There’s Christmas. And there’s second Christmas. Second Christmas is when the Bachelor moves to a tropical location and and our hero can finally just ride around in helicopters and sea planes and fucking snorkel and force girls to wear their “A Game” bikinis and drink some Mai Tais.
I enjoy this time of year ever more now that I live in Portland because it’s cold here, although it certainly hasn’t stopped me from drinking Mai Tais. Or anything else for that matter.
So, Strawberry Lemonade broke the rules and decided to travel with his harem of women in a small plane instead of traveling solo because, well, he wanted to set a tone for the amount of perving he demands on this trip to St. Croix. Sean is a natural rule breaker. Like the laws of anatomy. First man to glow red in the snow. First light skinned person to refuse sunblock on tropical islands. First outdoorsy guy to never go north of Dallas.
Sean also has another jam I need to point out. The minute he starts tongue probing a girl when it’s time to kiss, he grabs their knee like he’s driving stick. Whenever he starts up, I’m on my bearskin rug being like “LOOK, HE’S DRIVING STICK.”
So as we get started, may you all drive stick soon. It’s almost Valentine’s Day.
I am so sure they went to St. Croix, still America, because Guybrow can’t leave the country do to a bunch of Drunk in Publics or a DUI or some cocktail of misdemeanors that has revoked her international traveling rights as an America. She can definitely still go to the Jersey Shore.
But, hey, what better place to find love than St. Croix, which is related to La Croix, the canned sparkling water many of you are drinking right now.
This episode was prime for drama right off the bat as Little Orphan Hottie was in full surgical enhancement flaunt mode from the get go, which made stress-eating Guybrow super insecure causing her to pull her roll-out bed to another room in a protest everyone was glad for. Reminds me of the time Candy Striping Hooker (Blakely) retreated to cry hysterically in the luggage room. Then she got engaged to that tiny guy, then that blew up, now she just takes slutty instagrams with former cast members who probably sleep with her. Sigh. I wanted to believe she was looking for a better life, but people who use instagram to post pictures of inspirational quotes are barely hanging on in my opinion.
But hey, who doesn’t love the 9th instance of “Skinny Girls Look Good In Clothes, Fit Girls Look Good Naked” before you wake up. Lady, you are just being a tart and telling us you look good naked. Next time, take a naked photo and annotate it “scoreboard.” It will make your point and gain you followers.
Wait, we were BachCapping, weren’t we?
AshLee got the first date and we started seeing some of her major malfunctions this episode. She is the perfect Dallas wife. She’s hot. Her body won’t change (thanks science!) All that said, you started seeing her discuss her cosmic plight and I am starting to wonder what complex chain of gluten and amino acids are keeping her brain chemistry together. She’s had a rough life and has seemed well adjusted so far. Might be a time bomb.
Their date was the “let’s get on a yacht, you get half naked and we just jump fifteen feet into the ocean and make out.” If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it ABC.
No one successfully sabotages another contestant on this show, eventually it bites you on the ass (if the Bachelor doesn’t do that first in the Fantasy Suite). This week, we saw that trend change. Strawberry Lemonade point blanked Little Orphan Hottie into dishing out the fact that whatever dented Guybrow’s head made her evil in the process.
AshLee delivered the news while pushing her boobs together and aiming them at Sean, which is the best way to receive any information. When you get bad medical news, they put you in a “calming” room and speak in comforting tones. Fuck that, send me to St. Croix and have a hot girl tell me on a sandy beach while trying to seduce me. Until this happens, Kaiser Permanente can’t use the tag line “Thrive.”
Sean seemed to accept this, although he did mention that if Tierra won she wouldn’t have to be with other women for long. Except the 3 billion women on Earth they might encounter. Tierra is fascinating. I almost think she’s more likely to BE with another woman than eat lunch with another women. Drunk experimentation. That’s what I am talking about.
The night date was when AshLee did a forty minute build up to her terrible secret which ended up being that she had a short-lived high school marriage in an act of rebellion. Sean looked relieved she didn’t reveal “I have a kid” or “it’s gonorrea.” I expected Sean to slip and say “that’s nothing, one time my boys and I potentially killed a stripper in Nogales, we just ran away, you know, people have history.”
Then they screamed “I love you” and “I love St. Croix” which somehow was so painful it went back in time and ruined the scene in Garden State where they scream into the abyss. That’s how awkward it was. Also, did Zach Braff die? What happened? He makes that fucking movie and now nothing? Was it all just to get some Natalie Portman? Did he fail and lose to a ballerina? Did you know my PDX stripper name is Natalie Portland?
I’m off track again.
Guybrow got her date, but was so pissed they were going shopping and not going crotch fishing on a private beach. They ran around, she acted annoying, they bought awful necklaces and then Sean basically told her that the fact that women hate her has made him hate her a little bit. It’s made us all hate her a lot.
Then ABC staged a mini parade (felt like is was racist in some way, just not sure how) and then the date ended or I got up to piss. Same difference.
The next date was a group date where everyone traversed the island to see sunrise on the eastside and sunset on the westside. They did a travel by Indiana Jones map to help gloss over this date, like I am going to do. It was three nice, attractive girls watching the sun turn Strawberry Lemonade purple. There was a time when this show would try to explain why a site was historical, saying that “the British once attacked a Spanish Galleon here.” Now, Sean just says “ERHMAGERD, THE PLACE HAZ HERSTERY.” And onto the next “let’s swing on vines” experience.
Then, there was no fucking sunset. Fuck this date and fuck St. Croix.
Final date, Pretty Little Liar gets her moment in the sun, only they go to like a forest with very little context and because she is totally getting cut, Sean foreshadows they aren’t where they need to be. On a golf course with her making him margaritas. Put some beer in, that’s the trick. Trust me.
Pretty Little Liar just kept explaining things too much. She might be normal in civilian life, but on this show, stop analyzing things, tell him you love him, let ABC shoot some fireworks off and then make out. That’s how you win.
Then ABC went collision montage, right up there with the end of Godfather. Sean was hanging with his wife whose advice was literally “don’t end up with Swimsuit Issues (Courtney)” when he decided he’d introduce her to Guybrow, who he now knows is probably the mean girl. Derp.
I pictured ABC producers walkie-talking the shit out of this like “GET HIS ASS TO THE HOUSE WE JUST GOT THEM ALL DRUNK AT NOON AND IT TURNED INTO VERBAL UFC 167.”
Sean ominously approaches the hen house while Tierra and AshLee go at it. AshLee hates Tierra for being false and the kind of person who doesn’t say “good morning.” Seriously, who does that! *crickets*
Tierra just looks sloppy, fake cries and storms out. ONLY TO RETURN ON FIRE.
They start arguing that she’s never had trouble with men, that she thinks she’s better than everyone and that her parents told her not to lose her “sparkle.” I need to know what the sparkle is. Is it her desire to stress eat? Is it her way of slouching on the couch? Is it the magic that came from the asteroid that hit her in the forehead? Whatever it is, YOU CAN’T TAKE IT FROM HER.
Then, my vindication. I called her Guybrow from the moment she showed up. The world saw and embraced the race it made up her face. And when AshLee called the eyebrow out for raising in bitchiness, we got it.
“I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW!”
Thesis. The defense rests. It has a mind of it’s own, which is shocking since Tierra doesn’t.
Sean enters and sees her fake crying for the 4000th time. He pulls an epic “I love you so much I need you to die” move and suddenly she is fake crying her ass to the worst death a contestant can get: Deportation by Minivan.
A cold death to a hot temper.
Sean, with the taste of blood in his mouth decides to skip the cocktail party and go right to sending Pretty Little Liar back to the Potomac. High School Soccer Player has a complicated response. She freaks out in saying that if Sean doesn’t like Pretty Little Liar, how could he like her? I feel like they must have been super similar, although she’s like a character in a Tim Burton movie after hearing the second story in like two weeks about people dying or trying to die in front of her. Still, hate that she had to experience that, but that’s hardcore. I don’t think she’s winning, so I hope Sean handles it well. I may be a prick on here, but I am a big believer in mercy to those who deserve it.
Speaking of which, I’m done, mercifully, until next week. With Tierra gone, maybe they can leave the country.
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