Last year, I spent considerable time attacking Otto the Orange, Syracuse’s mascot, mainly for looking like a pedophile. I mean, he can hide all kinds of drugs and weapons in that baggy costume, so it seemed like a natural angle to take on a school I’ve never paid much attention to and don’t really plan to now.
I did enjoy watching the Orange lose to Northwestern last Saturday while eating eggs benedict in bed and day trading (they open the markets on the weekend for people that eat hollandaise more than 3 times a day, it gives my coat its natural sheen). The game was a shootout, but it was more like watching two children play lazer tag than say, two cowboys dueling on a dusty thoroughfare through an old west town. Every pass, I pictured a kid making lazer noises going “pew pew pew”. It was that kind of shoot out.
I talked a lot of shit about the Carrier Dome, which is like a jungle gym for people with a death wish devoid of air conditioning or common sense. Arrogantly, somewhere in the fine print when we took this home-and-home, I am sure we demanded to never step foot in that hell hole, so we will be playing at MetLife Stadium at the Meadowlands where Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow conduct modeling photo shoots.
It’s good we’re going to the Big Apple to show the east coast what straight west coasting looks like. Also, Barkley can check out some hotels so he knows which one he wants to stay at when he wins the Heisman. He’ll technically be pro by then so I’ll roll out and finally buy the guy a drink. Of bear blood with a rum floater.
Other than that, we’re playing Syracuse. It’s obvious why Syracuse agreed to come play in NYC. One need only look at Wikipedia to understand that it’s hard even for someone from ‘Cuse to get excited about ‘Cuse:
The city has functioned as a major crossroads over the last two centuries, first between the Erie Canal and its branch canals, then of the railway network. Today, Syracuse is located at the intersection of Interstates 81 and 90, and its airport is the largest in the region. Syracuse is a home to Syracuse University, a major research university; the Upstate Medical University and Hospital, the city’s largest employer; SUNY Environmental Science and Forestry and other colleges and professional schools. In 2010 Forbes rated Syracuse 4th in the top 10 places to raise a family.
First things first. When your city is a crossroads and you aren’t Chicago or Dallas (which have their own issues that I’ll get to if we ever play Northwestern or SMU), that means you are famous for people trying to get the fuck out of your city. I mean, it’s pretty rad that it boasts the largest airport in the region. Similarly, I am the best baseball player living in my house. To their credit, being top 4 in best places to raise a family is pretty good. Although, it being a crossroads, perhaps the stat is inflated because everyone who hates it has easy access to the best airport in the region and got out before being examined for this system.
Despite another “don’t let Trojans bet on Trojans” spread, we should be weary of quarterback Ryan Nassib, who threw for more yards than any quarterback on earth last week. That said, when throwing more yards than any quarterback on earth results in a loss at home to middling Big Ten team, you have to like you chances. Unlike Coach Marrone of the Orange who said this about Barkley returning for another season:
“I was one of a couple people that were hoping that he would go on and move on and go to the NFL,” Marrone said during a Big East Conference coaches teleconference. “I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m happy that he came back.”
I’ll tell you who is happy Barkley came back. The dude in charge of trying to sell out MetLife Stadium when have of the players people are coming to see are from Syracuse. Basically, the game is serving two purposes. Syracuse will get to see what it is like to play in a big stadium and USC will get to see what it is like when they graduate to playing on Sundays.
I know it seems like I am taking Syracuse lightly. I am.
It’s clear they will throw the ball at a freakish clip which will show us something going into a Pac 12 schedule filled with teams that will try to air it out, spread us out and a whole bunch of other dirty innuendo-sounding strategies. Just like with the Rainbow corners pressing our WRs last week, I am all for giving our team a chance to get a preview of a look we might get later from a team with better personnel.
Look, Gingersnap McGraw is going to air it out. Robey and McDonald and Co. need to be ready to shag some balls. It’s gonna be like batting practice at Chavez Ravine.
I’m letting Otto the Orange off easy with the pedo jokes just because of Penn State and the fact that I’m saving my best material for Puddles the Duck when we play Oregon. I don’t care how insensitive I am that week. Like, at all.
What’s important about this game is making sure our team can handle a road trip, the big city, room service, hot chicks, city bears and New York pizza. It’s no joke. They may also need to prepare for some of the other things the Big Apple can throw at you. Like models. It’s fashion week. We’re good looking. Do the math.
We need to watch out for restaurants that turn into night clubs, cigarettes that are freakishly expensive, bars that have no name that you have to enter through a telephone booth, small hotel rooms, people leaving to go to the Hamptons, angry people stuck in the city because they don’t have friends in the Hamptons, people from New Jersey, hot summer smelliness, tourist traps, street hot dogs that don’t have bacon wrapped around them, oversized deli sandwiches and Tim Tebow.
Let’s get into it.
USC – 58
Orange – 21
Why so many points for the Orange? Well, it may be hard for our team to recover from the models and oversized deli sandwiches and there are chances of scattered thunderstorms. I know it’s all about prep, not hype but remember you can’s spell “excuse” with out ‘Cuse. It’ll be hot and muggy and models take forever to wake up, especially after the after parties during fashion week and eating an oversized pastrami sandwich. Cuse will come out gunning and it might take us a bit to calibrate.
This is tough. Scattered t-storms make me think he’ll just wrap himself in tin foil and dare the heavens to strike him down like Lieutenant Dan did in Forrest Gump. That said, it’s hot out and I kind of think he’ll just let it rain on him. Same as last week. White visor, white polo, khakis.
2 PT CONVERSIONS
1 of 2
After failing on all three last week, Kiffin will have no control in stopping himself. He will NEED to see us do it. And we’ll fuck the first one up, so he’ll go twice. We’ll convert and go back to being a normal football team until Stanford, which we will not be normal for at all. (You’ll see in the AGP next Thurs).
KYLE NEGRETE PREDATOR DRONES
The cyborg leg is equipped with weather tracking features and the rain will not be an issue. You know how old people can feel rain coming in their achy arthritic bones? Kyle’s cyborg leg can feel it in its fucking Doppler radar that is built in. He’ll use the wind and humidity to intimidate the entire eastern seaboard with 4 punts, each inside the 20.
The Trojans need to take care of business and lead us to 2-0 this week because I have been waiting for a year to write about this Stanford game. I encourage you all to watch the game on TV and if in New York, definitely have some models and oversized deli sandwiches.
I am promising you that next week I will deliver the most arrogant preview I have ever done for Stanford and the Bearfighter doesn’t write checks his ass can’t cash. Believe it. Now buy some shirts.
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