Before I take you all to the fantasy suites (fahn tab see sweets) with me, I need to talk directly to Chris Harrison and all the cast and crew members who read my BachCaps. Never have I seen such east coast bias as the tweet captions they bring up on screen. Look, I love seeing Lost Angeles friend Possessionista (who is amazing) quoted four times an episode, it’s nice to see Chris Bukowski is still alive with his super skinny head, but for us on the west coast, we’re cut out because I can’t very well tweet about a show that is not on yet, can I?
I think next week at like 5pm Pacific, I just start tweeting made up Women Tell All stories like “Wow, I can’t believe Anna Nicole Schlitz learned her Chris Harrison impression when Chris took her to a secret night club that was actually his brothel #bachelor.”
Let’s give that a shot.
Chris, you owe me by now. I have built your lore at USC with my football influence, painting you as the world’s best dressed, most polished international drug dealer. You are adored on campus and if I could have dinner with three people alive or dead, I’d clone you and eat dinner with you three times and then we’d all go to Vegas and play mind games with all women wearing perfectly tailored suits in a totally non-threatening way. How we lived in the same town for years and never even went to notorious cougar bar Padri together, I’ll never know. I cry sometimes.
With that said, let’s BachCap and let’s do it hard. I feel no need for gloves.
Strawberry Lemonade takes us to the South of Thailand and what better place to find love than the south of Thailand. Wearing exclusively hyper colored deep V cuts and tank tops paired with blueberry acai skin, Sean looked like the tint was all turned up on my television. I almost called Sony to complain, but realized he is just purple and the sunsets were super orange.
Strawberry Lemonade did some awful acting when he was swimming at the hotel where he pensively swam to the edge of the infinity pool, checked out his purple bicep and stared into the distance like he was worried about being constipated for several days. He told us he was tripping balls about being in love with three women, one of which was at home watching this episode like “fuuuuuuck this guy.” We’re all with you. I usually end up making friends with the main contestant and it’s nothing personal this year, I just don’t want to drink margaritas on the golf course with Sean while we chain our wives to a Viking Range in the kitchen. I lived in Dallas for a while. I’m good.
Date one was with Army Brat and there was no helicopter, so I was pretty pissed right off the bat. But hey, let’s go to ANOTHER FUCKING ASIAN MARKET and say THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT LIFE WOULD BE LIKE WITH SEAN. False. Your life will be chained to the Viking Range with occasion procreation breaks. You are a food processing plant and reproductive warehouse and occasional golf enthusiast.
So, Sean nearly breaks this little Thai car thing because he’s a giant purple hulk and they drive to a fucking Asian market and Sean pretends he’s been there before. It made me miss when Lady Veneers would give history lessons. Sean should know how much the producers hate him when Emily got to go around the world, Ben got to go around the world and he gets to go to the most inexpensive countries and states on earth. Know your worth, son.
They buy some random crap and then Sean’s torture matrix kicks in and he decides that Army Brat is going to eat bugs. You never expect the Muppets.
Then they go to this field where there’s religious Rose Bowl parade floats set up in a circle. Nothing makes your religion seems more legit than blinking LED lights. I just kept wondering where you put your quarters in and what the MegaJackpot was at.
Army Brat said it was like heaven, so her heaven looks like Disney Thailand Grad Night on a shit ton of E. Marry her!
Then a bunch of dancers came out, it was probably racist, still not sure how or why, but I felt like they went back stage afterwards, started smoking cigarettes and being like “eff these gringos.” I know they have a Thai word for gringos, but Google is for people who care.
The fantasy suite sucked because Sean is a born-again virgin and he wanted to use the time to talk. America wants you to use the time to use Army Brat. Why did you even sign up for this show? No one’s fantasy is talking with a purple man until dawn. Maybe kids when Barney was still on the air. Outside of then, no one.
Sean wanted her to say I LOVE YOU and he kind of intensely forced her too, looking annoyed when it took a minute, because, well, it’s going to hard to chain a woman with military training to a Viking Range without love as mustard gas.
I made myself a cocktail of windex and tonic and moved on to Little Orphan Hottie’s date. I spent the first ten minutes trying to figure out what the hell her necklace said, realized it was Gypset, then wrote her off as a human. She’s been getting crazier by the week and now is completely speaking in metaphor, which is kind of like that character in sci-fi movies who when they get close to an ancient mystery becomes possessed and just talks batshit crazy for the rest of the movie. With fake boobs.
They are OMG going to swim through a cave to a private beach. Naturally, AshLee’s trust issues are going to be fucking CHALLENGED. I mean, swimming through a cave with a camera crew on a boat and eight lifeguards? How can you achieve that after being adopted? ABC worked hard to make that 4 minute swim look like 20 minutes of pure aquatic Blair Witch. Then they got to the beach, there was some sexy rain and AshLee let us know even more about her surgeon’s preferences.
That beach was cool, but it was also kind of like a giant, nature toilet bowl. And I had an internal debate about sex on the beach. I like the idea of it being private, but I’d rather a human watch me get down than a monkey.
The night date was more crazy from AshLee who is going downhill faster than a Swiss Olympian. I hear what is coming out of her mouth, but what is the celestial cord downloading this speech into her brain? I pictured a producer in her ear all night being like “he’s you soul mate, oh my god, he’s totally your soul mate, he got behind your walls” in Shoshana from Girls’ voice. They are feeding the crazy beast crazy pills. I kind of saw how this ends.
Again, some ass backwards speech about the fantasy suite. Snore. You are on the Bachelor, get naked already. I didn’t come to the baseball game to see people play catch. Someone needs to swing the bat already.
Last date, High School Soccer Player goes swimming, feeds a bunch of monkeys, says “hunky” about two hundred times, does a great impression of someone talking about a relationship and then tells Sean she’s got a serious side. No shit, didn’t two people die in front of you? You might be the grim reaper.
Also, she had the permanent wedgie bikini bottoms on. Not a big deal, just saying.
Sean again forces her to say I love you and then there’s ANOTHER FUCKING SPEECH about being traditional. This is so annoying. I hate it. I miss Sausage (Vienna from Jake’s season) who was just like, “you be a man, I’ll be a woman, it’s test drive island.” You are on a dating show that has FANTASY SUITES. Own up to the fact that you are on whore island and saying you aren’t doesn’t change that. It’s like Orlando Bloom pretending he’s not a pirate for half the fucking Pirates of the Caribbean movies. You have a sword and ride a pirate ship. You’re a pirate.
At least the fantasy suite date included some swimming pool grinding, unfortunately I was still throwing up from when Sean kissed her on the boat earlier. Well, kissing is the wrong term. It looked like a bird regurgitating worms into a baby bird’s mouth. It looked like she had an ice cream scoop in her mouth and he was trying to eat it. It looked like her face was an envelope. It looked like an anteaters sticking its tongue down the ant hole. It looked like a dog got into a jar of peanut butter.
Jesus, I’d rather have seen some more instagrams of bottles from your juice cleanse than that. By the way, let’s stop doing that now. I get it at first. But at this point, it’s gone too far. I get drinking pictures because I like knowing someone is partying. I’m down with selfles and duck faces. I am down with workout shit (to a point) because it reminds us all to work out. I am down with food pics because maybe I’ll discover a new place to be.
But shooting ten bottles of juice and then continuing to do it isn’t a humble brag it is a cry for help. Even moms who shoot pictures of their babies on repeat don’t shoot pictures every time they drink a bottle of juice.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Here comes the boom with Kevin James.
Rose Ceremony time. Harrison is showing some chest hair like a pimp in his beachside opium den when Sean comes in and knows who needs to go. We started getting the feeling that he was gonna drop Little Orphan Hottie because she is starting to get crazy, confirmed by her video to Sean where she kept crying for no reason.
He probably was gonna send home Catherine because she doesn’t want to be chained to a Viking Range, but he figures she’d be easier to jilt at the alter than the brewing cyclone of female death and silicone, so I kind of knew it was coming. That said, Catherine said Sean gives her the wiggles, which made me hate her and also picture a dog dragging its ass along the carpet. That’s the wiggles. Don’t fucking say it.
Wait, now I am wondering if I got the monkey scenes accurate. I feel like there were monkeys on loop. Wait, I don’t care.
Sean dumps AshLee and she gives him a stare down that lowered my sperm count. It was fully the sterilizer ray of doom. I was terrified. She didn’t blink. Of all the days to leave half of your dress (the boob covering part) at home.
Sean looked scared to death and begged to explain himself, which to me was kind of like whistling at a rabid wolf that for some reason was willing to not eat you. She just got in the car, didn’t want the cameras to see her cry which was weird since that’s all she did for five weeks.
She reminded us this wasn’t a game for her. I wanted to remind her, no, eHarmony isn’t a game. It’s a website. You’re in a Toyota LandCruiser, which is a car. And the Bachelor, the show you were on, was a game. So…
Somewhere right now, a closet is being organized and reorganized over and over until the organizer’s hands are so raw that blood faintly stains each garment. She keeps moving faster and faster, faster and faster until…
You never expect the Muppets.
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