I hate you Larry Scott. A Thursday night game after a bye week? This is worse jet lag than the time I thought it’d be cool to use Ambien to sleep long enough that I ate dinner in New York, caught a flight to Paris for lunch and then ate dinner in Rio. The trick was forcing enough sleep to think it was one continuous day with incredibly long naps. Next time, I’ll need someone to trim my beard while I am unconscious. It was clear about four days had passed. Good news was, lost a few pounds. Arms looked ripped.
But that was bad jet lag. Waiting to play Utah in “Trap Game 2012” was worse.
Larry, explain to me what my employees will think when I am shotgunning beer at 9am in my office and doing pushups. They’ll think it’s Thursday. I guess that’s not the biggest inconvenience. The biggest inconvenience is that for two Saturdays in a row now I don’t get USC football and that makes you an asshole. This, a week after making us play on Pac 12 Network which I am convinced is broadcast by the Bruin film school. Hell, even that is available on more cable providers.
Can we have our steak medium rare, our women bold and attractive, our bears dead and our football on fucking Saturday? How do you not get this? On 4th of July, do you celebrate by making quiche and reading Walden Pond? In America, it’s hot dogs, people competitively eating hot dogs, baseball and fireworks. I know you are used to tennis and weird time zones and mid-week events. But there’s a reason why football is king. It’s not on at weird times and in the middle of the week. Get with it, buddy. Spare me that this gets us the national exposure the Pac-12 needs. Here’s betting the loser of South Carolina and Georgia is ranked ahead of us no matter what happens this game. (It’ll take the Oregon and Notre Dame games to put us where we’d like to be, patience Iago).
I’m jetlagged and doing an AGP on what should be the day after an AGR. This is messed up, Larry. Here’s the good news. I don’t need to be fresh and clean to bring the heat. I’m turning 30 years old tomorrow which in scotch years means I am crazy good and incredibly expensive. Here’s a taste.
I have a hard time getting excited about Who-Tah in the post Urban Meyer era. They are still good, good enough to beat you, but it’s not that “let’s kick Boise State in the nuts” kind of feeling. They are super Oregon State-ish to me in the sense that if they beat you you look like an asshole, but if you beat them they are still a little bit under the radar, despite perhaps deserving better.
It doesn’t help that they are called the Utes. Look, the Utes are an Native American tribe that Utah was named for, only they also were prominent in Colorado, but they chose the name Buffalo. The thing the Utes probably killed all the time and ate and made clothes from. I don’t know why Colorado didn’t go by something better than Buffalo. Every time I see Ralphie I see a monthly special burger at The Counter.
While I am one to think naming your team after a tribe is badass, I think that has its limits. Namely when you basically call your team the Utah Utes. In a way, that’s like if we were calling ourselves the University of Southern California Southern Californians. I’m sure the Utes are/were badass as hell. I’m also sure the names are just too similar to stick. I only call them Utah. Do you know anyone who says “we’re playing the Utes”? It doesn’t stick. Hell, people always say we’re playing the Trojans or Ducks or Bruins. People say they are playing Stanford because no one wants to say Cardinal or remember it. It’s stupid. Maybe it’s being an ad guy, but Utah Utes. I have to think about it every time we play them. Utah is the… Utes! Circle gets the square (game show reference).
As far as the game is concerned, there’s one dude we need to worry about. Star Lotulelei. He’s a monster and he’s a nose guard. Khaled Holmes will be fine, but if Barkley forbid we need to sub for him, he is going to be a big time problem. He lives in the backfield. He actually has a condo there where he’s raising a family of pitbulls. I think we all know now that if Barkley has no time, the cornerbacks will just hold our wideouts and not get called because the refs will be too busy watching Matt get dunked.
If we hold the line, we’ll be fine.
Defensively speaking, Utah Ute QB Jordan Wynn has been banged up which means Morgan Breslin needs to eat his face like he’s on a diet of red bull and bath salts. We need to blitz Dion Bailey and our DBs here and there and just not let him get comfortable. UPDATE- Jordan Wynn retired, shows how much Utah football I watch post Urban Meyer.
Basically, if we keep Matt on his feet and put Jordan on his ass, we’re looking at a win and an important one at that. This team should feel amazing right now. All we have to worry about is winning, the rest will take care of itself. The media makes it super easy to think a September loss means curtains and everyone is quick to point out we’ve hovered in 13th for weeks. Just win. Everyone plays everyone and this USC team was TWO LOSS last year going into the Oregon game. We ended they year a two loss team that would have made a BCS bowl, would have played in the Pac 12 title. It was good times.
This is why I say, get jacked up on Thursday, maybe flip a desk at the office. I don’t know, steal all the bagels from the cafeteria. Maybe break a vending machine open. I don’t know, do what you got to do to find a way to enjoy Thursday football. This is a monster game against a team we should not take lightly in anyway. Especially not Star, who I am pretty sure was the inspiration for the Death Star.
Meanwhile, Kiffin is saying the extra time off his our team healthy, better prepared and he’s promising we’ll play “fast”. I trust the visor. Even when I shouldn’t We’re in an abusive relationship like Frodo and The Ring. The Visor speaks and I am compelled to believe.
Without further adieu…
USC $300 (cost of nose bleeds to see Book of Mormon at the Pantages)
Did I just say USC would score a dollar amount. You’re right. I did. You’re so money and you don’t even know it. Watch Swingers tonight. It’s still great all these years later.
TWO POINT CONVERSIONS
None – I have a gut feeling this week we’re going to put every point we can on that board. Just not cosmically feeling it.
KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION
Tricky this week as it might get into the low 50s in Salt Lake City this Thursday, but part of me thinks Kiffin is going to want to stay tough. Is 50s cold enough for the windbreaker to come out? I’m saying fuck that. Same as all week. White polo, white visor, khakis and a vengeance.
KYLE NEGRETE PUNTING MATRIX
4 punts, all inside the 20. 2 Tackles For Loss… of consciousness.
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