It was really a blessing that this week’s game followed last weeks game. More annoying than losing were the droves of Stanford fans (still) visiting the site and figuring out new ways to make themselves look bad while talking “smack”. Even when Stanford’s head coach agreed that rushing the field made them seem like they were surprised to win and that it was a bad thing (act like you been there before or no one will believe you have or will continue to), it did not stop the rush of nerd smack that kept pouring in. Here’s hoping they turn their attention to their next opponent.
I mean no joke, check out the consecutive streak of taunts by this lady. This is more taunts than I get when I promise my wife I’ll do something and forget because I am drinking bourbon.
Intense, right? Dog the Bounty Hunter doesn’t come after people that hard.
Don’t hate on her though, she wouldn’t have rushed the field. In fact, she’s so arrogant I’m making her my Follow Friday. This is the kind of in your face attitude that will eventually breed trees that believe, and we should support that because I can’t deal with another field rush. To wrap it up, I am rooting for them to win out and for us to. I want one more.
That said, the reason I felt like this weeks game is such a blessing was that 40 seconds after our loss when everyone was hanging their head (arguably just to stretch), I realized something beautiful.
We get to kill bears this week.
The rush of euphoria directly coming from a low, low place was a lot like puking and finding two million dollars in a briefcase behind the toilet.
We get to kill bears this week.
Matt Barkley brings his 6-0 record against bears into this game, a stat far more important than any this season. To run the table as a four year starter and never lose to a bear would be enough to retire his jersey in the Arrogant Nation hall of fame. He is two games away from running doing this and being the greatest bearfighter to ever don cardinal and gold.
Stanford has turned into the rivalry that Cal so badly wanted. That must piss them off because it is their rival getting our knickers in a bundle. In the Aaron Rodgers days, one 3OT win and a year where we went on to split the natty and one close loss the year after at the Coliseum had all of us thinking this might be the next big thing. Only for basically a decade Jeff Tedford has marched his troops to the battlefield and they line up all colonial musket style and then we come out like a bunch of coked-up spider monkeys with lightsabers and just send them running for Strawberry Hill.
It’s the Rivalry That Never Was and how frustrating it is that in that period, somehow, against all odds, Stanford has become an opponent we look forward to more.
So, walk in the park this week, right?
I call bullshit. The minute you don’t take a bear seriously, he will claw your face off. I know this. I have fought bears my whole life and even when you have success in outgunning them, they are one swipe away from smashing your remains around on the ground like a salmon they caught in a river. Bears are natural assholes, it’s in their DNA and you have to be ready for them all the time. Even right now you should be checking your six. Bears don’t give a fuck and we shouldn’t either.
Come Saturday at the Coliseum or on Pac 12 Network (which is harder to find than hair on Larry Scott’s head), bears will storm the field. It’s our time to get healthy with Oregon Trail style hunting. We’re gonna kill more bear than we can carry back to the wagon. We’re going to get fat and arrogant off bear meat and not lose the taste. Not even when Duck is on the menu.
There’s been so much random chaos this week. I barely want to get into it. Let’s just put it this way. LFK is going to throw you under the bus if you under perform. Everyone is over sensationalizing this story, if you can even call it that. Dude, Kiffin called Barkley fat when he took over as coach even though Barkley wasn’t fat and had basically been the recruiting lead in the interim. Why do you think I immediately started celebrating the ridiculousness of this coach?
Hey Coach, here’s your quarterback. He’s been keeping people sane this whole time when the shit was hitting the fan. What do you think? “He’s fat”. What happens next? Barkley loses a few pounds and a year later has the best statistical season in USC QB history. Kiffin is bat shit crazy, but let’s not give up on this man. It’s bear hunting time.
I challenge you to think of something funnier than in the middle of a presser to just say “I gotta go” and sprint off like you need to take a dump. That’s awesome. Who cares everyone? Can we not get distracted again? We are fighting bears this week.
When you go to work and it’s a bad day, you just say we’re fighting bears today. Then kill the bear.
I got to watch Cal play Ohio State and choke away a game they deserved to win. It should be an interesting battle this week. We won’t let our backup kicker kick and they shouldn’t let their actual kicker kick. I mean, homeboy was missing wide by a car’s length or two. I mean, literally I thought he was trying to kick a field goal through the uprights on the practice field somewhere to the left of the stadium.
Cal was able to score and Braxton Miller looked human against their defense. There’s no reason to take this team lightly, especially since this is now (like every game) a must win for us. It’s a home game. We need to put a win in the books and do as we have historically done after dropping the road opener. We need to go on a run and get better every week.
Sometimes with the natty and Heisman races, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that the goal is to win football games. That can’t happen again this year. We need to kill these bears and have a cookout later. A cookout of bear. We’ll do tacos. You bring the tequila. I know a great place for tortillas. They make them in house.
It’s going to be hard to win with their mascot staring at us.
It’s a story not often talked about. He started off as a glue-sniffing scoundrel (drawing above) who lived in Berkeley but snuck to Oakland to commit terrible crimes at night. He had the devil’s smirk. But a life a sniffing glue and hanging with the wrong crowd has done some terrible things to his fur. He began to experiment with plastic surgery to try and repair his damaged face in hopes in could conceal his crimes and the fact that snorting Comet left him without a nose. Unfortunately, it rendered him a frightening, emotionless teddy bear wearing Mr. Rogers cardigans and struggling to show emotion through his messed up face.
I mean it’s like when Hannibal Lecter wore someone else’s face as a mask. That is like a bear wearing a man’s face over his bear face with a pervy smile contorted across it. You wanna know why I fight bears? Because this shit is totally scary and not in a bad ass way. I mean, you’re asleep, you wake up and this is staring you down:
What’s he fucking wearing gloves for? Who is he going to kill? NOT US. NOT SATURDAY. Fuck the haters, Arrogant Nation. Our ears aren’t for listening to anything but 90s rap, 70s rock and dubstep when the glow sticks come out.
In honor of this game and our eventual fight with new media darling UCLA, we have launched a new shirt.
It’s a dude with a bear pelt on his head running with a sword and a bottle of bourbon. It’s me when I was 12 years old. Now you can wear it by going to THE STORE and basically let everyone know you don’t care about trees, you fight bears all the time.
I am getting back to arrogant predictions. I have no idea why I decided to be pragmatic last week. I say no more. We’re fighting bears. Do I need a rational for this? In the words of Lane Kiffin… I gotta go. [scurry away]
TWO POINT CONVERSIONS
11 (in honor of Matt Leinart who killed some bears in his days)
KYLE NEGRETE CYBORG LEG PUNTING REPORT
0 punts, 1 TD, 3 Tackles for a Loss.
We’re fighting bears, don’t expect me to consider reality here. Emotionally, I need a dead bear on the ground right now. I want to dance on it’s face. I know you do too.
KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION
3 for 3, same again. White Visor, White Polo, Khakis and a hot wife somewhere nearby.
Now real quick, I gotta go.
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