Arrogant Game Recap: Utah

The following is a document passed to me in total secrecy.  It’s a document that was supposedly found in a stolen USC playbook for the Utah game.  It’s a letter Coach Lane Kiffin wrote to his team and the message within is shocking.  Well, to everyone but me.  Sure, I could be making all of this up.  Sure, it is going to seem far-fetched.  Sure, there are going to be Utes fans who don’t understand my particular vintage of hell with a pen.  Regardless, this is an explanation for the events from last night.


We’ve been hovering at number 13 in the polls for a couple weeks now, Baldy [Larry Scott] has condemned us to a Thursday night game scheduled during an NFL game and Geno Smith is ruining early Heisman chances by playing as a men among boys (no seriously, he is a man playing in a boys’ conference, they wear diapers).  I spent the night making Layla practice her high school cheerleading routines (in uniform) while my father and I tried to figure out the best possible way to show people that this is all the master plan.  The media trips balls all the time when I am involved (kiss my ass, Al Davis and all of Tennessee for that matter).  It’s always a doomsday scenario.

The truth is, we’re going to be 4-1 and in the driver’s seat for the Pac 12 South, a shot at the Rose Bowl and if the country wises up and realizes it doesn’t want to watch a soccer game for a championship (that’s my term for SEC football because nobody scores), we might just sneak into that crystal ball game, which would be cool.  I’ve always had a dream of cracking that thing in half and using it as a bowl to put Easter candy or like Halloween candy in.  Any kind of candy.  What a “fuck you” right?  Plus, candy is great.  It got me off cigarettes.

Gentlemen, when you arrive in Utah you are going to have to come out of the gate harder than you ever have.  What I am gonna ask you to do may not be possible, but we’re Trojans so into battle we got.  Right out of the gate you need to go zero-to-sixty in record time…  In reverse.

I need you to find a way to spot these guys a 14 point lead in 3 minutes.  It’s gonna be hard because I can’t count on this Pac 12 bastard team we didn’t want to execute pissing in a toilet without hitting the seat since Urban Meyer left, so you are going to have to really tank it with skill, speed, athleticism and above all, thesbianism.  I just made that up, but it means acting.  Like awesome Harrison Ford in Blade Runner acting.

You need to have courage.  You are going to be taking a dump in public on national television.  It’s gonna be like trying to piss in one of those trough urinals at old stadiums where you just know everyone is comparing junk.  It’s like the Red Light District in Amsterdam in those damn bathrooms.  Hell, I kind of like it, it shakes things up.  And that’s what we’re going to do.  We’re going to spot them 14 as fast as we can and then we’re going to crush their fucking hearts and show the country that we’re not playing football, we’re being Trojans.

Do I know what that means exactly?  Not really.  I know you all wonder why sometimes I just flip out and go for two.  Trust the process.  Take the journey.  I promise you in the end, we’ll be at least the 4th story on SportsCenter following the NFL game, gossip about Shaq and Dwight and probably something about Tebow fans wanting Sanchito out of the starting role.

Men of Troy.  Put that Ferrari in reverse.  Like Levels.  Reach for the lazers.

-Arrogantly Yours,
Lane Fucking Kiffin

And the players executed it to a T.  My wife got home from work, I was two ryes in and I simply said this game was awesome.  I’ve never seen us have a worse start.  Ever.  And it didn’t even matter.  It didn’t matter because Utah is still a Mountain West team (is that where they came from) and everything about the vibe at Rice-Eccles Stadium (including the name Rice-Eccles Stadium) screamed losing badly.

First off.  Counting false starts with “5s” is just weird.  You should be focused on drinking from the flask you snuck in because you are in Utah and not skiing so in other words you have no excuse for sobriety.  This isn’t BYU.  It’s not illegal.  Just get drunk, stop pretending you impacted the game.  Handing out 14 points didn’t impact the game.  You cheering like the Beatles just reincarnated and reunited doesn’t do anything.

Next, the hand signal you guys do.  Where you create the “U” with your hands.  Let’s get something straight.  This is your logo:

And this is Utah State’s:

Whose “U” does it look like you are doing?  You know how I know you aren’t a good school?  Because you make another team’s “U” when you are cheering.  A team that beat you recently even though apparently you are in the Pac 12 now (I still don’t recognize you).

And here’s why you shouldn’t argue.  On a tour of some Utah player apartments (I don’t remember the names, just like I didn’t remember your QB retired, because I don’t watch Mountain West football) they showed a guy who had as Paul Rudd described it in “I Love You, Man” a “jerk-off station”.


You know they are coming to film in your apartment.  I get not caring about making your bed or anything.  But you live in Utah, you just got embarrassed by giving up a 14 point lead and now America knows you have a jerk-off station.  More than that, you went Costco size, buddy.  You don’t have the kind that you can politely deny its purpose.  You need a constant supply at your bedside at all times.  Honestly, you have more lotion next to your bed than I have OJ in my refrigerator.  It just made me wonder what the fan is for.  Readers, curious to get your take.  In film school they described “choices” that reveal character.  I know what the lotion is for.  Is the fan part of that process?  And whats the thing next to it?  What I’d give to know what those books under the stand were.

You’d think a jerk-off station would be the most embarrassing thing about this rare ESPN look into Utah, but it wasn’t.

The most embarrassing thing were these banners all over the stadium.  It’s not that you shouldn’t hang something for a Sugar Bowl or a Fiesta Bowl.  I mean, we only mention Heismans, Nattys and Rose Bowls, but being a Mountain West team, I get it.  I’m not picking on you for that.  It’s certainly less embarrassing that UCLA having a PCC division title banner up.

Thing is though, when you have a banner up celebrating a win, don’t put “FINAL AP RANKING #4” below it.  It’s so cheeseball.  What does it matter?  It’s cool to win a BCS bowl, kinda.  Being that you didn’t win the Natty, why advertise the fact you went undefeated, didn’t get invited to the big dance because you play in the Mountain West?  Why bring that up?  How about act like you been there?  We won some big games.  Next.

Now that you play in the Pac 12 because Larry Scott couldn’t get Texas and OU (fact), you aren’t going to have many runs where you beat USC, Oregon and the lot and get to these BCS games (or the playoff in the future).  These banners are going to get more awkward every year as symbols to a weak schedule now that you play a real one.

I’m just trying to help.  When spotting you the spread in the first 3 minutes of the game doesn’t make it competitive, I don’t know what will.  Certainly not those signs, counting false starts or displaying your jerk-off stations.

Bearfighter calls it like he sees it.  Until next year.  Thank Barkley it’s in LA.

Before I go, may I talk about Coach Lane Kiffin’s outfit choices?  He sported some under armor under his polo in the beginning which I thought was interesting.  It lulled Utah to sleep, unaware of the 14 point fail plan.

Second half, what does Kiffin do?  He comes out in a brand new black windbreaker like the fucking grim reaper.  I was so pumped up I just did one of those stares where you’re like “fuck you, dude”.  Second half we aired it out because the reaper came to Rice-Eccles Stadium and he had blood on his scythe.  May God have mercy on the Pac 12.

4-1.  Let’s go.







Filed under Rants and Musings

30 responses to “Arrogant Game Recap: Utah

  1. Anna

    Where’s the recap of what actually happened during the game? I like your stuff, but this seemed more like a preview… We looked great for a lot of the game, and it would’ve been nice to see you arrogantly write about that.

  2. WTF is up with their 3rd down jump? Kris Kross should be their mascots. I’m embarassed for them.

    We need to clean up our penalties though. A couple of illegal substitutions (the only illegal things should be in Chris Harrison’s suitcase coming back from Colombia) and the PF for smacking the ute upside the head–you’re not playing water polo dude. That’s 15 yds, not 20 seconds. That being said, proud of our guys for handling their business after that shitty start Kiff made ’em do. FTFO!

  3. Juan Samartin

    I’m on my way to Best Buy to purchase a new keyboard and monitor. Your “jerk-off station” reference induced me to spew coffee all over both items. Thank God the CPU is o.k. Your best work ever. Please write a book.

  4. I thought kicking a FG on 3rd down might be a point of discussion. but that would be too easy. thanks for keeping it arrogant.

  5. Ryan

    Love that you mentioned the new “grim reaper” Luke LFK decided to bring out. I think of it as a sign of things to come for the rest of the Pac 12. LFK arrogantly stuck to those short bubble screens just to show he does whatever LFK wants to do. But he then showed what we’ve all been waiting for, the deep vertical game, to show he’s done playing games. Time to destroy the Pac-12. Looking forward to the arrogant preview for the upcoming game against those pups up north.

  6. Jimmy

    This post makes you look like a douchebag UCLA fan.

  7. Logan

    Laughed my ass off, especially with the lotion.

  8. TD Todd Doherty

    check the box score/recap on…..or you know, watch the game next time 🙂

    to be fair, Z kinda nailed it on the head what happened in the game. They spotted them 14 points and then systematically dismembered them in the second half. If you cut out the first 4 minutes of the game, a rout was in order

    they ran the fuck out of the ball early and then aired it out, O stayed on the field, made the only non-white guys in Utah tired, then aired it out – a little Telfer TE 1-handed pro catch, a little pidazzle 83 yard TD pass w/ crazy cuts that snap your neck to Lee, Silas Redd and newbie pounded town, Khaled starting to get his swagger back.

    • TD Todd Doherty

      oh yeah, and Z and I had the same English teacher/TA freshman year – hence the lack of proper grammar, spelling, punctuation, paragraphs, sentences, capitalization

      and apparently, I should read more than every 6th word bc you said you did watch the game. I guess I’m just bored at work….

      proofreading and editing are for people who don’t think their words are pure gold

  9. Daniel

    Notice the vaseline and wadded up tissue on the lower shelf…You’d think football players wouldn’t have a problem getting tail. How old is this guy? 14?

  10. Daniel

    Also, the fan is for when he works up a sweat. That was a big guy whose apartment they were showing. And the thing next to the lotion…flashlight? Fleshlight? Vibrator?

  11. Dave

    The only reason the the utes even got the 14 point spot is because they routinely call the other team’s snap count. They are bushleague in every way.

  12. Marley

    I’ve seen is USC’ s “Grueling, Disappointing Comeback” on headlines all morning. No bitches. It’s more like what the great 20th century lyrical poet, Sir LL Cool J once said, “Don’t call it a comeback, I (we’ve) been here for years.” Period.

    Now I might be mistaken, but during the game I thought I heard one of the [E]mphasizingthe[S]EC[P]honies[N]etwork announcers quote a Utah player, claiming he was going to “run on SC, run like he owed them something.” Owed us what? free QB target practice at those stupid ass false start 5 signs their fans kept hanging? At that point I had to mix another drink to cope with the realization that we were really playing a Mountain West Team playing make believe with the Pac, Bearfighter. “Fake it till you make it” must be Larry the Peasant Scott’s golden advice to Utah. Maybe someday it’ll work. I guess. Just the name Rice-Eccles made me get off my gold chaise lounger, and go check my immunity records to see if my shots were updated for Rice-Eccles disease.

    I hear its transmitted through 14 free points. Cure? A red and gold bitch slap of reality that you’re ……Utah.

  13. Dave

    The most disturbing part about the jerk off station is that his older brother who owns the place installed a video camera so he could “watch at any time on his iphone”.

  14. Keith

    Jerk-off station…that’s rich!

  15. Rash

    Frankly, there wasn’t really a reason to talk about the game. Lee had almost 200 yards receiving, Barkley had 300 yards passing, Breslin spent all game in the offense’s backfield, ho hum.

    Those free 14 points and the giant bottle of lotion were the real story. DJ Morgan coming back into the lineup was pretty sweet too.

  16. TD Todd Doherty

    oh yeah and what about the fucking jump the shark play by Whoo-tah?!

    if you have to revert to chumpy trick plays to try and get a big completion….well, you’re bush league (almost perfect execution of a shitty play – suckers)

    real men line up, wearing their intentions (end zone) on their face, and run an elegant, clean, simple post route for 83 yards. whoooop, made you look. cutter!

  17. Sweetwater

    What the hell happened to Star Lotulelei for the final 57 minutes of that game? The only player that’s been more hyped and was such a non-factor against ‘SC: Adrian Peterson in Miami in 2005.

  18. Dr. T.

    Going forward, please include more references to Layla in cheerleader outfits. I like that 🙂

  19. Jagger

    Looks like there is a backup bottle of lotion under the nightstand too. Hate to run out mid “session”…

  20. jp

    That was gold. I f-ing love this team. Spot em 14, go grab a gatorade, fist bump, and then go destroy their hope and spirit. Like letting your little brother make a lay up and then swatting every other shot in the neighbor’s yard.

    Breslin needs some love in a preview….dude is putting on a Wrestlemania event in the back field every game and has yet to give the press anything more than “Fight On.” Negrete may have the cyborg leg, but that dude is straight T1000.

  21. ldytrjn

    My guess is that it’s some Axe body spray next to the lotion. Because of course it is.

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