Arrogant Game Preview: Stanford Cardinal

Before I start, my readers are aware this week that my friend Joey Kaufman of the Daily Trojan and I had a little back and forth about whether the arrogant message was detrimental to our team or perhaps, unnecessary anymore.  We disagreed, and perhaps it was just a discussion.  That is all in the past now, he and I have spoken and will continue to be spies on Twitter together.  Please continue being kind, we’re all Trojans.  He’s a journo.  I’m a bourbon-swilling, lazer-riding sociopath.  We each have  carved a niche.  Mine looks like the Grand Canyon, except it looks cooler under a blacklight.

That said, in respect to the few who felt a kinder, more gentle approach was best and in light of the fact that this post may stand the test of time as my most venomous, honey-badgering in recent memory, I wanted to provide an alternate, “non-arrogant, positive” game preview you can view by CLICKING THIS.

Did you click that?  You’re welcome, Daily Trojan.  Shit.  I was just arrogant again, wasn’t I?  Thumbs up.

For the rest of you who want to cut down some trees with little regard for the environment, the ozone, global warming, polar bears (they’re still bears) and people from Nor Cal (Nor Cal Trojans exempt), the rest of this post is for you.

2012 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley has not beaten Stanford.  Enjoy that phrase because time is running out on its accuracy.  Matt has done a lot here.  Hell, just last week he found a way to throw for six touchdowns and under 200 yards, which I didn’t know was mathematically possible.  And he did it in the middle of a tornado and lighting convention.  With Otto the Orange staring at him.

The dude guest DJs at fraternities, finds time to help people in earthquake ravaged countries and I’m fairly certain he’s solved at least one Good Will Hunting-style math equation on a big chalkboard.

But he hasn’t beaten The Farm.  That’s the only Pac-12 team he hasn’t beaten and two of them just were added last year.  And this is a travesty.  I mean, beating the Farm is sort of like in the welcome pack they give football players when they get a full ride to the school.  Welcome to USC, you just beat the Farm by three touchdowns.  Only, somehow, we’re trapped in this alternate universe where nothing makes sense when it comes to this matchup.

The Farm is like avocado for people who don’t live in California.  It’s a seasonal delicacy that sometimes comes into fashion, but then is totally forgotten in the long cold winter.  For almost half a decade now, The Farm has been in season and it boggles minds.  No winter hath ruined their crops.  Will the polarity of earth reverse?  Is the end of the world coming to fruition?  Is everybody taking crazy pills?  Worse, did I take something in college and not realize I’ve slipped into a decade of drug-induced REM?  Is this thing on?

Leland Stanford Jr. University is not a football school, but like many superheroes, they were given a great power.  Two really.  They were given Jim Harbaugh and Andrew Luck.  Slow wide receivers and tight ends?  No worries, the caveman could put the ball in the chest of a man who was not even open.  Lack of team speed?  Harbaugh made up for it by giving them excess of team heart.  And you had to admire that element of what was going on.  You didn’t have to admire how often they went all PDA on national television:

 

 

 

You don’t need to dig for these images.  If you Google “Andrew Luck Jim Harbaugh” that’s all you see.  And you don’t need to pay $9.99 a month or be 18 years old to subscribe.  Just for fun, if you Google “Andrew Luck Geico” you get this:

 

I’m not the only one who thinks it…

But even in these glory days, they were still The Farm.  As a favored team playing a home game, they rushed the field after a last second victory two years ago.  When Curtis McNeal fumbled into the endzone in triple OT last year, the broadcasting team said “Cardinals win”, not even feeling this team at their peak was relevant enough to remember their name isn’t based on birds, rather a color more associated with our school than theirs.

Stanford Indians was badass.  Cleveland is still rocking it.  The Blackhawks and Seminoles and my local fucking high school the Westlake Warriors are rocking it.  Stanford backs down.  Only for five years, they haven’t.

I attribute last year under Coach Shaw to after glow.  It was like when a grandma lifts a car to save a child with pure adrenaline.  The situation gave them old man strength.  With a great QB and Harbaugh’s philosophy still in place, they had barely enough to win.  A hot girl gave them her number and then they went in and aced a public speaking event based on pseudo confidence.

It’s one year later and the QB and the TEs are gone.  Harbaugh is the best coach in the NFL now.  Stanford is, essentially, a Big Ten team now.  They will pound the rock, play sound defense and try to make safe passes.  They will test our patience by holding onto the ball for as long as they can.  That said, they are the running team, but we’re averaging more yards per carry.  And we’re not even trying to hand the ball to a running back unless Kiffin gets bored.  This game will try to play as a filibuster.

I don’t care.  We need to chop down some trees.

We’ve played a lot of great teams in my time following and attending USC.  We’ve even been beaten up pretty hard in a few games.  That said, no one has disrespected USC to the level that Stanford did in the Harbaugh era (or mini-era, he was like FUCK THIS pretty quickly).  Harbaugh made losing feel worse than losing feels.  Harbaugh was so arrogant he was my choice for coach when the Pete Carroll rumors began before sanctions.  I can’t even remember the levels of disrespect it was so disrespectful.  I blocked them out of my mind.  Well, also because we know Stanford’s run over us won’t last.  They know it too.

Save when we decided to hang over 70 of SEC then-powerhouse Arkansas (the McFadden year), USC typically put the brakes on at a point.  Most of my college years when we were dominant, we’d see scores in the 40s and 50s.  Stanford showed no such restraint and I actually respected them for it.  That’s why I hope they understand that on Saturday with everyone suggesting”an upset”, we are going to absolutely go batshit homeless person with Vietnam flashbacks on them.

It’s like a coked-up bat has gotten loose in your cabin and finally it pauses in one spot just long enough that you can smack the hell out of it with a tennis racket.  Stanford is that coked-up bat and after years of an improbable alternate reality where they exert their will on us, they are due for a two-handed cross-court backhand to their face.

I picked on The Farm for rushing the field when they were favored to win at a home game.  I said they should act like they’ve been there before, but they have been reluctant to take on that roll.  I can tell this year in reading their forums and local beat writers.  I think they knew one day the big dog would come back for his bone.  I’m not saying Stanford won’t put up a great fight.  I’m just saying Stanford has no idea how hard the collective USC universe wants to punch them in the face.  I mean, truly punch them so hard in the face they don’t remember getting punch in the face and forget the anomaly these last five years were.

I am trying to think of moments that would describe how hard we want to punch them in the face right now.  Here’s one:

Independence Day.  Will Smith punched this alien right in the face and then said “Welcome to Earf” and I was in like 7th grade at the time and was so fucking jacked up on soda and candy that I punched the kind next to me.  The theatre was cheering.  Stanford, it’s that kind of nobody expected you to come destroy our cities and now we’re so fucking angry that once we punch you in the face the only thing left to do is smoke a cigar kind of punch.  Your fathers will feel this punch in their crotches.

Then there’s Drago in Rocky IV.  This asshole got too comfortable winning and forgot he was fucking with a guy who literally dated a woman who never spoke and trained by beating the shit out of steaks in Philadelphia, the worst city on earth.  That’s kind of like us coming out of sanctions we all knew were BS.  We’ve been with a quiet-ass woman who has social anxiety and we’ve been drinking raw eggs and fighting beef in a freezer for two years and now, this asshole Drago thinks he’s got it made.  Only now, we own a robot, the quiet girl dresses up sexy and talks more and we’ve been training by climbing snowy mountains in the Ukraine and screaming Drago’s name at the top of each one.  You are gonna get punched in the face, Stanford.  Like Drago.  For America.

In film school, they taught us if you are doing something, do it in threes.

So there was the cocky ass demon who rode around on a dragon in Lord of the Rings and he was just getting way too used to fucking people up from the kingdom of men.  So this warrior rolls up on him and he’s like “no man can kill me” and the warrior whips off her helmet to reveal it’s a woman and she just says “I AM NO MAN” and then stabs him right in the face with a sword.  Stanford, someone needs to stab you in the face and I am pretty sure it’s going to be Matt Barkley.  Marqise Lee will probably catch you because all he does is catch touchdowns.  Negrete will be nearby laughing.  And playing Words With Friends on his cyborg leg.  Yeah, it does that too.

It’s just that Stanford’s time must end.  Cindarella needs to go back to cleaning up for her hot Newport Beach sisters that hate her for wearing Crocs in public.  We accept that a generational talent at coach and at QB really gave them a leg up in extending a couple shockers into a small era of “backwards day” in this rivalry, but it’s high noon, time to stare Gary Cooper in the revolver.  Boom, motherfucker.

If you are a Stanford fan, the kind of person who rushes a field when they are favored at home, even if you are the kind of fan who is going to comment on this blog and tell me how wrong I am, don’t tell me you don’t know this is coming.  I smell the fear coming in like the fog off the bay.  It’s like in Starship Troopers when Neil Patrick Harris puts his hand on the alien bug and reads it’s mind and gets all stoked because “it’s afraid”.   It’s getting too movie reference in here, but NPH deserved a shout out.

Found an image.  Thank Barkley, this puts it into context.

Look Stanford.  Every dog has their day, but Saturday is the day you get neutered.  It’s been too long.  Surely, even you miss the feeling of walking out of the stadium, our fight song annoying the hell out of you.  I mean, keep it real guys.  While we’re finally recognized as a prestigious university, I don’t think we’re thinking we should be the flagship academic beacon of the Pac-12 (yet), so don’t you think it’s time you just embrace getting punched right in the face?

Afterwards, we can talk about the iPhone 5 or whatever the hell you do for kicks in Palo Alto (Spanish for “face punch”) and it’ll be cool.  You can tell us how smart you are and we’ll ice our hand (I mean, we punched you in the face, hard).  It’s going to be cordial.  After the face punching.

You’re due.  We’re ready.  Let’s go.  Predictions.

PREDICTION:

USC 38
The Farm 24

Mad respect on this prediction.  I think they hold the ball enough to keep us under 40, but I don’t think they will pass enough to get into the 30s.  Also, it’s hard do your check downs and make your reads when you eyes are watering from getting punched in the face.

KIFFIN OUTFIT:

Weather looks warm for game day.  3 weeks in a row.  White Visor, White Polo, Khakis.  It’ll have to get colder for him to break out the 90s snowboarding gear.  White Knight of the Mountain I call that look.

2 PT. CONVERSIONS:

1 for 1

There will be an opportunity and Barkley will take it.  He wants to punch some faces.

KYLE NEGRETE CYBORG LEG REPORT:

5 punts, all inside the 20, one inside the 7.

We can’t be sure what the extreme weather of colder games will do to the cyborg leg, but so far, it’s perfectly calibrated.  He is the one Trojan exempt from dishing out a face punch.  He can just kick faces.  But as a former linebacker-slash-robotics experiment, he’ll punch a face or two if he feels like it.  Kyle will be the first player ever to punt in a peacoat.  I know this about him.

That’s it.  Ice your knuckles.  Lift some weights.  FTFO fans and players.  Time to welcome Stanford back to Earf.

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133 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

133 responses to “Arrogant Game Preview: Stanford Cardinal

  1. jp

    Crushed it.

    Just ran outside and dropped a 90’s Tyson combo on the first tree I saw.

    FTFO4L

  2. harrison

    most arrogant. FTFO AND WIN FOREVER

  3. ldytrjn

    Andrew Luck is not a Geico caveman. He is, in fact, the son of garden gnomes who freakishly grew to heights unheard of in Gnomia so he couldn’t go into the family business (standing on lawns/in gardens/in fields and scaring away critters with his face). This was his alternative, going to a school everyone calls The Farm so he could at least feel a little less like a disappointment.

    That being said, fuck the farm. Fuck them, fuck their shitty band, and fuck that ridiculous bullshit they call a mascot. They only care about football when their team doesn’t suck. So now that they’re all “invested” again, I say we remind them of what’s what by Barkley throwing for 5 tds, Redd/McNeal rushing for 3, winning the turnover battle 4-0 with a score on defense, and, after we win, our Drum Major will take his sword and go to work on that godforsaken tree. That’s right. I’m calling for 9 Trojan touchdowns. Make it so.

    • Cardinal Feminist

      True. We don’t really care about football. That’s what makes it even more amazing when we win.🙂

    • DVaugn

      The best part about being a Stanford graduate is that even when our football team sucks, we still have over a dozen #1-ranked academic departments. How does it feel to keep losing to a bunch of nerds?

      • Zack Jerome

        you are reading a week old post. do more with your degree. also, i went to USC film school, so I don’t really sweat your #1 ranked depts. I went to the #1 film school on earth to learn to write. and you are reading my blog. must work.

  4. JT

    Negrete is the Chuck Norris of punters.

  5. William V

    Gahhh this is so arrogant and so so accurate! FTFO!

  6. ibet4sc

    The shear arrogance brought tears to my eyes… #FTFO

  7. Jacque Coustou

    Lever up on that -8 line and finance the weekend in Vegas.

  8. Harry_Doyle

    Probably one of your 5 best, ever. “Earf” changed my life today. FTFO.

    • Zack Jerome

      i tried to bring it extra hard today. which is amazing because i always bring it 110% we got up to 130% today. when it’s duck time… bar the door.

      • papabush88

        Zack, I am looking forward to when the Trojans really kick it up a few notches like we saw last year around mid to late season. Because once that happens, USC will be so unstoppable that you may have to arrogantly post a Game Preview and its corresponding Recap before we even play the team. Now that’s arrogant.

  9. IC

    When we leave the farm this weekend, it will look like a Borneo rainforest that just got cleared cut and mulched to make more toilet paper – completely desolate and utterly destroyed.

  10. papabush88

    Kyle Negrete’s cyborg leg works part time as a battering ram for LAPD S.W.A.T. teams

  11. I was just merely enjoying this post then I read this, “we are going to absolutely go batshit homeless person with Vietnam flashbacks on them”. My life was changed forever. Not the way some pre-pubescent teen claims Taylor Swift changed her life but closer to how that trip to Haiti changed the lives of the benevolent Trojans that joined Barkley. A string of words so descriptive I couldn’t finish the sentence through the tears streaming down my face.

    Also: The other more positive Stanford post has a strange charm to it. I almost didnt make it back to this post…

  12. Justin

    Awesome preview…can believe you went to Westlake.

  13. RobRae

    That campus is like a fire marshal’s worst nightmare: all dried grass and kindling. Can’t understand why they’d have a tree mascot, unless it’s for the irony. They should have a brush fire for a mascot.

  14. doo doo

    I hope Stanford poops on the spoiled retards over @ USC. Get an education for all that money!

  15. natlchamps72

    Once again, Way cool….priceless.

  16. jpfoursc

    i want this game to get UGLY… ugly like bath-salt zombie eating the face of an old homeless dude ugly. a score so ridiculously lopsided it has to be a typo ugly….

    FTFO

  17. If we lose, it’s all your fault!! If we win – you can just say I think you’re AWESOME!

  18. Mike Galli

    Spot On! I’m ready to drop a 4th and do 200 pull-ups!!!

  19. balzac hertz

    I can’t make the weekender this year, but , a request – When the game is nearly over, and we are up by 3 touchdowns and trying to get Barkley his record breaking 7th touchdown. I’d like to hear a LOUD chant, thousands of Trojans screaming “What’s Your Deal?”, “What’s Your Deal?” at the top of their lungs. Either that or “NO MERCY!”

  20. Paul Salcido

    USC is Titus Pullo, Stanford is Cicero. Strike hard!

  21. RobRae

    Another reason to dislike the place: they harbor a war criminal by the name of Condi Rice. Show no mercy, SC!

  22. Evan

    More on The Farm being the football equivalent of avocados:
    –About half of it serves no purpose and just ends up getting thrown out because nobody knows what to do with it. And this part is at its core.
    –Almost all people agree that they are much better when mashed up beyond all recognition and mixed in with bits of cardinal and white debris (chopped up tomatoes and onions, or the stains from our away jerseys which are going to be imprinted on them indefinitely due to how hard they’re going to be tackled).
    –And after Saturday, they will also be green. With envy. Of our record. Yeah.

  23. Grove

    Yeah cause Trojans aren’t arrogant at all. This article is retarded and so is the person who wrote it. I couldn’t even get through the whole thing is was so awful. You trojan fans are homos. I think ND and UCLA are gonna beat you guy this season also. SC is too full of themselves just like all the other years they were upset by random teams. And don’t bother responding, I’m not gonna be checking back ever few mins to talk shit.

    • Cardinal Feminist

      This Stanford fan does not appreciate your homophobic and ableist language, sir.

    • Jessica

      Your ignorance speaks for itself. I’d love to know where you went to college, because I will avoid it (and in the future, hiring its alumni) like the plague if you graduated with this kind of atrocious grammar and critical thinking skills. Or you are simply a child angered by your lack of understanding with this blog post.

      Many years we won championships with out a perfect record, get out of here or learn to FTFO.

      “And don’t bother responding, I’m not gonna be checking back ever few mins to talk shit.” This shows that you are afraid of everyone reminding you of your ignorance and pointing out your flawed, ridiculous, idiotic “logic” or rather, lack-there-of. Get a lesson in arrogance and don’t keep up with blogs you fundamentally disagree with, without a sense of humor, because you are in the definite minority here.

  24. Chris

    Hey – I’m a Stanford guy, and I thought this was a great post. Funny as heck. Not entirely wrong (or entirely right). I gotta say though, it’s a real PLEASURE to see you guys so pissed off. Awesome. I hope it’s a great game, and we win in OT again…

  25. mike

    Ah, thank you for this column. $C has been so irrelevant over the past few years (other than loud whining about being punished for cheating), I’d almost forgotten why I and most of the country can’t stand $C fans – at least when you think you’re on top. This was a tour-de-force reminder of the dangers of your football team being decent again. All of southern California (the only place in the world where $C is known for being more than a football factory) braces for a wave of trojan fan douchebaggery and arrogance to sweep over sportsbars if, god forbid, you and your next trojan NFL-flop QB can take down stanford.

    Thank god you have Lane Kiffin as your coach – the living persona of the arrogant, self-entitled trojan stereotype (like this article, which I know is partially in jest… as is this post.) It will all come a-tumblin’ down soon.

    Perhaps like Shaw at Stanford last year (who you claim was living in Harbaugh/Luck’s afterglow. We shall see), Kiffin will slowly come back to earth once he loses his golden boy QB.

  26. Lame Kitten

    38-24 is a punch in the face????? Maybe for a little sissy girl. Come on you can do better than that…..or can you?

  27. Killer as always. Nice Westlake Warriors shout out.

    And where do I get me some of that bat coke?

  28. Stanford Fan

    I’m a Stanford fan. Loved this blog, this is what college football should be about. In fact I’m going to share it with my fellow fans. Cal couldn’t come up with stuff this good even after we beat them 6 in a row or 7 or whatever it was.

    If somehow we manage to win tomorrow, next year is going to go atomic between our schools. Serious, I-will-nuke-you-in-the-face atomic. Both schools’ band halls as collateral damage.

  29. Tommy Trojansux

    All that endless dick-banging, and then you predict a 14-POINT victory? Wow, that’s the most pussy arrogance since Hitler said he would wipe his ass with Poland, then called Stalin for help just in case. USC is in sad decline.

  30. It's 8:33 am, and U$C still sucks.

    “I said they should act like they’ve been there before, but they have been reluctant to take on that roll.” Role*.

    Arrogance requires literacy.

  31. Pingback: USC vs. Stanford #BeatTheFarm - BradCogswell.com - ...in the pursuit of awesome.

  32. The Farm

    21-14. Nuff said.

  33. Tree Man

    Hi,

    Kisses. x4.

    Love,
    Stanford

  34. Big Balls Pete

    Suck a dick sc

  35. jpmd

    scoreboard you arrogant overrated USC pr ick

  36. HaHa

    Guess your hand doesn’t hurt…unless you used it to punch yourself in the face!

  37. 4 years

    scoreboard. enough said.

  38. fUSCk doUSChebags

    Still feeling arrogant?

  39. Grey

    Fuck a face punch, I want to see limbs ripped from bodies and a field flooded with blood

  40. Cards62

    Arrogant??? You and Mike Garrett, the rest of the world knows how lame the condoms are. USC 0, Cards 4: Barkley (no Heisman) 0, Cards 4. Ha, Ho Yuk, tee hee and any other laugh symbol you can think of! Have not had this much fun since the USC game last year.

  41. Kelly

    I love how karma works, when underdogs win, and every morning I wake up as a Stanford student. You might have wanted to punch us in the face but Stanford was teacher who made you sit in the corner and wear a “dunce” hat and that’s much more demoralizing.

  42. Reality.

    Except you lost…

    • TMBonEMBOWAFA

      So now our team is the awakened sleeping giant. Now our team goes on to demolish the bears, steamroll everyone else in the Pac-12, and win the AP title via the Rose Bowl, just like 2003. Fight the Fuck On!

      • Zack Jerome

        fuck the natty. it would have been cool, will be cool if cards shake out… let’s write our fucking name on the wall at the rose bowl for the 30 somethingth time.

  43. Elizabeth

    This must be so awkward for you.

  44. TrojansBreak

    sorry your precious barkley was 0-4 career against us… and that we beat yall, with or without luck. stay classy.

  45. USC, y u so sad?

    I love reading this after beating you guys again! I enjoyed the article, but so sad😥 Maybe next year…not.

  46. STANFORD, BABY

    HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES??

  47. Stanford Cardinal

    Arrogant Stanford person here.

    I think you are confused. You aren’t Rocky, you’re the dead Apollo Creed.

    You aren’t punching us in the face. We are kicking you in the balls.

    The only think you got right is that Barkely yelled “I AM NOT A MAN!”

    We own you. We’ve owned you for 4 years. Can’t wait to rush your field next year.

  48. STANFORD WON

    So happy I just read this after Stanford’s win over USC. Hope you know it’s become a funny thing people post on facebook to make fun of USC and their continued arrogance despite obvious inferiority.
    I am always amazed by the delusional stupidity of USC. It’s AMAZING. Please don’t stop.
    Stanford will always dominate USC in all aspects of life– not just football. GO CARD.

  49. Stanford Alum

    This is really funny now.

  50. Jeremy

    Well….some shitty prediction my friend🙂 USC still sucks Stanford’s balls.

  51. Stanford Fan

    Somebody put their fist in their mouth. Sit down, arrogant Trojan pricks. Oh, are you upset? Yes. You are.

  52. GoCard

    “While we’re finally recognized as a prestigious university…” Ahahahahaha. Hilarious. I’m pretty sure you have to at least be considered better than the local state school before you get recognized as prestigious.
    But on a serious note, please enjoy this gift from the Farm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdGrB3Za4_o

  53. Cool prediction, bro. Over on Premonit, we predicted this game much better than you did (http://premonit.com/event/256/)

  54. #2 Stanford

    HahahahaahahahahahaHA

  55. J

    LOL four years in a row eat it

  56. Eric

    Who got punched in the face? It wasn’t Stanford.

  57. Cardinal

    This article is absolutely hilarious to read after seeing the results of the game. Go Stanford.

  58. John B

    Well this is embarrassing…

  59. John

    Nothing makes me feel better than seeing USC fans in tears, trying to squeeze onto overcrowded Caltrains back to San Francisco after they choke in Palo Alto. Really Trojans, the way with which you live and die on the accomplishments of your football team just makes it all the more entertaining to fuck you up, over, and over, and over, and over. I’m not really sure what you have to be arrogant about: we’ve got the money, the brains, and the football team. You’ve got… excessive sun damage and a laughable bro-accent that makes you sound even dumber than you are?

  60. Stanford Alum

    Oh, this post is the absolute best.

  61. Wild_Elmo

    That game was the epitome of getting punched in the face alright…especially in the 4th quarter. Taking shot after shot, USC knew the jab, uppercut and gut shot were coming, but there was nothing USC could do to stop it. Just kept pummeled play after play. What a bunch of bullies!

  62. Scott

    Has the swelling in your face abated a bit? Face it – Stanford has a better football program now. Oh , and by the way – lick my balls.

  63. Scoreboard

    Hey, at least your team will be BCS eligible next year …

    No?

    The year after?

    Word to the wise, Mr. u$c: The cheating, scheming, pseudo-Nazi look is apparently acceptable in some pockets of college football … but only if you win. Which, last night, you decisively did not.

    I’m sure Barkley would have more to say on the subject, but his mouth is still full of Stanford AstroTurf from the four sacks he got last night.

    One for every year he has failed to beat Stanford.

    XOXO,
    The Scoreboard

  64. Scoreboard

    Also, if you don’t let the above comment be posted, it’s just because you’re an even bigger pussy than we all thought.

  65. Rob

    All the news is about how Barkley was never able to beat Stanford. Here’s what happens: Stanford beats Oregon and becomes the Pac-12 North Champs. SC wins the South. They play the championship game in Palo Alto. SC shellacks the Cardinal. David Shaw has a heart attack and is legally declared dead. Barkely gets ready to perform CPR, but as soon as his lips just graze Shaw’s, he doesn’t even need to. Shaw is up and dancing an Irish jig while the Spirit of Troy belts out Conquest. SC goes to Miami for the National Championship where they demolish Alabama. That night while celebrating, LSU’s team struts in and tries to peck a foyt’. SC agrees to play them in a game of parking lot pickup which they win 521-0 to honor the 521st anniversary of Columbus’ voyage. Les Miles performs hari kari with a discarded butter knife from the Waffle House on the other side of the parking lot.

    Fight on.

    • Fight on? On to the bus you mean? The bus that sadly takes you back to… U$C?

      Seriously, get a grip, get a life, get a PAC-12 victory, get rich to this, whatever man.

    • Cards62

      If possible, this is dumber and more arrogant then the original. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. You SC fans are unable to live in the present and accept that you are a 2nd rate team this year, some great skill players, some weak skill players (McNeal & Redd) and weak lines offense and defense, no way you play for Nat’l championship, you will be fortunate if you make it to PAC-12 final. Hang on, dementia can sometimes be cured.

  66. Brooklyn

    Ouch? so whats next? Maybe some bragging about how $C has the best date raping skills? Sorry you wasted so much time writing such a long blog post.

  67. adamb3v

    I have to admit i liked the writing in this post. I’m a former Stanford Daily Sports Editor (was actually in the press box for the famous “Play) and I have to say i love the fact that Stanford has pissed you off so much. We used to be irrelevant. This victory was a huge one for Shaw. This year it’s not Harbaugh (arguably the best coach on the planet at any level) or Luck (a once in a generation QB) but the Stanford Team. After several great recruiting years, they were simply better, especially in the trenches. No doubt USC has the best receiver tandem in college (maybe ever in college), but games are often won or lost in the trenches and it’s here that Stanford clearly dominated. After 4 straight victories over USC I would love to gloat but frankly i do respect most SC fans. I’ve read most of the boards after the game and most fans have been giving proper respect to Stanford Go Cardinal!

  68. Stanford Alum

    LOL so much unnecessary animosity towards Stanford. Never underestimate us. Not only are we smarter than you in the classroom, we’re smarter on the football field. That’s what USC gets for being so cocky.

  69. Leland Stanford Jr.

    That one hurts. Go Card!

  70. Stanford Grad

    Hahahhahahhahahah!

    That was a great win for Stanford!🙂 Take that!!!!

    We’ll see you next year… To beat you once again.

  71. 21-14. Barkley 0-4 vs. The Farm

    lol

  72. Puffdawg

    FWIW, “SEC Powerhouse” Arkansas was 4-7 (2-6 in the conf) the year you guys hung 70 on them. You guys had some great teams back then but I don’t think anybody has ever confused Arky for a powerhouse. They’ve never even won the SEC.

  73. 1) We eat avocado year round where I’m from.
    2) Aw, darn. 38-24? Wait a minute… what’s that you say? 14-21 for Stanford?
    3) Four consecutive years. Will you ever make the learning curve.

  74. fleecemonkey

    We might be crushing you in football, but you are crushing us in awesome football previews. Not willing to trade positions, but this was one of the best things I’ve read ever.

  75. Stay Celibate Stanford

    We may have lost the football game but not the life game. Still go to school in LA, still way more class than any stanford student every will, and unlike stanford students we actually have sex and party during college…enjoy celibacy you tree hugging virgins

    • CalBears

      What a strong comeback from a bitter USC fan. I don’t even go to Stanford (3rd year at Cal), and I know we’re supposed to be their rivals and all, but damn I cannot stand the cocky USC loving assholes that dominate SoCal. Also, I feel like I should stick up for UCLA as we’re both UCs. Stanford: thanks for dominating USC 4 years in a row! I’m still supposed to hate you guys, but it’s hard when you know we’re just better universities as a whole. Same goes for UCLA and I hope they beat you too!

      I’m having plenty of sex by the way – just in case you were concerned🙂

      • stanford dominated you

        I love how USC fans immediately try to bring up other points whenever they lose a football game. You go to school in LA, that’s awesome. So do the Bruins (who haven’t lost yet, by the way) and football aside, UCLA dominates USC in the so-called “life game” of yours. Funny how you try to insult the intelligence of the Stanford students when we’re above and beyond the Trojans academically. There’s no question about that.

      • Zack Jerome

        He doth protest too much

      • With your left or right hand?

    • Q: What do Matt Barkley and 1% of Google have in common?

      A: Stanford owned both for about four years.

      SMD, LMB, and get the HECKOUTTADODGESON

      • Death by SnuSnu

        That was awesome. Who doesn’t appreciate a good stock ownership joke on a college football fan website?

        #StanfordconflatesIQandSocialIQyetagain

    • Stanford Alum

      Lol wow, another stereotype comment from an SC fan. I’m an LA native, but I would rather go to school in Palo Alto than South Central LA any day.

  76. Stanford student

    HAHAHAHAHA you think $C has more class than Stanford? Did you read this blog post? Do you know what class means? Did you just brag about having more class while asserting you were essentially more slutty? There is so much I could say, but really there is no point. We are better in academics, in football, and just in life. Thanks for providing some additional entertainment to what has been a fantastic weekend.

  77. Re: Stay Celibate Stanford

    lol.

    When’s the last time a USC grad did something in life? I don’t really recall. I’m sure you’ve heard of Google, since you that’s all they teach you at USC – founded by a Stanford grad. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’ll be doing all the gruntwork while the Stanford grads make all the money. So, I guess, you won the “life game” by having a job, but you really lost because you won’t really make it anywhere in life (and also, your football team sucks). Sucks to suck, doesn’t it?

    Cool story bro. Have all the sex and parties you want in college and go get herpes. Your mother should have swallowed you😉

  78. friendly stanford fan

    i’m a just graduated stanford girl who, unlike the vast majority of stanford people trying to talk excessive shit right now on your blog (and referencing google as evidence of our superiority? 2004 called and wants its bragging rights back.), actually cares about college football and stanford sports and was awesomely surprised that we didn’t get destroyed yesterday. don’t get me wrong, i have a special level of sports hatred for usc, one of the most perennially obnoxious college football cultures along with THE ohio state university, the entire sec, and the chip kelly ducks, but bandwagon stanford fans really piss me off. /endrant.

    that said, i’m a keen follower of your blog during the bachelor(+ette) seasons and think you’re pretty damn funny. so, i have to ask in a completely non-taunting manner. more painful to watch: yesterday’s game or chompers’ season in its totality?

    • Zack Jerome

      Game was not that painful really, it was clear the way it was going and not much to take away from you guys. Chompers by far.

      I’m just shocked the level of bandwagoners as you mentioned on this blog. You are more like I expected fans to be. Either way thanks for reading and good luck with the season

  79. you got knocked the fuck out

  80. Win4Ever

    Zack,
    Barkley has been our leader on the field for the last 3 years. You have been our leader off of it. I think that it’s pretty clear that, in times like these, you have the power to get us back on track. Our team may be at risk of losing its swagger. It’s not your job and it is terrible to ask you of this, but we know you can do it.

    Fight On!

  81. Fight on Forever

    Another game in the books. We me have lost, but at the end of the day, Stanford fans/students flock here RIGHT after the game to post shit comments when they should be drinking and celebrating? You want to think you are a powerhouse? That you have taken complete control of the PAC-12 and USC? Then why is it you get so excited and WILL CONTINUE to get excited to beat us. Also, why is it college football fans are ASTONISHED you UPSET us. Because if we had beat you (which, sadly we didn’t nor deserve to with the way we were playing) I have a feeling, people would have expected it. Continue to love to play us, this is a great rivalry we are starting and another match-up I can look forward to. The PAC-12 needs great teams. 2 played Saturday, and those same 2 will hopefully play again this season.

    • TDM

      HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you guys are so overrated I can’t believe it. We don’t have to try, we just ARE. And who’s your quarterback? HAHAHAHA just read the national press- NO ONE respects you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  82. jpfoursc

    you won by 7, at home…. without our starting center. congrats on grinding one out, but i’m not sure that’s a “knocked the fuck out” win.

  83. MInaK

    Was this a bath salt fueled post? Hahahaha. Legend in your own mind. Reality says Stanford 4Peat. You guys are sad. Ask mommy and daddy to take you to A&F for a pick me up.

    • Zack Jerome

      your jokes are dated. i’m only a legend at usc. that’s all that matters though, as evidenced that you are reading this. i can’t figure out why you’d be interested in a usc fan blog.

  84. Nate

    I love how this post would have been equally funny regardless of who won. You’re a class act dude, don’t listen to all these Stanford haters. Whenever they talk shit about how smart they are I wonder what would happen if Stanford somehow voluntarily gave up their athletic scholarships (like the Ivies) to prove that education came first. And had to stay in the Pac-12. Mayhem.

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