The following is a document passed to me in total secrecy. It’s a document that was supposedly found in a stolen USC playbook for the Utah game. It’s a letter Coach Lane Kiffin wrote to his team and the message within is shocking. Well, to everyone but me. Sure, I could be making all of this up. Sure, it is going to seem far-fetched. Sure, there are going to be Utes fans who don’t understand my particular vintage of hell with a pen. Regardless, this is an explanation for the events from last night.
We’ve been hovering at number 13 in the polls for a couple weeks now, Baldy [Larry Scott] has condemned us to a Thursday night game scheduled during an NFL game and Geno Smith is ruining early Heisman chances by playing as a men among boys (no seriously, he is a man playing in a boys’ conference, they wear diapers). I spent the night making Layla practice her high school cheerleading routines (in uniform) while my father and I tried to figure out the best possible way to show people that this is all the master plan. The media trips balls all the time when I am involved (kiss my ass, Al Davis and all of Tennessee for that matter). It’s always a doomsday scenario.
The truth is, we’re going to be 4-1 and in the driver’s seat for the Pac 12 South, a shot at the Rose Bowl and if the country wises up and realizes it doesn’t want to watch a soccer game for a championship (that’s my term for SEC football because nobody scores), we might just sneak into that crystal ball game, which would be cool. I’ve always had a dream of cracking that thing in half and using it as a bowl to put Easter candy or like Halloween candy in. Any kind of candy. What a “fuck you” right? Plus, candy is great. It got me off cigarettes.
Gentlemen, when you arrive in Utah you are going to have to come out of the gate harder than you ever have. What I am gonna ask you to do may not be possible, but we’re Trojans so into battle we got. Right out of the gate you need to go zero-to-sixty in record time… In reverse.
I need you to find a way to spot these guys a 14 point lead in 3 minutes. It’s gonna be hard because I can’t count on this Pac 12 bastard team we didn’t want to execute pissing in a toilet without hitting the seat since Urban Meyer left, so you are going to have to really tank it with skill, speed, athleticism and above all, thesbianism. I just made that up, but it means acting. Like awesome Harrison Ford in Blade Runner acting.
You need to have courage. You are going to be taking a dump in public on national television. It’s gonna be like trying to piss in one of those trough urinals at old stadiums where you just know everyone is comparing junk. It’s like the Red Light District in Amsterdam in those damn bathrooms. Hell, I kind of like it, it shakes things up. And that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to spot them 14 as fast as we can and then we’re going to crush their fucking hearts and show the country that we’re not playing football, we’re being Trojans.
Do I know what that means exactly? Not really. I know you all wonder why sometimes I just flip out and go for two. Trust the process. Take the journey. I promise you in the end, we’ll be at least the 4th story on SportsCenter following the NFL game, gossip about Shaq and Dwight and probably something about Tebow fans wanting Sanchito out of the starting role.
Men of Troy. Put that Ferrari in reverse. Like Levels. Reach for the lazers.
Lane Fucking Kiffin
And the players executed it to a T. My wife got home from work, I was two ryes in and I simply said this game was awesome. I’ve never seen us have a worse start. Ever. And it didn’t even matter. It didn’t matter because Utah is still a Mountain West team (is that where they came from) and everything about the vibe at Rice-Eccles Stadium (including the name Rice-Eccles Stadium) screamed losing badly.
First off. Counting false starts with “5s” is just weird. You should be focused on drinking from the flask you snuck in because you are in Utah and not skiing so in other words you have no excuse for sobriety. This isn’t BYU. It’s not illegal. Just get drunk, stop pretending you impacted the game. Handing out 14 points didn’t impact the game. You cheering like the Beatles just reincarnated and reunited doesn’t do anything.
Next, the hand signal you guys do. Where you create the “U” with your hands. Let’s get something straight. This is your logo:
And this is Utah State’s:
Whose “U” does it look like you are doing? You know how I know you aren’t a good school? Because you make another team’s “U” when you are cheering. A team that beat you recently even though apparently you are in the Pac 12 now (I still don’t recognize you).
And here’s why you shouldn’t argue. On a tour of some Utah player apartments (I don’t remember the names, just like I didn’t remember your QB retired, because I don’t watch Mountain West football) they showed a guy who had as Paul Rudd described it in “I Love You, Man” a “jerk-off station”.
You know they are coming to film in your apartment. I get not caring about making your bed or anything. But you live in Utah, you just got embarrassed by giving up a 14 point lead and now America knows you have a jerk-off station. More than that, you went Costco size, buddy. You don’t have the kind that you can politely deny its purpose. You need a constant supply at your bedside at all times. Honestly, you have more lotion next to your bed than I have OJ in my refrigerator. It just made me wonder what the fan is for. Readers, curious to get your take. In film school they described “choices” that reveal character. I know what the lotion is for. Is the fan part of that process? And whats the thing next to it? What I’d give to know what those books under the stand were.
You’d think a jerk-off station would be the most embarrassing thing about this rare ESPN look into Utah, but it wasn’t.
The most embarrassing thing were these banners all over the stadium. It’s not that you shouldn’t hang something for a Sugar Bowl or a Fiesta Bowl. I mean, we only mention Heismans, Nattys and Rose Bowls, but being a Mountain West team, I get it. I’m not picking on you for that. It’s certainly less embarrassing that UCLA having a PCC division title banner up.
Thing is though, when you have a banner up celebrating a win, don’t put “FINAL AP RANKING #4” below it. It’s so cheeseball. What does it matter? It’s cool to win a BCS bowl, kinda. Being that you didn’t win the Natty, why advertise the fact you went undefeated, didn’t get invited to the big dance because you play in the Mountain West? Why bring that up? How about act like you been there? We won some big games. Next.
Now that you play in the Pac 12 because Larry Scott couldn’t get Texas and OU (fact), you aren’t going to have many runs where you beat USC, Oregon and the lot and get to these BCS games (or the playoff in the future). These banners are going to get more awkward every year as symbols to a weak schedule now that you play a real one.
I’m just trying to help. When spotting you the spread in the first 3 minutes of the game doesn’t make it competitive, I don’t know what will. Certainly not those signs, counting false starts or displaying your jerk-off stations.
Bearfighter calls it like he sees it. Until next year. Thank Barkley it’s in LA.
Before I go, may I talk about Coach Lane Kiffin’s outfit choices? He sported some under armor under his polo in the beginning which I thought was interesting. It lulled Utah to sleep, unaware of the 14 point fail plan.
Second half, what does Kiffin do? He comes out in a brand new black windbreaker like the fucking grim reaper. I was so pumped up I just did one of those stares where you’re like “fuck you, dude”. Second half we aired it out because the reaper came to Rice-Eccles Stadium and he had blood on his scythe. May God have mercy on the Pac 12.
4-1. Let’s go.
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