When we tuned in to the finale and were told by a smiling, hopped up just to make it through the show Chris Harrison that this would be a very special “live THREE-HOUR” finale, our hearts sunk. Nay! That is too pedestrian. There’s no hyperbole to state how sad I was. It was like finding out at mile 25 of a marathon that hey, guess what, we’re making this bitch 36.2 miles now. Our faces literally were the scene from Independence Day where they try using a nuke on the spaceship over Houston and they think they blew it up only the dust settles and it’s still there and the dude is like “target remains, I repeat, target… remains”. Only there was no Will Smith to cheer me up. I’d have to sit through this like a rectal exam.
The live episode consisted of nothing but Harrison leading his roomful of pill-popping disciples through canned camp counselor volume contest games like “who’s a fan of Jef???” and then they’d just cut back to Curacao. Which I am doing now.
Back in paradise, we were reminded that Ricki Bobbi is the center of Lady Veneers’ life. For realz, if you don’t get that she’s the center of her universe, kill youself. With a pizza slicer. Or like, drink the shit they use to inflate your popped tire so you can drive it five miles to the dealership for service. Ricki is the fucking sun, asshole. We are all just spinning around her and we should be grateful as fuck.
One Direction’s game finally became unbearable (although I did dig all his clothes this episode from the green bathing suit I wish I had last Cal gangster pool party I went to, to his not fucking around Mad Men suits. if you are an old reader of this blog, you know I can’t stand when a man can’t wear a suit. it’s like playing baseball, you have to know how to do it. also, learn to tie your tie already. you can wipe your ass, you can tie your tie.). Jef literally was pulling the 40 Year Old Virgin repeat everything game (“Do you want me to be fucking retarded?”). Like, I admire how his game is effective, don’t get me wrong. Emily says “this beach is pretty” and he’s like “yeah, it’s cool” then he adds something every girl has always wanted to hear like “we should like build a sand castle together and just really enjoy each other forever”. He headfucked her on the Ricki meeting line, although, I gotta say it.
This whole shit felt contrived and the loser was Arie. She knew she picked Jef and wanted to look better about it and faked the whole I may not introduce anyone to Ricki, I may not get engaged thing. She seemed genuinely like she didn’t want to crush a man’s soul on national television, but is that the bar we’re setting? Hey, I don’t want to kill a puppy in front of a bunch of Kindergarteners. Does that mean I am a good person?
So the contrive a whole thing to show One Direction is TOO GOOD and it literally made Emily know JUST THEN and now she JUST CAN’T make Arie propose and she DOESN’T KNOW what to do. And still, they fucked Arie so brually I thought I had ordered an adult film off OnDemand.
Jef did get to meet Ricki and it was sweet enough. Somewhere at the bottom of all this snocone flavored with toilet water is a little girl who deserves a father and I hope One Direction is that guy, super TOMS water company and trips to Africa aside. I want that for Ricki. Hell, I want Emily (or anyone ever to be on this show) to end up with anyone in a normal sense. Still, there was so much planning to make this seem normal, I felt, well, unnormal. It’s the concept of Uncanny Valley, which normally applies to CGI representations of humans. Basically, the closer it gets to looking human, the more fucking uncomfortable we get. Bachelor in a nutshell.
Watch this shit and tell me you don’t feel this way at least once a season:
Let’s jump back to Emily’s family. YES! This was the first true perfect example of how this show is supposed to go. You had the date who didn’t bother to dress up because just being on camera ain’t no reason to be “fussy”. You had the mom who had held up well except for her voice which was so dripping in North Carolina nicotine that she sounded like a she’d been gargling honey. At one point she said “eeny meeny miny moe” and it was like “inaminaminahmo” which I am fairly sure is the state fish of Hawaii.
You had the future sister in law who might be hot if Veneers wasn’t crafted in a lab of hotness, so she’s a little pissed in general. Then there was Ernie, the belle of the ball. This dude’s hair was as horizontally combed as One Direction’s was vertically. When Jef was chatting him up, his face looked like he was watching male on male heavy petting (remember, he’s southern). Then suddenly, they bro hugged, which was nuts. He was like BIG RICKY was the best man ever. Wasn’t he 18 and knocked his sister up out of wedlock? That’s so West Virginia. Knew I liked him. The dude had the Mitt Romney fan club look going well. Or like, NASCAR pit crew enthusiast.
He looked so upset until he gave his blessing I was shocked when that night it was like THIS SHIT IS OVER. If it wasn’t over then, it was over when Speed Racer showed up with a box full of flowers he saved from rose ceremonies like when you go home with that girl from college and she has all her prom roses petrified over her bed so as if it wasn’t weird enough getting down in her parents house, you have the ghosts of proms past rating you college-level intercourse.
Back to the future. Speed Racer is dead and he doesn’t know it. Finally, another quintessential bach moment. He is with some woman with no teeth being forced to make a love potion that won’t work. We are made to watch him wonder why his normal kiss first, ask questions never approach isn’t working. Veneers goes for the kill finally and Arie earned this guy’s respect. He was nice, but he didn’t give her any closure either. He politely peaced out, but let me remind you guys this is the Hunger Games. Just because this season tried to be adorable and about being a single mother doesn’t mean they let more than one fucker out alive. Arie, explosion, your picture in the sky, play the mother fuckin Panem national anthem. At least the muttations didn’t get you. Yet.
They tried to make it out like there’d be no proposal, but it was just more BS. You knew the deal. Jef made it happen and their super weird relationship begins in earnest. The country was so smitten with Jef. I mean look, I’d kick it with the guy. He’s kind of the guy you ask to do you favors with no expectation of him asking you for any. And maybe that’s what Veneers wants, although she wanted a guy with edge. The guy is an ex-Mormon guy who owns a charity bottled water company and lives in Utah. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if that’s edge I hope you don’t need to slice anything with it.
After the final rose, I was ready to induce sleep, but like the Romeo and Juliet kind. They are together, hooray! They are going to Africa, good on them. They are moving to Charlotte because Jef can work from anywhere (or by the look of his ranch, he’s independently wealthy).
The worst part was Arie’s story about flying to NC and leaving his diary. Then she didn’t even read it. I love Speed Racer now. Like, getting kicked in the dick on ABC was so good the first time, I came on the air and admitted to a weak move just to make sure the next kick didn’t miss the other nut. Sheesh.
I keep hearing Roberto is the next Bachelor, but I don’t know. Arie deserves a shot. He got his ass kicked by a hot girl. Let’s let him ride helicopters and make out with tons of people.
Speaking of which, kudos to Emily’s line about it being like real life “she dated all his friends”. Maybe there’s hope for Chompers yet. We’ll see.
And that’s the end guys. I want to take the opportunity to thank you all for the insane response this year on the blog. Every season it grows and I appreciate you spending your Tuesdays with me. I am a guy who used to blog about whiskey and being an asshole. Then I blogged about USC football and that really is my passion, that school and those fans. I honestly started doing this as a joke with my wife, but now, my “offseason” is my second season. I really have a good time, even when the season is this bad. I remain hopeful for next year.
If you aren’t following me yet, do so especially on Instagram because that content is just me, not football or tv or anything. I mean, I made a mask out of a tortilla the other day. My wife was really stoked…
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So, I encourage you to stick with me. My USC fans read the Bachelor posts and I hope you read my football posts, even if you hate football. People say to me all the time they read the blog even though they don’t watch the show. Same thing. Either way, I’ll post about other things, especially in the fall when life gets more busy. I hope you stick with me. Either way, you’ll see me after New Years for more coverage. If you are ever in LA, tweet at me. I’ll be drinking somewhere looking super handsome.
Now, let’s send the season out with some amazing user submissions (highlights of my week):
Here’s Hannah and her crew repping Jersey hard!
Next up are my self-proclaimed biggest fans in San Diego (where I met my wife sort of and spent most weekends for a 2 year period), so you may have competition. That said, this is a great start 🙂 Mehgan and her cool friend, love the shirts, oaky chard and helicopters. Nailed it!
We’ve had some doctors and nurses submit, but Audrey and her homie are studying for the bar and taking a timeout for me. As they should.
Lastly, a group of ladies from Laguna Niguel that are tossing compliments my way and so YOU KNOW I ACCEPT THIS ROSE. Thanks Kelly & Company!
See you next season… USC fans… THE BEARFIGHTER RETURNS.