They days of finding reasons to be pumped up for our opponents are over. I no longer need to resort to expensive, exotic techniques to fire my ass up enough to, in turn, fire your asses up. It’s the transitive theory of ass fire. It’s science.
This means no more breaking into donut shops and replacing bear claws with actual severed bear claws. This means no more drinking contests with German tourists for pink slips (pronounced “pinkenschlippen”). This means no more using cars as surfboards.
The football is finally enough.
This week we play the Arizona Wildcats, or as I refer to them, the “Lil’ Ducks”. They are going to finally give our defense the chance to mess with a spread, up-tempo offense without the nagging inconvenience of “having a defense”. Arizona actually runs the score up as good as anyone in our conference and with our defense being built to deal with Oregon, what better way to test drive ourselves than a romp with the Lil Ducks. Or Cacti Kids.
The Wildcats are a sentimental favorite for me as my wife is from Tucson, my father in law teaches there and my freshman year I visited Coronado (Scorenado) and woke up in the hallway possibly covered in my own tears and tequila. Then I ate some Sonoran Mexican food, drove like hell back to LA stopping only to piss in the desert, which was pretty awesome.
None of that matters to me right now though because to quote Fear and Loathing, “things just got serious”.
The Rose Bowl is always our goal because until the National Championship is in playoff format, it can only be taken so seriously. There will be a fan base out there that gets snubbed from the game and they will be right. Until we play to the end, the Rose Bowl is the goal and a natty is fine, but in the end half the country won’t recognize you winning it anyway.
To get to the Rose Bowl, a win against Arizona is a must. It keeps us in the driver’s seat in the South and our free ride to the Pac Title Game. That’s why we can’t be duped by the bevy of saguaros, Arizona sorority girls, quality Mexican food and bars you can smoke in. We need to focus on the endzone.
USC will face a formidable spread offense that on paper compares favorably with Oregon, a true test for a defense devised in a lab by Kiffin and Son featuring faster, undersized death machines like Dion Bailey who are safeties playing linebacker. Everything that didn’t work against Stanford defensively (and we still did well there) was mainly personnel because the road to glory is going to have to go through Eugene, Oregon, just like the road to cooler cities like Portland and Seattle. We were allowed that one stupid loss to what I still think is a 3 loss Stanford team if our defense proves it was built for beating Oregon (which it did last year).
We have to start by beating the Wildcats, Wilma and Wilbur included.
While I am sure Arizona will air it out, run for the edges and put up points, USC has three things going for them that are undeniable. The first is that I am hell with a pen.
The second is that Arizona’s defense is really the defense from Catalina Foothills High School (my wife’s alma mater), who are an admirable high school D, but not ready for the college game or Zona would be undefeated. You know how smart kids would go to community college for math class? That’s like the Foothills defense. They go to Arizona for gameday and have been known to try anything to stop the deluge of scoring against them. They will make you eat Los Betos all night until you shit yourself. They will tip a saguaro on the team bus. They’ll stick dried chilis in your gas tank. They don’t care. Anything to avoid having to tackle.
The third thing we have going is that RichRod is a huge tool. Kiffin is a dick. That’s what we like about him. RichRod is a tool. After helping ruin college football at WVU by implementing a style of football guaranteed to not produce NFL talent, he went to Michigan and ruined their program just in time to be banished from the sport for a while. He was on Real Sports when they were talking about college sports, sanctions and the lot. The turncoat might as well have been working for the NCAA. For this, the cloud god will punish him (see my med influenced post last week).
He is a perfect fit for a Wildcat team that can recruit speed at a lower star level and put them in space. This will not help the Foothills Falcons defense, but they will score points.
Real quick. I feel like I know people like Wilbur and Wilma. I feel like they just got back from Havasu, still drunk, but are also still looking to party. I kind of dig it.
Being a must win, the key for us is to see how we look. Kiffin is so mind-game city this week, it’s hard to know what the hell the goal is for the game beyond winning. Do we show Oregon everything? Is there more-hurry up? Is there less? Do we come out and run the option like we’re Air Force? At this point, Kiffin is deep in his LSD trip listening to Meddle by Pink Floyd and we’re the sober guy who shows up and tries to understand what’s going on.
All I know is that the energy in our fan base is down because we’re waiting to see what happens. I say FUCK THAT Arrogant Nation. The real meat of the season begins now and instead of visiting Tucson to see this game (I really want to), I am going to watch the game from Maui where I will be submerged in POG juice and dipping pork products in rum. I will do my arrogant best to get this victory.
There’s no looking ahead to the Ducks, the Lil Ducks can win this game if we don’t treat them like a food coma from eating too much Beyond Bread (Bart’s Bag or Betty’s Brie, let’s go) and just sack up and go into coked out beserker mode. It’s going to be fireworks, the desert is dry and could go up at any moment. Let’s make sure to bring our firesuits and hoses.
I am jacked up. I don’t even know what players will be wearing what numbers. I just know I’ll be in a pool watching on television ready to start the revolution. For those of you travelling, have a Sonoran Dog for me and maybe celebrate the win at Dirtbags. Naked. And smoke inside. Then go to Star Ranch and maybe eat some more Beyond Bread. Then get chased by Tucson local police. Probably eat Beyond Bread again.
Then, time to think about the Ducks.
LIL DUCKS 174
Our D will prove it was built for Oregon, not so much by shutting down the Cats, but by slowing them down enough for us to draw phallic images on their faces while they are sleeping from eating too much Los Betos.
2 PT CONVERSIONS
27. It’s going to be a shootout.
KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION
I’m seeing white visor, white windbreaker and the return of the red pants. Desert gets cold at night, especially if you aren’t eating Beyond Bread.
KYLE NEGRETE PREDATOR DRONES
I’m not seeing a lot of punts, but by now at least his face is in training for his annual Movember stache.
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