I do apologize for being a day tardy in bringing you your weekly fix of me being an asshole. For my friends on the ground and in the bars with me, I am sure you have had your fix. Between getting sick and work travel, it’s been hard to keep a normal “dogging women on television” schedule. I am sure you can relate.
It’s week four. No need for foreplay. If the oven isn’t preheated by now, we’re not baking cookies. Feel me? Let’s BachCap.
First off, what contract was signed that said I have to see Strawberry Lemonade in his skivvies every single week at the beginning of the episode? I don’t get it. Look, three weeks of him pumping iron and making some of the most awkwardly sexual “oh this weight is sooo heavy” faces and I think maybe we get a break.
We get a shot of him in black boxer briefs going through his outfit of bro shirts. I figure this guy’s sex appeal is a lot like Coachella. You know it’s over, like disco. You know it’s stereotypical, uninteresting and the fodder for #humblebrags drowning your Facebook newsfeed (“got weekend two tickets, no big deal”).
But you don’t care. Coachella is just like Sean in his fucking underwear. You know it’s ridiculous but you like it anyway. You must, or I can’t figure out why I know his ass better than my own (except for the fact my ass is behind me, maybe I get a pass).
Once Strawberry Lemonade was dressed and we were assured he could “totally see his future wife in this room”, we found out that Selma was getting the first one-on-one date. I think we’ve all been excited to take her for a test drive. She’s like Princess Jasmine if she wore yoga pants and was surgically enhanced. I mean, there are websites dedicated to thoughts like that. I mean, not that I know about them or anything… Hey, did you get Coachella tickets? [awkward pause]
Somewhere my wife just closed the browser. Somewhere else your boyfriend just laughed because he was in a fraternity too. I won’t ruin men for you guys until Bachelorette season.
Selma is the kind of girl who wants a luxury lifestyle and getting picked up in a limo was enough to bring out the baby voice which was only forgiven because she has a nice Iraq.
Suddenly, there’s a private jet and the part of me that loves this show woke up for a minute because in my mind no less than 64% of it’s appeal is travelling by air. That said, make it a helicopter next time and stop pretending we like planes more. Helicopter plus Bachelor “Wonderment” theme song and a line like “being up here with Sean I could totally see marrying him” and we keep the world in order. I could be the Adjustment Bureau for this show. If they’d only call. They can’t afford me.
When they land, Selma is mad pissed because Sean is peeling out in an SUV and the sand is totally fucking her hair up. Then when he let’s her know they are rock climbing, she is extra pissed because she is a midget and hates anything athletic (that’s a warning for the bedroom, Sean). Turns out though, she is good at rock climbing. She gets up the rock at Joshua Tree faster than anyone I’ve ever seen, of course everyone I ever saw at Joshua Tree was on mushrooms so who knows what was really going on.
Strawberry Lemonade took his time so he could have an unobstructed 20 minute view of her ass in yoga pants. Big win for the agency.
Sean got to cuddle with her on top of a mountain Ron Burgandy style and stare down her shirt where he could see all of Iraq. Good looking and can climb rocks? The only issue will be in Dallas having to explain to his golf buddies that she isn’t Latina.
The night date was at a trailer park with lights that definitely hosted its share of acid-fueled bonfire, Dave Matthews acoustic jam sessions. Selma instead decided to reveal for the 200th time that she is Arabic and from Baghdad. Sean was like “that’s impossible we blew that place up in Operation Iraqi Freedom”. Speaking of Operation Iraqi Freedom, Selma made it super clear that due to her family and maybe religious beliefs she wanted to kiss him but couldn’t. He’d have to wait for that and anything else besides looking at her Iraq that she is always accentuating. You get the sense her parents think she’s on American Idol right now and there will be an awful explanation coming.
Bottom line, there’s a monster issue. Sean is probably going to marry the whitest girl he can find because despite what he and ABC are telling you, we saw his backyard and the playhouse that’s bigger than my first four apartments. That was the whitest group of people I have ever seen. It was basically Dawson’s Creek on a golf course. That, to me, means Sean is pulling the “keeping her for the fantasy suite” move, which I respect. The problem is she isn’t going to give anything up unless he marries her and you know if he keeps her, she’ll be watching these episodes, seeing him ice cream lick every other girl’s face and she’ll go AWOL on their engagement.
It’s an impasse. But her Prince Jasmine looks and her insistence on extreme birth control methods has earned her my newest nickname. I give you Princess Beyazmine. If you don’t get it, CLICK HERE. She gets the rose, only because Strawberry Lemonade, like me and every other guy on the planet, never believes it when a girl says she wants to get with you but won’t. You have to respect that Texas swagger.
The group date was at roller derby which is SO HOT RIGHT NOW because Ellen Page was in that fucking movie what’s-it-called and Netflix has a documentary about the Rose City Rollers in Portland, but don’t front like you are up on it ABC. Come hang with me in PDX and I’ll show you roller derby. It’s where we Marty McFly skateboard behind cars and go to every brewery in the Pearl and then go diving for treasure in the Willamette. Stop fronting. Stop trying to make Roller Derby the new Zooey Deschanel. Fetch isn’t going to happen Gretchen Wieners.
We did get treated to one of my favorite Bachelor tests: Who Looks Hot In A Helmet. Winners here were Sarah and Little Orphan Hottie, who probably would look good in the first scene of Les Miserables being hazed by a tone-deaf Russell Crowe.
I mean, Jesus, Strawberry Lemonade. I know you want to go to Tahiti and see this thing out, but she’s not going to cheat on you, she’s going to organize your closet, she’s great with kids, even really ill ones, and she manages to look hot at all hours of the day. The only person who could hate this girl is Lady Veneers (Emily Maynard), just because this girl is twice as nice and earnest and manages to be just as hot without resorting to fake teeth and telling me how amazing of a mom she is.
She was also cool to Sarah who had some legit reasons to not want to roller derby. The thing is, she works at a great ad agency and if I know one thing about ad women, they are going to figure it out. And guess what? She didn’t eat shit hard. You know who did?
Neon Knight. The producers did the mandatory “I think your jaw exploded” thing like when Ames “almost died” kickboxing like a 5th grade girl. The thing is, she did get jacked up. In the rose ceremony, her chin was messed up. Whatever, she is a total ABC actress they planted and so this was a good way to boot her off.
We got robbed of seeing Guybrow try and eat a woman when Sean called off the competition and bored me to death with a free skate. Skip to the night date.
Whackflip and Guybrow started going at it, but I was super distracted by the dent in Guybrow’s forehead. I kept debating if she got that from years of raising one eyebrow every time a dude walked in the room or if she got if from some girl that hated her like all these girls do. Her looks are far from the problem though and I’ve got many scars myself.
If we want to talk about the problem, it’s that she is crazy, pulled the awkward ambush move and got a rose out of it. When she talks I don’t even know what the hell she is saying. I recognize it as English but it’s like eavesdropping on a couple of French people describing what they hate about Americans. The mind recoils.
The final one on one was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. The diversity issue has been played up big time this season and I think Sean was not into Pretty Woman, but the producers were like, we need the best way to kick her off. I know. Let’s GIVE HER DIAMOND EARRINGS because that happens so much on dates. Let’s let her max out the ABC Diner’s Club card at Badgely Mischka (on my old home turf, used to eat pho across the street on the regs, don’t think you can hide from me failed Missoni store across Little Santa Monica) on a dress and then let Neil Lane give her a 500K necklace to wear so she’ll feel pretty when she gets cut from the major league roster.
Pretty Woman was super cool and much prettier on this date when she was being easy going. Sean said everything he had to in order to make it seem like he like HER but there was no romance. He kept saying “I wanted it to be there” but if he wanted it to be there, it’d be there. Princess Beyazmine said nothing the whole time, denied him any hope of sex and got the rose because she is hot.
Keeping it real, doing a Pretty Woman themed date and then sending a girl home is cold shit. They couldn’t even do that in the movie, even though 10 out of 10 times the businessman doesn’t marry the hooker. That’s what the producers said with this date. Here’s some fancy clothes, now go to the abattoir. This was some cold shit, man. Let’s not forget Pretty Woman is ABOUT A PROSTITUTE.
She was cool on the way out. Wishing her the best, she didn’t embarrass herself.
Back at Downton Abbey: Crazy Drunk Chick Edition, we got to see that Pretty Little Liar dressed up all Memoirs of a Geeksha. What was the thought process of going kabuki theater to a rose ceremony?
Then, the best news of all time. Guybrow is a stress eater. I haven’t seen one since my favorite girl ever Chantal from years ago. Guybrow is flirting with some massive weight gains due to booze, hormones and apparently Kettle Chips. So few people ever are seen eating on camera, you figure she must be doing it so much they couldn’t cut around it. Can’t wait, can’t wait. Let the chardonnay flow.
Neon Knight got cut. We’re all super sad.
Next week, a two night event??? Let me know how you think I should cover it in the comments section. Live tweet one night, full post Weds? Two posts? One monster post? Comment and tell me. And follow my social channels already.
See you soon. XOXO, Gossip Zack.
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