Ruling on a Fantasy Bachelor League

All rise, Judge Zack is in the building.  In this post I play judge, jury and executioner.  Kind of like Judge Dredd (the first one) only bourbon, not roids.


Reader Bethany participates in a Bachelor Fantasy League, and an intricate one at that.  She wrote to me to settle who might be the winner of their league as Strawberry Lemonade’s ultimate failure at anything but crunches and assuming Jesus picks who he marries made this season pretty rough to watch with your eyeballs.

The thing is, the fluctuating rule set the players opted into caused chaos and an improbable comeback occured to the point that the league ended up a dead heat tie.  

I am here to settle this.  My word is the law.  May God have mercy on your souls and make you virgins again if you believe Sean that God has this power.  

Meagan and Laura finished in a tie, but to rule, we must understand the situation.  I won’t get into the details, just suffice to say I have read their league rules and being a genius, feel comfortable doling out victory.

First, let’s look at their fantasy teams:

Meaghan – Team You Never Expect the Muppets 


LauRa – Team Sean Is My Aladdin and Helicopters Are My Magic Carpets
Meagan had a special place in my heart for her team name, clearly a homage to my celebration of one of the greatest lines in BachCap history.  That said, Laura did two things right.  She capitalized a random letter in her name and all her players names because one of AshLee’s 30 parents did the same thing to her.  Additionally, her helicopter appreciation would cause me to give her a rose.
Next, I had to get into what happened during the year.  How did this happen?
LauRa got off to a very slow start in the league while Meagan came out of the gates like a rum drinking monkey that accidentally lit itself of fire and didn’t seem to give a shit.
The league agreed upon rule changes during the year because their original system (which included points for being the first rose, first in a hot tub, etc) got boring after a while.  I believe they all had an accord and in a brotherhood of gentleman, an accord means we accept these rules even if they come back to bite us in the ass.  You never expect the muppets.
So going into the final week, Meagan lead LauRa by a staggering 211 to 159.  LauRa’s slow start seemed fatal, but apparently with the new rule set, LauRa was poised for greatness.
The agreed upon new rules for the final episode.  Here they are:
Says she can “see herself living in Dallas” – 5 points
If Sean picks up a framed picture of the girl and holds it – 5 points
Parents tell Sean she’s “not” the one – 10 points
Is the girl who wrote the note – 10 points
If Sean’s little niece or nephew step on the girl’s toe – 10 points
Wears a “strawberry” (pink, berry, red) or “lemonade” (yellow, beige, gold) color dress to the final rose ceremony – 10 points

Points for guessing!!!

If you correctly guess whether or not Sean is filmed shaving in this episode- 10 points
If you correctly guess how many times Sean is shirtless in this episode – 15 points
If you correctly guess who meets Sean’s family first – 20 points
If you correctly guess the color of Chris Harrison’s first tie of the episode – 25 points
If you correctly guess any previous “bachelor contestant” who offers Sean advice (Emily does not count and one guess only)- 30 points
If you correctly guess who wrote the note – 35 points

A trifecta of events brought on the tie.  LauRa gained 15 more points than the also genius-level at math and science Meagan, plus gained points for Sean proposing and capped the improbable run for the tie with her having Catherine on her team, the winner of the show.
They sit tied in Bachelor Fantasy League purgatory until now.  I asked their league commissioner to send me pictures for the blog and to see if it helped me learn anything.  It did.  They girls are down with photoshop and probably are fun to party with.  
Meet Meagan.
While the Photoshopping is a little haphazard, I credit her for getting her head angle correct and the over “ransom note” vibe this has.  She has artfully replaced some of the weapons on the military grade Apache helicopter she chose to use with glasses of strawberry lemonade which works because it’s my given name for Sean, but also symbolically, as my words are so dangerous they could be used on Blackhawks in wartime scenarios.  She also showed she knows this show is a shame by adding “5 min of fame” to Sean’s intro, cognizant that he is about to fade from our consciousness.  The helicopter reference as well scored points.  She passes the worthy test.
Next, please meet Laura who rocked two images.
I appreciate the rose colored out outfit, the delicately drawn digital rose, the Sean cake, but mostly I appreciate that she put USC Trojans on it specifically to win my favor.  This is important because she is a Kansas Jayhawk, someone who doesn’t care about football and probably hates California, but loves this blog.  It shows the “willing to be chained to a Viking range” spirit Sean was looking for and like Kevin James said to Maggie in Hitch… It just works.
What’s kind of rad here is the homemade element.  This doesn’t feel like photoshop at all. This feels like she sacrificed a picture, cut it out and scanned it.  
Both of these women would make excellent kidnappers as their ransom note collage skills are incredible.  I decided that if I am ever the world’s first already-married Bachelor, a collage challenge will be a part of it.  My wife just closed the browser.
Without the new rules, Meagan takes this thing down like a glass of cheap chardonnay at a rose ceremony.  That much is clear.  There is mad respect for her opening it up to new rules for the final episode.  That took courage and arrogance, things I respect as a Trojan.
But it also made an accord to adhere to the rules.
Laura made an improbable comeback and what’s more, she picked the final winner.  It would be hard to penalize someone for being right about the winner and taking advantage of new rules.  
Think about it, our favorite heroes were opportunistic.  That’s what this show is about.  If you can steal him/her away and make out, you are doing it right.  Laura got to freak out and make out with these new rules.
Really, there is one main kicker.  Laura picked the winner.  I played sports in my life and learned the hard way they don’t give championships to who won the regular season.  It’s about championships.
So much so that the tiebreaker in NCAA tournament brackets is predicting the final score of the championship.  In this case, Laura wins, but on the good graces of the frontrunning Meagan allowing additional rules to be added.
So, the final ruling is as follows:
In all league records, Laura shall be declared the supreme champion, but with an *.  In parentheses, Meagan will be commemorated as regular season co-winner.
Laura shall be award all winnings associated with the league, however, she has two options to make things right.  As SUPREME CHAMPION, she has the choice of paying Meagan back her entry fee (like coming in third in a poker tournament) or spending the equal amount buying her tapas and wine, because girls love those.
In addition to Laura upholding the graciousness of her status of SUPREME CHAMPION, Meagan will refer to her as the SUPREME CHAMPION until a winner of the Bachelorette League is crowned and the reign is over or extended.  
That said, it is the SUPREME CHAMPION’S job to protect the *regular season co-winner by verbally abusing anyone who makes fun of the prestigious distinction of *regular season co-winner.  However, the SUPREME CHAMPION may make fun of anyone, anytime so long as the *regular season co-winner is returned her entrance fee or showered in tapas and wine because women love those.
The bearfighter has spoken.  Cheers to a good offseason.


1 Comment

Filed under Rants and Musings

One response to “Ruling on a Fantasy Bachelor League

  1. I’m coming to you for every important decision in my life from here on out. CLEARLY you know your stuff 😉

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