until she watches this show later in life on YouTube when all her guy friends talk about her MILF mother and then she figures out her mother kissed half of the eastern seaboard on a quest to meet that guy who was around for 8 weeks.
Then came the most hypocritical thing I’ve seen on this show. Chompers’ treatment of the fantasy suites. She basically said she would go to the fantasy suite, but not have any sex with anyone because it would set a bad example. This, of course, makes perfect sense because leaving your kid at home to travel the world making out with strangers on national television is totally the perfect example to send your child. With YouTube, it will be the gift that keeps on giving, Veneers. Smart play.
Either be prude the whole time or don’t. You can’t fish for compliments, make out sessions and declarations of love with multiple dudes on a television show only to play high and mighty about the fantasy suite. Everything we’d think about Veneers if she cashed in with a hayride we already think. Pointless.
We get it though. You’re a mom.
Next date was with One Direction who at this point, just repeats everything Emily says back in a cool “I could be down” sort of way. Girls, please see through this. You were warned in 40 Year Old Virgin in the speed dating scene “Are you a retard?” “Do you want me to be a retard?” If Apatow is up on it, you know it’s not brand new.
Emily’s like “we’re going on that boat?” and One Direction is like “Oh, that boat? We’re going on that boat?” and this is their conversation the entire time, unless he is reciting poems that would only fly in a Channing Tatum film. His video testimonial where he says “when we were on the ferris wheel in London I never wanted to come down and when we were on the floor in Prague I never wanted to get up”… Run, bitch. In ten years when his eco-water line dies because bottle water turns out to be the cause of civil unrest in Africa, you will be left with a dude who knows what a Chloe handbag is and repeats everything you say. You’ll get home from the gym and he’ll be watching The Vow and then want to talk about it all night. Get out now.
One credit to One Direction was the fantasy suite move. He basically fronted the frontmaster as my friends say. Emily was going to be all “I’m a mom” and instead, he’s like “YOU’RE A MOM”. Chompers was kind of pissed because more than “being a good mom”, she wants to be a tease. Also, Jef said something about “bridling their passions” and I was pretty sure he was a virgin.
Date three was with Speed Racer and all they did was make out. All Chompers did was talk about how much she liked making out with Speed Racer. All he did was lick his lips a lot before kissing her. Let’s cut to the chase. When the fantasy suite component came up, Emily never even suggested it because basically she wants to bang this dude back to Scottsdale. She didn’t want to hang out without cameras because she was going to give it up like a foul ball at a baseball game to the 8 year old you knocked over to catch it and then everyone boos so you smile and just give it up without hesitating. I mean, I bet they had secret phone sex that night.
NEWS FLASH VENEERS. Ricki will see this and you talking about how hard it was to not have sex was more obvious than when they just take the fantasy suite and close the door. I mean in those scenarios MAYBE nothing happens. In this scenario, it was clear. If they closed the door, you were opening your legs. Which is cool, just don’t pretend you are better than us. I mean, you literally started crying about not getting to have sex with him. I called it early. Arie FTW.
Now, the worst part. Harrison showed up in “Caribbean coke party casual” attire and then watched Emily cry for the final 30 minutes of the show. There’s no crying in baseball and there should only be a little crying in bachelorette, like when someone gets booted. All this crying is just ruining her chance with whoever wins.
They cried, watched testimonials, the whole time Veneers was making a face like she ate too much jerk chicken and needed some stool softener. It was like she was watching a show about puppy torture, which is kind of what watching her season of the bachelorette is like.
In the end, she cuts Strawberry Lemonade. You knew Arie was safe because he and Harrison dressed as twinsies. Strawberry held it together pretty well all things considered, that’s mostly because he knows he’s going back to his mansion in Texas, can stop with the super religious dad rhetoric and just destroy girls that hang out near the golf clubhouse for another year. Good times, baby. Texas, Forever. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.
I don’t cover the bs episode they run next week so I’ll see you in 2 for the finale. In the meantime, check out this AMAZING reader photo!
One other thing for you. Being that I am an international resource for attractive women with poor taste in television, I have an invite for my readers I’d pass along. If you like wine and getting your hair blown out as much as my super attractive wife, maybe you want to check this event out if you are in LA. Don’t forget to RSVP.
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